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Fangtasy

Reality Bites – Session 2: Premiere

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Every week, a diverse panel of Bon Temps residents gather to watch and discuss each new episode of HBO’s True Blood. The sessions are moderated by Nina Harken, a PhD candidate interested in finding out what the real folks of Bon Temps think of the portrayal of their town and their people on HBO’s hit series.

Session #2 – Premiere

NINA
Okay, welcome back, and here we are right after viewing the first episode of Season 3.  A lot going on.  I’m sure you all have your opinions and I’d love to hear them, so let’s just go around the room.

Remember, I ask you to be honest and respectful of those speaking.

HENRIETTA
Thank you, Ms. Nina.  While I understand it was not the center of this episode, I must say that I am thrilled that God has returned – and not in the fanatical sense that was last season.  The attempt that Tara’s mama made to save her daughter by bringing her back to God was a glorious gesture.

NATHAN
Well..the Bill and Sam thing…you know…the…moment…or whatever…was, uh, interesting…

ELIJAH
Yes, it was.

NATHAN
But, I mean, there was no shortage of nudity across the board.

ELIJAH
Mmmm-hmmm.  Eric?  Check.  Sam?  Check.  Dear William?  Check.  And of course, a few choice ladies flautin’ their wares…Mmm…delicious.

HENRIETTA
Oh, my.

ELIJAH
Come now, Ms. Hawthorne. It’s just God’s creatures in all their glory.

NINA
Anything else, Elijah?

ELIJAH
Mmmmm…I do appreciate the representation of their Magister – certainly a prick.

NINA
Tracy?

TRACY
Well.. I’m not really sure…it’s as though just when I thought I’d have something to say about the episode, it was over.

CHUCK
Yeah. Nothin’ happened. It was like a whole bunch of set-ups with no pay-off. Damn. A whole hour of sittin’ and waitin’ for something to happen. It’s like the only thing that caught my attention, besides the titties, was the car flippin’ over.

NINA
I see. Thank you. Byron?

BYRON
Yes, ma’am. First, being a former military man, I was impressed to see Terry reaching out to Andy, even though it wasn’t necessarily Andy who was in need. I also understand first hand what Jason is going through. It’ll be interesting to see how that issue is resolved.

MADISON
And O.M.Godric – Eric. So sexy.

[MRS. AVERY
Madison!]

MADISON
Mom… Oh, and six hours? Is that even possible?

ELIJAH
There are twelve hours of darkness in the winter months.

HENRIETTA
Child, you watch your mouth. No girl your age should be havin’ such comments.

MADISON
Yeah… anyway.. um, I don’t know – I felt kinda bad for Jessica. I mean, she was all alone after killing somebody. Bill wasn’t around to help her out and then Hoyt was all giving her flowers and he was all upset that she hung up on him but then those girls wanted to do stuff and Hoyt wouldn’t do it– so cute.

NINA
Thank you, everyone. Now, I noticed that not a single one of you brought up Sookie and Bill – other than Bill’s moment with Sam. Would anyone like to comment?

CHUCK
All I gotta say is they keep showin’ that scene on the previews where Sookie is over Eric in nothin’ but a bra and panties – now when’s that gonna happen?

NINA
Okay —

CHUCK
I mean it. Love that girl’s rack.

TRACY
…Real Classy…

CHUCK
You’re one to talk.

HENRIETTA
I for one hope that Mr. Compton does not make it back to Bon Temps. Then Sookie can settle down with a nice, God-fearing man, like that Hoyt.

MADISON
But Hoyt loves Jessica.

ELIJAH
Hoyt only loves the fact that Jessica is a vampire because that makes her different, like him.  But I can understand why he loves vampires.

[Elijah leans back in his chair and grins.]

NATHAN
I found it interesting that Bill didn’t actually kill that old woman.  I mean she was old and lived by herself.  Nobody would have noticed that she was gone.  We know Bill can kill, as we saw with Uncle Bartlett.  Maybe Sookie has actually reawakened the human parts of Bill.  I’d like to see them get back together so that story line can develop.

ELIJAH
You’re not as dumb as I thought you were.

NATHAN
And you’re not as attractive as you think you are.

[Elijah’s fangs descend and slams his palms on the table.]

NINA
Gentleman please, this isn’t helping.  Byron, you’ve been quiet.

BYRON
The leader of the faction attempting to kidnap Mr. Compton clearly did not instill a sense of discipline in his men.  They were very disorganized, which was evident by the fact that Mr. Compton escaped.  If those men were indeed werewolves, then I don’t think Mr. Compton will be so easily apprehended in the future.

TRACY
It was only the first episode.

NINA
So it was.  Well, I think that’s a good start for now.  We’ll all meet back here next Sunday at 9PM so we can sink our teeth into the next episode of True Blood.

This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  “Reality Bites” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Header Credit: K. Rose

Authors: Cory Brin and Sarah Pugh

Cast, News, Ryan Kwanten

Ryan Kwanten Open to Oprah Visit

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True Blood’s Ryan Kwanten is many things:  Jason Stackhouse, an actor, ladies-man, often times shirtless, but did you know that “writer” can be added to that list of accolades?

Ryan Kwantenhas told AccessHollywood.com that his book, The G-Strategy is part self-help guide, part parody, depending on the reader.

So is the book for men or for women?  We’ll let Ryan answer:

“It’s actually both… With men, it’s more the finance type world… And with the women, I guess its sort of the more emotional sort of type stuff that’s gonna make you happy.”

Ryan was also asked if he was making fun of the self-help genre:

“Not really, well it is, but in a very aggressive type of way… I gave it to a couple of my friends… I didn’t tell them that I wrote it… they’ve just taken it as gospel.”

Due to the demanding shooting schedule of season 3 of True Blood, Kwanten hasn’t quite finished the book.  He is hoping to have all of the revisions done by September, when it is due to the publisher.

Since the book is set up to be a self-help guide, Ryan was asked what he would think if Oprah asked him to appear on her show,

“If Oprah will have me, that would be kind of hilarious… I still don’t know if I’m going to pitch the book as a satire, or as a real self help book.”

Source:  AccessHollywood.com

Image Credit:  (HBO Inc, Screencap by James)

News, Season 3 News, Supporting Cast

Carrie Preston Describes a New Side to Arlene

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There was a very brief, yet very telling article recently on Zap2it discussing what to expect from Carrie Preston‘s character of Arlene Fowler on the HBO series, True Blood.

Preston tells Zap2it that viewers should expect a whole new side of Arlene this season.

“My character is definitely grappling with something she wasn’t ready for, so that’s been very interesting… It’s been a fun season for me because my character has really been able to — they’ve given me some fun and more vulnerable types of scenes than the sort of funny-funny that I usually get.”

