Tag Archives: Fantasy

Dr. L

Ask Dr. L – Fangtastic Fun!

1 Comment

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

July 28th, 2010

Hi Dr. L,
So now that True Blood is featuring werewolves…can you give us some basic werewolf info?  Are they immortal too?  Do they have any weaknesses?  Is it an inherited thing like the shifters?  Its just that I’ve had my eye on a vampire for a while, but werewolves…kinda…got me all excited.
Supe Lover Sasha
Dear Sasha,
I have to say, I like your change of taste. I am very good friends with Alcide and his family and pack, and I happen to think Big A is HOT! Of course, as his doctor of record, I cannot do anything about that…sigh…
As to your question, yes, the werewolf anomaly is inherent. It can- and  does- vary within families. I have heard some pretty funny stories about young weres taking their younger siblings trick or treating on a full moon, and having some bully try to take the younger kids candy, and the were coming out and scaring the bejesus out of the bully! That really cracks me up!
As for their being immortal, I don’t think there is a scientific way to tell if that’s true or not, as they usually tend to let their werewolfishness come out at the wrong time at one time or another, and they get themselves offed. But they do seem they hold up pretty well, till they get popped.
Here’s to the weres!

Hello Dr. L,
I know all of the reasons why humans shouldn’t be involved romantically with vampires.  But despite all my stern warnings, my daughter just can’t help but be infatuated with them.  It’s not even a specific vampire, it’s just vampires in general, even though she does think that one of them stands out amongst the rest.  Anyway, do you have any resources that I can use to sway her?  You know in Drivers Ed classes, they show pictures of auto accidents and the physical injury done to victims of drunk driving to help “shock” them?  Do you have anything like that, except for vampires?
Mrs. Avery (Madison’s Mother)
Dear Mother,
I take it Madison is your only, or at least your first child. The reason I reach such a conclusion is that if you had older children, you’d already know the only sure fire way to get an offspring not to do something, is to make them think you want them to do it. If they think that you think it is positive, even “cool”, they will do the exact opposite.

.

So here’s what I suggest: Start dressing and acting slutty, like all those fangbangers seem to prefer. Stay up all night, and sleep all day. It would be fabulous if you could get your husband to dress up like one of those vile creatures, fangs and all, and to smear some fake blood on your neck and various places. Put up posters of Eric, Bill, etc on your bedroom wall, and if Madison walks in, look at them raptly, and make little moaning noises.
You get the drift.
Let me know how this goes. I’ll bet Madison drops the whole vampire love idea and goes back to Sunday School.<br>
Good Luck!

Good evening Dr. L,
I am a recently made vampire and all I’ve been hearing is that I should “hate werewolves.”  It probably is something akin to how race relations were earlier in America’s history.  Anyway, other than the whole “we don’t want those dirty animals amongst us”  pride thing….is there a reason why we just don’t turn them?  Can they even be turned?
Gothic Geraldine
Dear G. G.,
I first must address your statement about America’s earlier history having prejudiced race relations. When did that change, and where was I?
But, to the best of my knowledge, vampires cannot turn werewolves. There is something in the werewolf DNA that prevents this, and you are a stupid, blood sucking fiend, and would never understand the explanation if I deigned to take the time to give such an explanation, which I will not.
So, put your fangs back in, sister. I know many of those were males are hot, but they won’t do you any good.


Yo Dr. L,
So I’m confused….There are vampire kings and vampire queens who seem to have the power.  But there there is this Magister fellow, who seems to scare the heck out of the vampires, or at the very least has power over them.  We’ve met two monarchs (Sophie Ann and Russell Edgington) but only one Magister.  Where in the vampire chain o’ command does the Magister fit?  Is he like the vampire Judicious Branch or something?
Scotty
Well, beam me up, Scotty! (sorry, I couldn’t resist!),
As you should know, I do try to stay far, far away from the doings of the vampire world. I only tolerate them to have access to their blood, which is one of the most powerful healing agents on Earth. If it were not for that, I would be delighted to see each and every one of these creatures of the night rounded up and taken to a hot, light, bright tropical island where they’d meet the sun. Wow, what a bonfire that would make!


