On the Couch-Lafayette

October 1, 2010 by  

You would think that after twenty-five years of being a psychologist there wouldn’t be many people that could surprise me. Well, you could think that, but you’d be wrong. You see, the people who drive nearly an hour up Interstate 49 from this itty-bitty town by the name of Bon Temps never fail to surprise me when they lie on my couch. There’s got to be something in the water down there because every time one of them comes in to see me, they either dress odd, act odd or just plain have the oddest stories. Even reading over the saner moments in my transcripts from today I’m struck by how different these folks are from my other patients.

October 1, 2010
Dr. Ricky Lee Botomy
Patient: Lafayette Reynold
Appointment Time: 2:00

Doctors Note:
Patient maintains a facade of carelessness although it seems to cover a nearly constant state of agitation. Not sure if this is his usual state since he behaved this way during his first visit as well. Patient once again appears to be struggling with his sense of sexual identity. Wears heavy make-up and carries himself in a flamboyant manner. His clothing choices seem extremely odd; A gold lamé scarf tied around a pair of three quarter length shorts with combat boots. He seems to be extremely proud of his muscular frame as he is again wearing another tank style shirt that emphasizes his pectorals and upper body strength. Can be very intimidating to say the least.

Lafayette:
Hey, doc.

Doctor:
Hi, Lafayette! Come and have a seat. Make yourself comfortable. How was your drive up here today?

Lafayette:
It was aiight. The same dirt and mosquitoes. Now, I know why black folks shouldn’t own convertibles.

Doctor:
Did you think anymore about what we discussed last week?

Lafayette:
Yeah, doc, I did. You may have a point but I’m not with all of that right now.

Doctor:
Okay, we’ll discuss it later then.

Lafayette:
Cool.

Doctor:
So, how has your week been?

Lafayette:
Crazy, doc. I’ve been trying to keep an eye on my cousin Tara because she ain’t right in the head. I understand she’s upset about her man and all that but damn she needs to suck it up. She ain’t the first woman to lose a man and at least he was killed. Any woman would be happy to say her man was killed instead of just walked out on her ass.

Doctor:
Oh, okay. And how does that make you feel?

Lafayette:
It makes me feel like slapping her is how I feel! She’s the only family I have and I love her dumb ass to death but, some days it’s too much. She’s my best friend, if I lost her…

Doctor:
Then how would you feel, Lafayette?

Lafayette:
Like strangling her! Earlier today I couldn’t find her and I was losing my grits trying to figure out where she could be. The last time I left her with her mother; she went into the bathroom and called herself ending it all, swallowed a bunch of pills. I will not have that. So, I texted the basket case asking her where she was and she texted me back saying she’s alright. So, I guess she’s alright even though I haven’t laid eyes on her yet…

Doctor:
Are you worried, something else may happen?

Lafayette:
What else is there? We done lived through all the misery in God’s creation! I ain’t worried no more. There’s only so much one person can live with from day to day. She said she was okay, I’m gonna believe her on this one. I mean, a diva’s gotta work.

Doctor:
How is your work going?

Lafayette:
Aiight. How many ways can you beautify a steak just so ignorant people can eat it like a cheeseburger, ketchup and all!

Doctor:
So are you unhappy with your job?

Lafayette:
Am I unhappy with my job? No, I’m unhappy with ALL my JOBS. With an S, honey. Shiiiit, if I just had one I’d be smoking a joint on cloud nine and be clicking heels like Fred Astaire. One job, that’s funny.

Doctor:
Do you have a problem with managing money?

Lafayette:
No, I have a problem with keeping money. I’m an entrepreneur and it ain’t like being a short order cook in the back woods of Bon Temps will open a bunch of doors for me. Believe me, if there were even the smallest window these jobs could lead me to, I would’ve opened it already, went through and never came back!

Doctor:
You seem to use humor a lot. I wonder if that is in some way a defense mechanism..?

Lafayette:
Yeah, it’s protecting me from going DC sniper on people’s asses! But, that’s another story, I guess.

Doctor:
Okay Lafayette, I’m afraid that’s all we can get to today. Next week I’d like to talk a little bit more about you and what we can do to handle conflict in your life. I want to know all about Lafayette and what makes him tick.

Lafayette:
Ooh. Then buckle your seatbelt, doc. I’m gonna do more than rock your world!

Doctor:
Good bye, Lafayette.

Lafayette:
See ya, doc.

Disclaimer: This column is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “On the Couch” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to the Charlaine Harris, Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Ayondela McDole

Photo Credit: http://open.salon.com/blog/annette2009

Share