Considering what we’ve seen already in the season premiere, things are getting interesting. And it doesn’t stop with Arlene.

“I think it’s true for all the characters — they’re really starting to give us a little more deepening. We’re getting a little more intimate with the series regulars.”

Preston also says to look out for some interaction between Arlene and vampire Jessica this season. We’ll be watching. Will you?

Source: Zap2it.com

(Photo Credit: IMDb.com)

News, Rutina Wesley, Season 3 News

Rutina Wesley: Who is Tara’s Ideal Guy?

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People Magazine recently asked True Blood‘s Rutina Wesley, aka Tara Thornton, what viewers can expect from her character in Season 3.

Tara’s journey has not been an easy one. And so far, it hasn’t gotten any easier. Mismatched relationships, con artist healers, an alcoholic mother, befriending a nasty maenad…

Then finally, she meets a nice guy who seems to like Tara for who she really is. Wasn’t he under the power of the aformentioned maenad? Sure… but he was still a decent guy… sort of…

Until he was gunned down by Tara‘s best friend’s brother in the middle of confessing committing murders…

“I think that she’s going to be struggling this season, grieving and trying to find her feet and her identity, and how she fits into this world,” Wesley says. “… There are going to be a lot of ups and downs for Tara this season.”

And the most pressing issue is how Tara will cope with the loss of Eggs.

“It was the love of her life… It was the rug that was pulled out beneath her, but she is a survivor, and you’re going to see her fight, but I think Tara is going to be in mourning – she has to be.”

There must be some hope for Tara this season. But finding a good guy, let alone a good human guy, in Bon Temps is no easy feat. But Rutina already has a type of man in mind for her character:

“Someone who is just alive and human… Oh, and he has to be smart!”

Here’s hoping for a change of luck in Tara‘s future.

Source: people.com

(Photo Credit: HBO Inc.)

Jason Stackhouse, News, Ryan Kwanten, Season 3 News

True Blood’s Ryan Kwanten Takes a Deeper Look into Jason Stackhouse

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jason stackhouse ryan kwanten hbo true bloodRecently, the New York Post’s entertainment section, PopWrap, had the opportunity to sit down with Ryan Kwanten, to ask him some questions concerning his character Jason Stackhouse.  Many questions were asked of the True Blood star, but Kwanten most importantly wants the fans to know that Jason is simply misunderstood,

“Even though on the surface, he [Jason] doesn’t seem like the most multidimensional person, there’s a lot of deep rooted anxiety and pain and even loneliness etched in his past.”

When asked how he wants the audience to see Jason, Ryan replies,

“…more than just a ditzy Southern guy…someone like him needs to figure out new ways to get their point across because they’re stunted in one way.”

Kwanten was also asked about how the murder of Eggs will play out during Season 3.

“…that is no small feat for anyone to get over…then to add insult to injury, Andy is taking the glory for killing Eggs and Jason is not one for letting anyone steal his thunder.  Last year he was trying to find faith…and this year it’s almost like he’s found the reason but needs to find what’s inside of him.”

Ryan was also asked about the addition of the character Crystal Norris, played by Lindsay Pulsipher, will affect Jason, considering she is a very interesting character in terms of the books.

“It’s very much a dangerous undertaking Lindsay’s chosen to engage in…Crystal’s a real redneck, for lack of a better term, but Lindsay herself is very intelligent.  So to have that sense of depth to a character, that could be quite a caricature in the hands of the wrong actress.”

Kwanten also had a bit to add about how Pulsipher came to land the role,

“Alan Ball definitely got an eye on the way he casts.  I’ve had the pleasure to sit in on a few of the casting sessions…and to see him in that audition room, he gives everyone the absolute chance to shine…a lot of the secret behind the show lies in its casting.”

There is more to the interview, but it contains a major spoiler that I did not want to break, just in case the fans wanted to be as surprised as Ryan likes to be,

For the full interview, and again be aware, there is a major spoiler, please visit PopWrap.

Source:  PopWrap

(Photo Credit:  HBO Inc.  Screencap by James)

Dr. L

Ask Dr. L – Babes and Bikes

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For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

June 10th, 2010

Hi Lady L!

So, um, I waz wunderin’ what would happen to a shifter if it got turned into a vampire?  Like could it still shift? Could it uze its vampire magic while it was an animal?  If it gotz bit when it waz an animal, would it be stuck in that form?  Like could we really see a legit vampire bat?  Dat would be awesomes.  Same questions, but for a werewolf.

Hit me back with the answers,

Big Daddy Frank

Hey, Big Daddy, (ugh- excuse me while I gag!)

Just when I think the questions here cannot get any more inane and silly, here  you come to prove me wrong. Wow, is about all I can say on that score. Not only is this a ridiculous question- to which the simple answer is “No”, but you are an idiot. You are proof positive that our school system is going up in flames. Your grammar is abominable-  “Ya know, like da Big Foot guy.”
Do us all a favor and shut the hell up.

Hey Doctor Ludwig,

I know you hate vampires.  I do too.  They are just trying to lure us humans into a false sense of security.  History has taught us that conquerors usually come bearing messages of peace.  So I thought of a way that we could protect ourselves even more.  Since you are the expert, could you tell us which of the traditional literary vampire traits that actually have, and what their weaknesses are?  For example, in literature, vampires don’t appear in photographs, yet real vampires do.  Can you shed some light on which of the myths the vampires actually started, so we know what will work and what won’t?

Thanks,

Henrietta Hawthorne, Devout Servant of the Fellowship of the Sun

Dear H.H.,

Well, this is an interesting dichotomy. While I do hate vampires, and if it were not for my need for the use of their powerful blood in the form of V, I would wish them obliterated from the planet, to be sure. But I like to call myself an equal opportunity hater, as I hate, loathe, despise the ignorance and stupidity of your Fellowship of the Sun, too. You are all a bunch of fanatics, who should scare the crap out of everyone.

So, if you think I am going to answer your sneaky question to help aid your holier than thou bunch of hypocrites- think again.

Hi Dr. L,

I’m sooooo excited.  I just got asked out by a shifter who is soooooo cute.  I’ve wanted to go out with him for a long time, but he was all embarrassed to ask me because you know….he’s a shifter.  But I have one problem that I’m sooooo worried about:  His main animal form is a dog.  I’m allergic to dogs.  Like, so allergic that I break out and sometimes need to go to the ER.  Since I don’t know exactly how the genetics of a shifter work, would I still be allergic to him, if we were to say…get intimate…even if he was still in human form?  That would be such a bummer if I would.

Thanks,

Allergen Alice

Alice, dear- in an effort to put this as gently as I possibly can, you are screwed. Well, maybe not yet, but if you are, you WILL be screwed, as the allergens often tend to remain on the shifter, even in human form. Since you don’t seem to be the type who would understand scientific lingo, suffice it to say that the shifter is the person, and the person is the shifter, all the time. Plus, there is the added possibility that in the throes of passion, a shifter in human form can turn.