But, I do believe there is only one Magister. He is one powerful fiend, and is likely the vampire Judicial Branch (don’t they send people to school anymore???). He scares me. And if you know your True Blood history, you know I am not scared of even the big, bad sheriff vampire of my district, so this is really saying something.
Be afraid- be very afraid…


Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Header Credit: K. S. Rose

Fangtasy

Bon Temps Tattler: It Could Be You

2 Comments

I think I need to write you people again, the record needs to be set straight. First let me tell you, Bill Compton is NOT my daddy; I don’t care what he thinks. He is my maker and I have to listen to him but I do have a mind of my own and I won’t be silenced. Now, Bill told me to be nice in replying to Mrs. Fortenberry so I will tell you this very nicely. I think it’s funny that Maxine Fortenberry wants to show how her underwear out in public by putting it out there that she has lesbian tendencies. Honestly, didn’t she beg me to hog tie her? I have no problem with each man, woman, vampire or even dog doing their own thing but I am into men, Mrs. Fortenberry, more specifically I love your son. He knows how to treat a lady and he is doing Renard Parish a huge service by telling all these men (and I do use that term loosely) how to treat a female vampire. I think if you are smart you could even use his tips to date human women.

Bill told you all about his history but you know nothing  about my human Daddy.   My daddy is a self-righteous dictator that did nothing but make us believe that no matter what we did we were going to hell. My mother was his door mat and never stood up for her kids. I got a kid sister that lost the only protection she had when Bill turned me. I was in school and just like every teen-age girl and I had friends. They talked me into sneaking out to go to see Twilight and that’s how I got kidnapped, how’s that for a coincidence? I know I told everyone that it was the first time I had snuck out but truth is I had snuck out two other times. I was getting pretty sure of myself till that bitch grabbed me and took me to the tribunal. Bill was to be punished for killing a vampire, but I ask you, “Who do you think got punished?”

You know what we should really be debating? Well it damn sure ain’t who is dating Hoyt Fortenberry. Do you hicks even realize the rights I lost in a split second? As soon as our lives are turned Vampire, we lose rights like voting, marriage, having children and if the churches are right then we lose our soul, with any chance of getting into heaven. I guess daddy was right after all. I love Hoyt but if Mrs. Fortenberry has her way then that right will be taken away too. I am not the girl next door, but I’m not no whore neither. She has people looking down on me for being something I have no control over. I should not be looked at like I am lower than you; in truth I am better than you. I thought you Christians believed in acceptance but all I hear is you wanting to segregate or outright kill us. I am not asking any of you to accept me into your home. Hell, most of your houses I wouldn’t enter even if I was invited.

Eric, yes I am talking about Eric Northman, Sheriff of Area Five. You know, the area you live in and where I only need his permission to hunt who and where I want? Anyways he told me not to  worry over what lower life forms think. That in time I would come to understand that you are bitter because of your short lifespans. But I don’t want to wait when my character is being drug through the mud by a holier than thou bitch.

Mrs. Fortenberry will never accept that Hoyt loves me. She will always say I tricked her little boy. I am going to tell you this just once: there ain’t anything little on that man and he dang sure ain’t no boy! But that is our business and I know Bill will tell me to behave as a young lady should. So I will quote the great Abe Lincoln “Endeavor to Persevere” I will love Hoyt Fortenberry just like he loves me. If you want to sign up for MADV just think about me when you do it. You may be the next taken to stand in for a punishment. You may be the next Jessica Hamby….

[Editorial comment: Please feel free to leave your opinions in the comment section at the bottom of this ‘Letters to the Editor’ section. No reason why us more normal folks can’t have our say too!]

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)

Dr. L

Ask Dr. L – It’s the Wild, Wild Wolves!

1 Comment

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

June 10th, 2010
Doctor,

As a werewolf, I’m prone to violence. Cliche, I know, but I don’t care. I also know what kind of wrath will fall upon me if I succumb to these urges. So do you know any sort of set ups like “American Gladiators?” but for Supes? It’d be nice to have a sanctioned type of place to be physical.

Vasher

Dear Vash,

My, my- just imagine- a werewolf prone to violence! What will they think of next? Does this mean you won’t come home and be my nice little puppy dog? Just kidding!

Actually, I commend you for looking for outlets for your supernatural urges. You won’t ever hear a vampire asking for something so noble. And since I love watching sports- not for the sport, but to look at the young, hot men playing the sports- I will keep a lookout for a venue for you and your friends to tear each other up in. I will even offer to sew you up afterward for a reduced fee, if you give me free tickets.