Give it up, Alice- leave this particular Wonderland alone.

Hi Dr. L,

I’m a newly made vampire.  Not by choice.  I also don’t know a lot about vampires, or being a vampire.  When I was made, my son was six years old.  I kind of considered turning him so that I would have him forever.  I couldn’t stand to see him grow old and die.  But, I decided it wouldn’t be fair to him, so I’m not going to do it.  But thinking about it made think of a strange question.  Since he is six, if he was turned, would he still lose his baby teeth?  Would he have baby fangs? Would he get fangs at all?  I mean I’m also learning so much about what kind of supernaturals,who knows, maybe the tooth fairy is real.

Momma V

So much for the loving mother’s instinct, if you can even entertain such a thought. The only reason I am not sending my people to hunt you down and take the child away is that you did not willingly become a blood sucking night crawler, and that you did change your mind. If I get a whiff of anything else, I WILL find you.

As to your query, he would stay exactly as he is, and his fangs would be of appropriate size and dimension. And what do you mean “maybe” the tooth fairy is real?

“Sup Dr. L,

I’m a member of the Dark Angels, we’re a Harley gang that love to drink, fight and make sweet love to our really hot biker babes. So hey, last year we had this bad ass vamp who joined up and recently the whole gang got turned to a kick ass group of vamps. It’s really awesome! We can ride our hogs as crazy as we wanna since we don’t have to worry bout dyin and all that. Even some of the babes decided to move to the dark side. if you know what I mean.. heh. Sos things are chuggin along, we got ourselves so sweet fang bangers who are almost like, meals on wheels man. Kinda funny though, we’ve actually had to clean up our act now that vamps are out of the coffin. That blond chick from TV is really mean if you flaunt her dang rules. Anyway, we’re copin with that. Only thing that’s been bummin us out is that every time we get a new tat it keeps disappearing! Takes a couple a days but still.. really annoying.  What’s going on with that? What we gonna do to fix it? Bikers with no tats is just WOOSIE. Know what I’m sayin?

Batty about Bikes

I love the feel of riding a big monster Harley at hair raising speeds. Used to be a bit of a biker chick myself. That is the only reason I am even replying to you, by the way, as you are still stinking vampires.

As you now know, vampires heal rather rapidly, which includes evaporating tattoos. May I suggest the stick on types? I hear there are some cute Hello Kitty designs.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Header Credit: K. S. Rose

Fangtasy

Reality Bites – Meet the Bon Temps Discussion Panel!

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Session #1 – Introductions

NINA
Hello everyone and welcome. Again, my name is Nina and I want to thank you all for participating in this panel. Now, HBO’s True Blood takes place here in Bon Temps, Louisiana, but the characters are fictional, so I want to know — what do real citizens of Bon Temps, like yourselves, think about the show’s portrayal of your town and your people.

We’ll gather here every Sunday and watch each new episode together. Afterward, we’ll have an open discussion about the episode.

Tonight we’re just here to get to know each other a little, maybe talk about True Blood‘s first two seasons, that kind of thing.

Okay, let’s go around the room and tell us your first name and a little bit about yourself.

HENRIETTA
My name is Henrietta Hawthorne and God has granted me 73 years of life, and hopefully many more. I been livin’ in Bon Temps my entire life, married a month shy of 50 years until a son of the Devil himself – a- a vampire – claimed my dear husband.

CHUCK
An’ what makes you think it was a vampire?

NINA
Chuck, please wait for your turn, we’ll have an open debate later.

HENRIETTA
I know it was a vampire because no child of God could’ve done something so gruesome to a human body. After I lost him, I dedicated myself to serve God as a parishioner of the Fellowship of the Sun.

NINA
Thank you. Next.

NATHAN
Hi, um, my name’s Nathan, and I’ve been outta high school for about eight years, and I’m the night shift supervisor at a local super-mart. It was awful nice of you to talk to my boss to let me get out of work so I could be here.

NINA
My pleasure. Who do we have next?

ELIJAH
Good evenin’. I’m Elijah Raoul Maquis de Grantierre. I was born and raised in southern Georgia, bought myself my first plantation when I was a young man, just north of Bon Temps. Due to the fact the one of my slaves had… unnatural connections, Bon Temps is also the place of my death. I’ve spent the last three centuries wandering, but finally decided it was time to come home. And might I say my dear, you are looking delicious this evening.

NINA
Uh, thank you, Elijah. Next.

TRACY
I’m Tracy.

[Long period of silence.]

NINA
And would you like to tell us a little bit about yourself?

TRACY
I just did.

NINA
Um, okay, who’s next?

CHUCK
Name’s Chuck and I’ve lived in the bayous outside of Bon Temps all my lives and I plan to keep it that way, I thank you.

ELIJAH
Charmin’

CHUCK
What’s it to ya pretty boy?

ELIJAH
Well I must say I am flattered.

CHUCK
Well I was pissed at the old woman over there, but now I think I’m just pissed at you.

[Henrietta crosses herself vehemently.]

NINA
Okay, lets move on.

BYRON
Yes ma’am. I’m First Lieutenant Byron St. James, Retired of course. I graduated from West Point, with honors, was in the Army Engineer Corps and I personally helped over see the maintenance of air strips in Operation Desert Storm. Now I spend my days teaching physics at the high school.

NINA
Impressive, and last but not least?

MADISON
Oh my God, when is he going to get here?

NINA
Who?

MADISON
Alexander Skarsgard? You told me that we would be able to talk to the actors about True Blood.

NINA
No honey, I said we were going to talk about the actors ON True Blood.

MADISON
[Scoffs] Lame. Whatever. I’m Madison, I’m a student, hi Mr. St. James, do we really have a test tomorrow?

NINA
Madison.

MADISON
Oh, and this is my mom.

[Madison points to the woman sitting in the chair behind her.]

NINA
Yes, because Madison is a minor, she must be accompanied by a parent or guardian.

ELIJAH
How intriguing.

HENRIETTA
It’s not safe for a young girl here. It ain’t safe for an old girl neither.

NINA
Please, we all agreed that we’d behave ourselves, for the sake of representing Bon Temps.

ELIJAH
What a pity.

NINA
Alright, now let’s briefly explain your feelings toward the series of True Blood so far. Henrietta?

HENRIETTA
I think it is an accurate representation of Bon Temps. Ever since the agents of evil have made themselves known, all morality has left this place. If I still had my youth, I’d try to find me a nice community of other members of the Fellowship. However, I must say that the show has misrepresented our beliefs and our teachings. Although we don’t tolerate the Children of Satan, we are not as savage as they.

NATHAN
I kinda agree with her, I do feel that the discrimination, is that a word, that you see in the show is spot on.

NINA
Wo-

NATHAN
No I would not like to expand upon that.

NINA
I see. Elijah?

ELIJAH
I wouldn’t at all mind if the real Sheriff of Area 5 was just like Eric. And let me just say this: No vampire, no matter how old, or how righteous, would ever allow themselves to be captured by zealots.

NINA
Interesting. Like to add anything Tracy?

TRACY
I have no complaints…yet.

NINA
Okay, and Chuck?

CHUCK
I think it is a disgrace. All this show has is these vampires prancing around with their long blond hair, and their fallin’ in love. How’m I supposed to keep my blood down?

MADISON
Gross!

BYRON
Well ma’am, I don’t think the show does a good enough job of portraying the fact that there are educated people in Bon Temps. The closest they come is that Sam Merlotte, but they gave him a shady past. My record is spotless.

NATHAN
Oh…

MADISON
Not. Enough. Eric. Period. Like, the season two finale? There totally should have been more Eric.

NINA
But how do you think the show portrays Bon Temps?

MADISON
Poorly, because I haven’t met a vampire who even comes close to Eric…or any vampire for that matter.

ELIJAH
How do you do?

NINA
Okay! I think that’s good for now. We all know a little bit about each other, but I’m sure there is much we will learn as the season goes on. Don’t forget that we are all due to meet back here at 9PM on Sunday so that we can watch and respond to the season 3 premiere of True Blood.

[End Session One]

Feel free to add your feelings about the episodes in the comments section below!

This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Reality Bites’  and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Header Credit: K. Rose

Authors: Cory Brin and Sarah Pugh

News, Season 3, Season 3 News, Spoilers

True Blood Spoilers From the First 3 Episodes of Season 3

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Recently, at thetvaddict.com, a post was made concerning the first three episodes of the new season of the HBO series:  True Blood.  TV Addict was allowed to have a special sneak preview of the first three episodes, and then allowed patrons of the site to ask questions.  Answers were given, but only in a very ambiguous nature.  If you are not a fan of being teased, you might want to stop reading.  But if you are a hardcore True Blood fan, who knows that waiting sucks, then please read on.  As a note, in the interest of time, and sinking our fangs right to the “meaty bits,” these questions and answers have been summarized and are not direct quotes.

Question the first:  Waiting sucks, so please give me the scoop on Season 3 of True Blood.

Answer the first:  Apparently the circumstances that surround Eric and Sookie’s first ever alone face-to-face moment are quite unexpected.  During the hiatus, it would appear as if Alan Ball wrote one of the scenes for the season premiere word for word from some “wishful” fan fiction. Again, we stress the phrase, “it would appear.”

Question the second:  Which team’s fans will be happier after the season premiere?  Team Bill or Team Eric?

Answer the second:  Both teams will find that they are in for a lot of fun surprises.  Also, if you are a fan of seeing the two star vampires naked, then you are on the winning team.

Question the third:  Please just give us one more little tidbit of information?

Answer the third:  This one is interesting folks.  It would seem that The TV Addict is hinting that one of the couples who participated in Maryanne’s orgies last year didn’t think to play it safe.  But can you blame them?  I mean, it’s not like they were under the control of an ancient Demi-god or anything.

Question the fourth:  How big a factor will werewolves be in season 3?

Answer the fourth:  Big enough of a factor that even Bill Compton didn’t see them coming in the season premiere.

So thanks to The TV Addict for these wonderful little bits that will hopefully hold us over for one more week.  Don’t forget that the season 3 premiere of True Blood is Sunday June 13, only on HBO.

Source:  The TV Addict

Photo Credit:  HBO Inc.

News

Product Review: Retractable Vampire Fangs

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As fans of True Blood, and vampires in general, we sometimes feel the desire to join the ranks of the undead. We all get a little jealous when we watch Eric’s fangs descend in a moment of anger.  We wish that we could protect our telepathic girlfriends simply by showing some fang.

Finding special effects fangs is not difficult.  A plethora of online sites and Halloween stores make them available.  But it is hard to find quality fangs, unless you dish out the big bucks.  Most fangs look fake, or wear out quickly.

Additionally, most fangs are static.  You don’t have that extra creepy effect of having them actually descend or retract.

Until now.

I was made aware of a new set of special effects fangs that claim to be retractable.  They are available at for the low low sale price of $12.95.  Initially I was just going to write a post letting you all know that such a product exists.  I figured we’d all be biting at the neck for legitimate retractableVampFangs.com fangs.  But I thought, “Hey…you work in a haunted house.  These are probably something you should own.”  So I bought them, tested them, and now present my findings to you.

In theory these fangs are awesome.  By being retractable, they allow you to shock others, just like the vampires from True Blood.  You have the ability to chose when they are visible and when they are hidden.  When they work, they work beautifully.

When they work.

The fangs are made out of a very flimsy plastic, which means they are bendable.  When I opened the package, the right fang was lower than the left one.  Despite my efforts, I could not get the fangs to even out.  Imagine a pair of glasses that wobble on your face.  That’s exactly what it’s like.

Next comes the issue of how the device actually works.  The fangs themselves are on an axle that extends across the width of your mouth, kind of like if you ever had a spacer.  This axle is actually the mechanism you use to control the fangs.  With one flick of your tongue, the fangs appear.  If you want the fangs to retract, push up on the axle with your tongue and the fangs will slide up and be hidden between your gum and your upper lip.

Although this design is neat, it still presents a host of issues.  The first is that it is impossible to talk like a normal human being.  Yes, I know, by wearing fangs I’m not trying to be a human, but still.  It’s really hard to pretend to be Eric when you sound like your mouth is full.  If you want to know what it’s like talking with these things, put the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth and try to have an intelligent conversation.  Or even just indulge me and try saying Bill’s classic line, “I’m here for Sookie.”

The next issue is that it is hard to wear these fangs for an extended period of time.  In comparison to your gum line, the plastic is sharp.  This past weekend I wore the fangs for about a half hour, in which I moved them up and down at a steady rate.  I still have a cut on my upper gum.  The apparatus is very abrasive.  Additionally, you have to bite into a dental mold so that the fangs are custom fitted for your mouth.  When you wear the fangs, you slide your back teeth into the mold so that the whole apparatus stays in place.  After a while it kind of felt like the whole device was pulling my teeth toward the center of my mouth.  Things started to get uncomfortable.  And saliva-y.

Additionally, because the plastic was bent you could see the plastic strip that connected the axle to the actual fang. Therefore, when I let the fangs descend, I looked like a vampire wearing a retainer.  But this was only on the one side.  Also, because the plastic was bent, the fang on that same side had a hard time moving.  Sometimes I’d only have one fang out and I promise I haven’t been to see the Magister.