And you are so right- the wrath of Dr. Ludwig will fall upon you if I hear of you succumbing to those urges on innocent folks! Grrrrrrrrr……!!!

Hi Dr. L,

Big fan. Anyways, although I know that the events that happen in True Blood are fictional, I know that the supernaturals are real and something to worry about. Watching season 2, Maryann really freaked me out. She took over the whole town. But I also remember that she is some sort of minor Greek God. How common would you say Maenads are?

Terrified Terry

Dear T.T.,

First of all, you throw me for a loop by saying the events in True Blood are fictional. Says who?
As for that scuzzy maenad, Maryann, I could have taken her out right after I repaired Sookie’s back from her nasty attack. But then, nobody asked me…

She was a one note wonder. All the Greek gods I know are happy to stay in their own dimensions and mess with us from there. She just had to try to take over my little corner of the world. But no worries- she’s gone for good. Don’t look over your shoulder for a charging bull. You’re safe. Unless you live on a cattle farm, perhaps.

How ya doin’ there?

I’m a farmer from Wisconsin. I have a lot of cattle that I raise for beef. I’m in constant fear that somethings gonna eat ’em. Something that ain’t a wild varmint. I reckon a werewolf would…cause they are like half wolf. But what about vampers? What if they were desperate and there was no humans around. Could they even drink other kinda blood? Should I line my fences with silver and grow lots of garlic?

Agricultural Andy

Hello, Farmer Andy,

Funny, I just mentioned a cattle farm in the last reply- gee, I must be getting psychic!
But your question is a serious one, I’m sure, so I will address it as such. You are correct, a werewolf could and would eat your cattle. I’ve seen the aftereffects, and it is not pretty. And though they are more prone to human blood, a desperate “vamper” would take blood from your cattle as well, and it would result in very anemic beef for your consumers.

Yes, you could line your fences with silver and grow a lot of garlic. But here is what I suggest: Get a big flock of chickens. Chicken blood tends to make males cocky, and females lay better.
I’ll be here all week, folks!

Hey Dr. L,

Having just found out that there are werewolves in the world I’m very concerned. You see, I live out in the Rockies and have noticed a brand new wolf-pack has moved in. I’m very familiar with the local pack and they seem very nervous and have started ranging higher in the mountains.
The local Elk seem to be moving out of the way of the new pack as well.

All this happened about the same time as a the old Mayfield property was bought up by some kind of commune or religious sect or something. I was talking to the local butcher in town and he told me that they’ve ordered so much meat from him that he’s had to hire a new guy just to keep up. He’s hired the Simpson kid, now there’s an odd duck for you. Always studying the animals, hardly ever hangs out with the other kids in town. And at least once a week someone says they’ve caught him running naked
in the woods! Anyway, do you think these new folks up at Mayfield could be werewolves? How can I find out?

Worried Willy

Dear Willy,

Sounds like you have good reason to be worried! Personally, I’d be getting out of Dodge if it was a religious sect or commune moving in. Those people are STRANGE. And coming from me, that’s saying something. But your neighbors seem to be even spookier. When the meat starts to disappear, trouble can’t be far behind. (did I just say that???).
So, as a word of advice, I’d start looking to relocate. Or, get yourself a big flock of chickens (see previous reply…ba dum bump).

Hey Dr. L,

I know that most vampires are extremely old and are stuck in their ways. But I also know that there are new ones, “made” every so often. With vampires being out of the coffin, I’m sure it is now easier than ever to continue on with the same life goals as you had as a human. Therefore, do you think new vampires still would go to college to learn things? Are colleges making arrangements for vampires to enter their classrooms?

Thanks,

Stanely the Sage

Dear Stanley,

First of all, I resent the idea that if a person- or vampire– is of a certain age, that we, I mean they are stuck in their ways. Some folks remain vibrant and imaginative and young at heart, no matter the chronological age. Just wanted to clear that up, Stan.
As for vampires going to college, I have yet to meet one of these egotistical, vain, vile creatures who don’t think they know everything already, so why would they go to college? The really young newbies are so busy destroying things and people, and being generally obnoxious, they have no time for college. So please know, your hallowed halls are safe from these fiends. Well, unless you offer night classes on sexual perversion, or the like.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Header Credit: K. S. Rose