All in all, I found a lot of problems with these Special FX fangs.  They have the ability to look great and I’m assuming I wouldn’t have had as many complaints if mine were made properly.  But I bought them with the idea of using them in a haunted house to torment guests.  If all you want is to be able to walk around and spook people, then they still might work for you.  But if you wanted to try to use these fangs and talk at the same time, I promise you, you’d have an easier time getting rid of a Maenad.

Has anyone else tried them and have different results?  Make sure to leave comments to let us know!

Here is a video of how they look from VampFangs.com:

SOURCE:  VampFangs.com

Photo Credit:  HBO Inc., Screencap by James

Dr. L

Ask Dr. L – Memories

1 Comment

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

May 26th, 2010

I was watching the episode “I Will Rise Up”, and I noticed Bill saying that it takes only one or two drops of blood for a vampire to form a link with a human. My question is if the same logic goes for “V” users. Do we know whether or not a vampire is able to sense any user who takes one or two drops of his blood, even if he/she’s never come in contact with that person?
——–
V-Curious,
Well, well…this is an intelligent question! Didn’t realize we had some serious thinkers out here, so you are a breath of fresh air! I am usually dealt with fangbangers trying to figure out ways to entice vampires, or shape shifters facing identity crises, etc. Anyhow, yours is an  intelligent, yet fairly easy to answer query. As you have stated,  it only takes a drop or two of blood to form a link with a vampire. It does work both ways to a degree, although the undead seem more keenly in tune with humans who have received their blood than vice versa most times.
However, since V is very concentrated, and has gone through a very rigorous process before it is used- and I had better not hear of it’s being used outside of medical practices, you hear me?- it is highly unlikely and of the cell memory would remain. But that has not been fully tested especially in cases where it’s taken fresh from the cow, so to speak.
My question to you is, “Why do you ask?”. Have you used V outside of medical purposes and you are being drawn to a particular vampire? Hmmmmm????? See, I noticed an omission of a signature, so perhaps you are feeling a bit guilty??? I will hunt you down, you know…

Hey Dr. L,
I’m the coach of a Volleyball team.  The guys work hard at practice but during games, they have no energy or confidence.  Do you know of any of the supes who might rent themselves out to be motivators, or could vampires glamor my players into not being timid?  Hell, you intimidate me over the Internet.  I’ll pay you to do it.
Concerned Coach
Dear CC,
Ah, as I am sure you know, I am a sports fan. Not so much for the sports themselves, but for the sheer pleasure of watching those young, strong, toned bodies on a playing field or court or whatever. But you are correct that it takes a certain ferocity and confidence to be winners.
I know you were just trying to flatter me by saying that I intimidate you over the Internet- and I LOVE to be flattered!-and when you mentioned pay, I was already there. But my ever increasingly busy schedule as a world renowned physician, researcher, author, speaker, healer and Cougar just don’t allow me the time for this.
I will put the work out to the supernatural community, but here’s a head’s up- do not, I repeat, NOT trust a blood sucking vampire to help you with anything. They tend to take your money, then turn you into one of them. I’ll let you know what I come up with. Thank you so much for the high compliment of saying I am intimidating. I feel it is a gift.

Okay Dr. L,
Have I got a money making idea.  Most vamps are super old.  That means that a lot of them know and have actually have witness incredible things in history.  I’m a historian and you have a lot of good connections. What if we worked together to actually “recreate” authentic history, from first hand eye witnesses.  We can split things down the middle. You know how many people would pay good money to have actual Civil War soldiers reenact the Battle of Gettysburg?  Gold mine.
History Hunter
Hey there, Hunter,
You are correct about many vampires being very old. Some of them, including one who tends to plague me quite often, have lived for a thousand or so years. But that is where your gold mine idea tends to go bust. Any information or knowledge they have would come at a very high price which might even include your becoming one of them. And even then, you can’t trust them as far as you can throw them, so who says it would even be true? Think about the price you might be required to pay and then ask yourself if it might not be worth it to continue perusing all those dusty old tomes and coming up with the information yourself.
As for this “we can split things down the middle” stuff- who is “we”? If you mean to include me in that we, it would be at least a 75-25 split in my favor.
Dr. L

Hi….
A friend of mine is a shifter.  Lately he hasn’t been feeling well…andI don’t know why.  But he hasn’t been coming out of his house and he
just kind of lays around.  I really want to take him to get some medical  help but, he is refusing due to his “condition.”  But I think I finally convinced him that he really needs to go.  My question is:
Since he spends part of his life as animals…should I take him to a doctor or a vet?
Concerned Carissa
Hello, CC,
Are you kidding me? I mean, you can’t be serious about this, right? You are writing into MY column, to get FREE ADVICE from me, DR. LUDWIG, famous doctor of supes and humans alike.  Come on, not even you could  have eaten a big enough bowl of stupid to ask me such a ridiculous question. HE SHOULD MAKE AN APPOINTMENT TO SEE ME!!! I take cash or major credit cards.
The nerve of some people!

Hi Dr. L
I’m able to hear peoples thoughts.  I’ve never really use it to my advantage or anything, I just try to live as normally as possible.  My
one friend, who is a huge fan of yours by the way, and reads your site and all this stuff on vampires keeps telling me that I should keep in hiding.  He said that the Vampires might want me for more than my blood.  I live in a really rural area of Pennsylvania and I can almost guarantee that there are no vampires.  But anyways…is it true?  Am I a high priority target for vampires if they figure out what I am?
Kaylie
Hi, Kaylie,
I would like to introduce you to a young woman I have treated who has the same “gift” as you do- telepathy.  Her name is Sookie Stackhouse. The stories I am sure she could tell you about the perils those nasty blood sucking fiends put her through would curl your hair! I have tried, unsuccessfully, to persuade her to leave that element behind. She’s a sweet girl, but seems to be bound and determined to get herself into all manner of life threatening situations because she lets those evil vampires use her for her talents. Sigh…what’s a good doctor to do?
As for you, get in touch with my office. We have a witness protection program for telepaths…for a fee, of course. Hey, what price do you put on your life?
Dr. L

Hello “Doctor”
Although I know your age is somewhat considerable, mine is a similar level.  I do still find it amusing that you adopt the notion that your
pithy advice and answers are something of actual value.  These humans and pathetic scum that read your column are just mindless automatons that think your advice gives them so degree of control in their meaningless lives.
Yet I can not deny that you have gained a certain following.  Therefore, for the sake of all who happen to stumble upon the tiny little niche of the internet that you have carved out for yourself, please tell the good people:  Where did you get your Doctorate?  You call yourself a doctor, don’t the people have a right to know where you’ve obtained your education?  Was the institution accredited?  Did you pass your board exams?  Where did you do your residency?  Did they even have an education system when you were growing up?  Or are you just a fraud, like your dear old friend Ms. Cleo?
“V”
Oh Lord, here we go again. Have you nothing better to do with your time than to badger me? You are supposed to be Mr High And Mighty Vampire Boss- don’t you have women to seduce, or people to rip apart limb by limb, or something like that? And lest you forget, who do you call upon when one of your kind, or one of your humans needs medical assistance and most other doctors flee in terror? Hmmm???? You might want to take that into consideration lest you find I am indisposed next time you call on me. That, or find my price has gone up yet again.
As to your query about my training, any time you are brave enough to come into my office, you can see my multiple degrees and certificates I have on display. The mysteries of healing and medicine I have garnered over the years would (and do) fill volumes used by the venerated institutions to teach medical students.
So, to bring things up to date, Step Back, Jack.  Your opinion and a dollar will buy me a cup of coffee at McDonalds.
Dr. L

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Header Credit: K. S. Rose

Alexander Skarsgard, Interviews, News

Alexander Skarsgard: The Man Behind the Viking Vampire

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DETAILS Magazine recently featured three of True Blood’s hottest male stars on the cover of their issue, “The Men of True Blood.” Those three men were Stephen Moyer, Ryan Kwanten, and Alexander Skarsgard.

Alexander Skarsgard has had an interesting journey from child movie star in Sweden, to the role of Eric Northman. It started three weeks before he left for Marymount Manhattan College, to participate in their acting program. He met a girl and fell head over heels in love. Although he enjoyed the program, he became lonely and was not fond of living in a tiny Times Square apartment. He also knew he didn’t have the longevity of a vampire to try and make the relationship wait until he was done with acting school.

“So I said f**k it, I’m going back to Sweden. I quit school and went back, and it was like I created her in my mind. We hung out for two weeks, and we didn’t get along at all.”

It would be another seven years before Skarsgard returned to the United States, after his pursuit of love left his American acting career dead in the water. But Alex has a rich history of acting in his family and was determined to make something of himself.

His father, Stellan Skarsgard, is a movie star in both Sweden and increasingly on the international silver screen. His most famous roles were “Bill” in Mama Mia and “Bootstrap Bill Turner” in the Pirates of the Carribean. Stellan has also always been behind Alex, regardless of the choices Alex has made in his career.

“My father was totally supportive of me quitting acting. He said, ‘If there’s any other option for you, I recommend that option.'”

Skarsgard’s “other option” ended up being a few months studying English at Leeds University, followed by a 15 month term of duty in the Swedish Marines.

“Sweden is probably one of the three countries least likely to get into a war, so the military’s pretty safe.”

Afterwards, Skarsgard became interested in acting again and was able to land a number of roles in Sweden and a small role as Ben Stiller’s roommate in Zoolander. The role that really gained him a lot of notoriety was the role of Sergeant Brad “Iceman” Colbert in the 2008 HBO miniseries Generation Kill. As he was leaving to go to Africa for the shoot, he heard that Alan Ball was starting to develop True Blood.

“I though, ‘Oh, vampires–I don’t know.’ But then they said Alan Ball was behind it, and I was a huge fan of Six Feet Under and American Beauty. I auditioned on tape from my hotel room in Mozambique.”

Skarsgard was actually auditioning for the role of Bill Compton. But when it came to casting, Alan Ball recalls,

“Alex wasn’t quite right for Bill, but I remember that he was giant and also beautiful. So when it came time to cast Eric, I thought of him. He’s got the most amazing eyes…he’s able to do this thing with them where he loses focus but remains totally focused.”

Skarsgard claims he picked up the trademark Eric Northman stare through a combination of watching Dracula, Nosferatu, The Lost Boys, and believe it or not, nature documentaries.

“It’s, like, you see this big male lion…and he sits up and he looks at something, and you don’t know if he’s going to pounce or if he’s just going to go back to sleep.”

SOURCE:  DETAILS Magazine

(Photo credit:  HBO Inc., screencap by James)

Dr. L

Ask Dr. L – Good Eats!

4 Comments

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

March 30th, 2010

Dear Dr. L,

I just got “made”…..and not like that show that used to be on MTV. I kinda lost a bet and now I’m one of the living dead. My maker is the…”do as I say and don’t question,” type. He and I are still working out which blood type best suits my diet. But…when I was human my favorite meal was Chicken Marsala. My mom would make it for my birthday and every time I visited New York City, I’d always schedule time to stop into Carmines for their chicken Marsala. I miss it. My maker has only told me to drink blood and I didn’t know there was a “nutritional” reason….or if was more for aesthetics. So my question is: What will happen to me if I eat chicken Marsala, or any normal food for that matter. Could I cut the Marsala with blood? Is there anyway for me to enjoy my former favorite meal? If you can find a way for me to enjoy it again, we can work out a deal for you to have some of my blood,

Marsala Magnus

Dear MM,
You’re kidding me, right? Trying to pull the good doctor’s leg, here. Not about the bossy, controlling vampire who turned you- they’re all like that. It’s a matter of you asserting your cajones and telling him which type you prefer. That might take a while. But you want me to believe you still crave human food? Come on now- your heart no longer beats, you don’t breathe, you no longer create gastric juices which stimulate the taste buds- BECAUSE YOU ARE DEAD, YOU DIMWIT!!!

I happen to be an amazing gourmet chef, among my multitude of other talents. Best I can do for you here is think of you next time I make Chicken Marsala Ala Ludwig. No wait, that would give me serious indigestion.
Joke’s over!

Yo, L-Dawg,

My dream is to be a rock star. I don’t even car what instrument. I love them all. I’ve got a guitar, bass, and drum set in my parent’s basement. I can play them all and oh you should hear my voice. But no matter how hard I try, I never get discovered. I’ve heard that vampires are super fast. If I could find one to “turn” me, would I be fast enough to totally shred my axe, like better than Hendrix? Could I make “Moby Dick” sound like “Moby Minnow?” Do you know any vamps willing to turn?

Seattle John (Its a grunge thing)

Dear Grungy,

Excuse me, did you just refer to me as “Dawg”? But I must admit, hip, with it, happening chick that I am, I’m kind of down with “L-Dawg”. Forever young is my motto. And that song was sung by the great Rod Stewart.

Now, as to your question, which must have been formed through some sort of drug induced haze, because if it weren’t, you’d know I would never advise anyone as to how to find a vampire to turn them. And even if I were so inclined, I wouldn’t tell anyone with a brain as obviously fried as yours is, as that would mean you and said brain would be around forever, just like my youth.

And may I just say, I knew the late, great Jimi Hendrix quite well. And even with his usual lack of sobriety, no one has ever, or will ever “shred an axe” like he did. Don’t even bother to dream that one.

Hey Dr. L,

I just got my Masters Degree in Creative Writing. I’ve had this idea for a play involving vampires in my head for ever. Then they came out of the coffin. In that time there have been countless vampire books and what not. I’ve got the first draft of my play done finally and well, I have a two part question: 1. Do you think a real vampire would ever actually play the vampire part? It would make the special effects go some much smoother even though I know we’d have to give up the Sunday matinee. 2. Are there anythings that vampires hate to see about themselves in literature? I mean, my name is going to be on this and I don’t want them coming after me if I write something offensive!

Thanks,

Warren the Writer

Hi, Warren,

I just love creative people! I happen to have written a few books, plays and screenplays myself. By the way, do you have a good agent and publisher you could hook me up with?

OK, as an incentive, I will answer your 2 part question. First, you must realize many of the rich and famous people you adore are vampires. I find the whole lot of them to be tediously vain. BUT- they won’t work cheap. You will have to go union. And if you want them to do their one SFX, well, I doubt a young graduate such as yourself could afford to pay such a steep price. They aren’t only vain, they are greedy.

As to anything being offensive to them, I refer back to my earlier statement about their plaguing vanity. If you flatter them, make them look sexy and hot, it really won’t matter what else you say about them. Of course, they also have rather mercurical, quick silver tempers that can turn on a dime…
So I guess I’m saying here, you tell me what you know about agents, publishers, etc- and I’ll tell you what might make one of these vamps snap your neck in two.

Dear Dr L:
There’s something I’ve always wondered about werewolves. I’m guessing they’re not immortal like vamps, but does the extra vitality their wolf-side has give them extended life spans? I’m just wondering if you’ve ever encountered a “silver-back” werewolf who’s old, grey, decrepit, and “long in the tooth,” to coin a cliche’.

Gill

Dear Gill,

Being of an age myself, my earlier “forever young” remark notwithstanding, I find your old, grey, decrepit and long in the tooth references quite rude! Just because a person has a little snow on the roof, doesn’t mean there isn’t still fire in the furnace! I am rather friendly with quite a few in the Were community, and they would avenge my offense. Just keep this in mind, Gill, that weres are amazing trackers- they can find you and show you how they treat rude people. Next full moon, I’d watch my back, if I were you!

Hi Dr. L!

Love your column, it’s the best for those of us with connections to the Supes! My problem has to do with my long time boyfriend, Jackson. We’ve been going out for about 2 years and I just found out he’s a shape shifter! How exciting is THAT? I’m was a bit freaked out at first.. I mean, his ‘go to’ shape is bat of all things! Scared me witless when he showed me! I thought he was telling me he’s a VAMPIRE YUCK! No offense intended to anyone but I’m a morning person and I’m already anemic.. And then he was hanging from my mother’s tiffany chandelier and I was so freaked that he’d break it or POOP on the tablecloth! I mean, I watch the nature channel, I’ve seen those caves! OMG it really was a very bad day, I ended up chasing him out of the house with a broom! We broke up for a month but he really is the sweetest thing and he’s been working on switching his ‘go to’ to a lovely Persian kitty. Isn’t that just adorable? Anyway, What I’ve been wondering for the last couple weeks since we got back together is.. could he change into a different people shape? I swear I saw him at the local bar chatting up that slut Alice. But he was a good 3 inches taller, thinner and looked a decade older! He says it wasn’t him but I still have this niggling worry..

Sign me: Suspicious

Dear Suspicious,

Dear, dear girl- caught up in the age old worry of fidelity is a tangle, isn’t it? Let’s just be grateful your beloved is not a “yucky vampire”, to begin with. Count your blessings, such as they are.
And bats really aren’t such horrible creatures. I’ve known many people who’ve had them in their belfries for years! HA HA!! But if he’s willing to switch to a Persian kitty, all the better. Just be sure to stock up on kitty litter and hairball remedy. My last bit of advice here might not be so pleasant, but here goes: I know that slut Alice. I’ve seen many a man, human, shifter, whatever- do unbelievable feats just to be with her, if you get my drift. If I were you, I’d hang him from your mother’s chandelier in his human form by his most delicate private parts and leave him there to ask himself if Alice was worth it.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Header Credit: K. S. Rose

Books, News

Charlaine Harris To Visit the University of Central Arkansas

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Famed author Charlaine Harris is set to hold a free lecture and book signing at the University of Central Arkansas on April 1, 2010 at 7:30 pm.

Harris is the author of the popular “Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire Mysteries” which are the basis of the HBO hit series “True Blood.”

Harris‘ visit has been funded by the UCA Student Government Association, which is advised by Larry Burns.  Burns feels that the lecture will be exciting for the UCA community.

“Bringing Charlaine Harris is a great example of the Student Government Association putting students first and providing and opportunity to meet and hear from a truly relevant and current author.”

Burns added:

“Many students, staff and faculty are really excited to have Ms. Harris here on campus.”

The lecture has reserved seating and will take place at the Reynolds Performance Hall. Two tickets per person may be picked up at the UCA Box office, which is open Monday through Friday from 10 am. to 4 pm.  Reserved tickets may be obtained up until 7 pm. on the night of April 1.  If tickets are not picked up by 7 pm. on April 1, they will be given away.  UCA ID is required by all students, faculty, and staff when picking up reserved tickets.

For more information you can visit their website here or contact them at 501-450-3265.

SOURCE:  University of Central Arkansas News

Picture credit:  HBO Inc.

Dr. L

Ask Dr. L – Aliens, Were’s and Buggs? Oh My!

2 Comments

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

March 12th, 2010

So Dr. L,

I’ve been reading like, all of your responses and I love them by the way, but with all of the strange supernaturals I gotta ask: Have you ever experienced aliens? Like if there are werewolves, shifters, vamps and all that good stuff…there’s got to be aliens. Ever meet one? Does their blood do anything crazy? Could a vamp or werewolf beat the aliens in an fight? I mean, you’ve had to have run into some aliens…right?

Thanks,

UFO Hunter

Dear Hunter,
As much as I tried, I couldn’t stop myself from envisioning you in line for many hours, dressed in your Klingon costume waiting for a Star Trek convention to open …so I had to just let that happen, and allow myself the moments of hysterical laughter that bubbled up from that vision.

Now that I have somewhat composed myself, I will try to address your question. You are correct in that I have “run into some aliens”. Some of them are currently back in their own native countries, some are encarcerated, awaiting deportation…OK, I’m cracking myself up here, so I’ll get serious.

Since Earth is a rather slow, dense, base planet, most of it’s inhabitants are still on a path of great, much needed, learning. Only a few of us are advanced beyond that level, and yes, I include myself in that “us”. That being said, the Star People, the ones you call aliens, are so far advanced that if they decided to really set up camp on our humble planet, none of us- including weres, shifters, vamps, and any other beings you might see as powerful- would be a match for them. Personally, I would wave the flag of surrender at once, if these beings decided to invade. Well, perhaps I would first try to strike a deal- my infinite knowledge of all Earth’s variety of beings to be allowed into their inner circle, or something like that.

And honestly, does a person who uses the word “like” as much and as inappropriately as you do really think he (or she) can actually catch a UFO? “Beam me up, Scotty!”

I really want to play a prank on my friend and I think if I had a shifter helping me out it would be like hysterical. Or like I know vamps are really strong and can move really fast and I’m moving next month. Do you know of any places or personal shifters or vampires who like rent themselves out? Or maybe you could start that and make a buck or two off of the supes that I can gather your not very fond of? I’d be your first customer. I mean I’m not lazy, but I’m more than willing to throw money at a problem to get it done right.

Crossing Fingers,

Richie Rich

Dear RR,
How rich are you? Because most of us have a price, myself included. Not that I would actually do menial labor, such as moving (shudder!), but I might be able to persuade a few of the creatures you mention to perform your “prank”- for a fee.
Seriously, how rich ARE you?

Greetings.

I’ve read your column for a certain degree of amusement. I like to watch the pitiful breathers think that they are actually superior to us and that they continue to be deluded by the fact that we willingly give up our blood. But the more and more I read, I can clearly gather the seething hatred you have for my kind. I could honestly care less whether or not you like or hate a vampire. But what I can not allow to pass is for you to perpetrate the notion that the uncivilized werewolves, or the honor-less shifters are superior to us.

Therefore I want to know, given your vast experience with all the various types of “races” should you find yourself in a situation where you needed to ask a vampire, werewolf, or shifter for aid, which would you pick? And please do not allow bias to influence your decision. I want to know who you think would be able to offer you the most useful support in any type of harrowing situation. You attempt to exploit us all anyways, so which race is the most useful to you? I’d be surprised if you say anything else other than vampire.

Vindicated Vampire
Dear Vindicated, or shall we say “V“,
Did you really think you could hide behind a pseudonym? I know and recognize your tone, as well as your linguistics. We know each other, you and I- and have for quite a long time. In fact, we have discussed this very question, ad nauseum. You know I need vampires for their blood, from which I extract “V” for scientific research and healing purposes. You also know if it weren’t for that fact, I would be most delighted to see all of you obliterated from this planet.

As to which group, vampires, shifters, werewolves, etc, would win in a peeing contest, I don’t really know. You all have your strengths, weaknesses, and yes- uses to me. Your opinion of weres as uncivilized or shifters as honorless is as foolish as your saying vampires are superior. Your opinion and a few bucks will buy me a cup of coffee, pal. And since your arrogance enters the room before you do, I must say to you yet again to F$#K off.

Hey, what’s up Doc!

I’m a shifter and my goto form is this really fast grey rabbit with the most handsome ears you’ll ever see. Life is great, charmin’ the girl bunnies, teasin dogs, running circles around the local reptile population. But I have one big problem that really bugs me: I have this overwhelming craving for carrots! This gets me into a lot of trouble as I can’t pass up a carrot without taking a nibble. My neighbor El is all up in arms about the ‘rodent infestation’ in the neighborhood and he’s darn near shot me twice. The local grocer has barred me from his store after a little incident where I was, shall we say, samplin’ the goods.

To top it off my girlfriend Lola who is a small town news reporter has started to complain that I have ‘carrot breath’ and that my lips are turning orange. She’s been bugging me to give up the sticks. Even the thought of it is hair raising.. or is that hare rasing? heh That’s a joke, Doc.

What can I do? I have a big rematch race coming up with this tortoise down the street.. I suppose youse heard about how I lost to him last Time because the race went by El’s carrot patch? I swear, I only meant to stop for one little nibble! This year it’s going past the local farmer’s market.. I’m droolin’ just thinking of all the sweet carrots that’s going to be at that event. Help me, doc! This carrot obsession is really buggin me!

Sign me: One Bugged Bunny

Dear Bugged,
Oh, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard your opening line, I’d be…well, richer than I already am.

Your query is not an uncommon one. Many shifters feel a particular fondness for certain things their “other” side enjoys. I knew one shifter, a dog, who was arrested because he couldn’t stop his compulsion for using fire hydrants as his toilets, even in human form. I believe that case is coming to trial soon…but I digress.

My best advice here is for you to dump lovely Lola, and enjoy all the female bunnie beauties at your disposal. I can guarantee, none of them will complain of your carrot breath- it will work as an aphrodesiac. Not that rabbits ever seem to need one.

Many “hoppy” returns!

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom do a search using  the site search tool and use ‘Ask Dr. L’ in the box!

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Bill Compton, News, Sam Merlotte, Sam Trammell, Season 3 News, Video Interviews

VIDEO: Sam Trammell Talks About Season 3 At The Spirit Awards

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Everyone’s favorite True Blood shapeshifter, Sam Merlotte, was recently spotted at the 25th Annual Film Independent’s Spirit Awards. The Spirit Awards are held each year to celebrate the work of independent film makers.

Prior to the event, About.com’s Rebecca Murray managed to catch up with True Blood star, Sam Trammell, and ask him some questions about the HBO hit drama’s upcoming third season. Sam promises that the third season is going to be the best season yet.

When asked about a raunchy scene that Sam Merlotte will share will Bill Compton, Trammell replies,

“The cat is out of the bag, I mean I can’t say anything more than that…people want to be surprised…but there is something people will be talking about, for sure.”

Many thanks to Rebecca Murray for informing us about her wonderful interview with Sam.  To enjoy the complete interview, please click the link here to watch Rebecca’s video interview with Sam which you do not want to miss.

Also please visit Rebecca’s blog to read her latest reports from the entertainment world.

SOURCE:  Rebecca Murray, About.com

(Photo credit:  HBO Inc., screencap by James)

News, Supporting Cast

Evan Rachel Wood Lands New Role on HBO

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Long live the queen. Evan Rachel Wood, best known to True Blood fans as vampire queen Sophie-Ann Leclerq, will play alongside Kate Winslet and Guy Pearce in HBO’s miniseries Mildred Pierce.

The basic story revolves around a single mother trying to survive Los Angeles amidst the Great Depression. As her financial situation improves, Mildred’s relationship with her eldest daughter wavers.

Winslet is set to play the title character in the five-hour miniseries. As of right now, Wood‘s role has not been announced, but speculation suggests she’ll play Winslet’s daughter, Veda.

Mildred Pierce will be an adaptation of James M. Cain’s noir novel of the same title. The project will be directed by Todd Haynes and filming will take place in New York from April through June.

We’ll see how this vampire queen holds the screen with her new co-stars. Definitely something to look forward to.

SOURCES:

ropeofsilicon.com

theplaylist.blogspot.com

slashfilm.com

(Photo credit: HBO Inc., screencap by James)