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Confessions of a Biker Bride” by Debbie P.
Guess what, Ya’ll?? I’m gettin’ hitched to Coot– the baddest, strongest, meanest biker in town. Ain’t ya jealous?? I know summa ya’ll heard that I was gonna marry that Alcide Herveaux, but that ain’t true no more. He and I just don’t see eye to eye on things and he ain’t the kinda man I want, BUT that don’t mean that ya’ll sleazy skanks can have him neither cuz you might think that you’re woman enough for him, but ya ain’t. It’s gonna take him a LONG TIME to get over the likes of me so BACK THE FREAK OFF BITCHES….especially you, Sookie Stackhouse! Stick to what you know best….datin’ dead things. But wait, your dead thing don’t want you no more, does he? Hmm, pity….NOT!
Anyways, back to me and Coot. Yup, we’re gettin’ married soon and it ain’t gonna be no traditional type weddin’ neither. That’s one thing I ain’t gonna miss about marryin’ Alcide. He wanted the big ole church weddin’ with me in a fru-fru white dress and a guest list a mile long. That just ain’t me, not now anyways. Me and Coot‘s weddin’s gonna be so cool…Lots a bikes roarin’ and beer flowin’ and meat sizzlin’ on the fire. None of that champagne toast crap for us. We’re gonna be real. We’re gonna make it all ours….despite what my Momma might think.
Speakin’ of Momma, she’s been houndin’ me to get all registered for gifts and such. I keep tryin’ ta tell her that we don’t want any of that crap from department stores. What do I need fancy dishes and crystal glasses for, huh? I am never gonna use them that’s for sure…and I don’t plan on holdin’ any fancy dinners neither. The kind of people we hang with drink straight from the beer can and eat off paper plates. I guess I can look at the Wal-Mart and see what they got for kitchen stuff. They got nice things and if sumthin’ breaks, it can be replaced real easy. One thing we do want to get are matchin’ tattoos, so ya’ll can get us gift certificates for Joe-Bob’s Tats. Also, anythin’ from the Harley Davidson Store would be cool as hell! Of course, the best gift is cold, hard cash and plenty of it!
This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Bon Temps Tattler and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.
(Photo credit: HBO Inc, Truebloodnet.com Gallery)
MsLovely DreamBishop
Whatever Ms. Pelt! Congrats on the fairly obvious white trash wedding you seem to be fixin’ for. Don’t worry, since you’ve registered at Kmart, I’ve gotten you and your grubby hubby some Lovely Martha Stewart Living bedsheets. Aww, yes Debbie! Nothing says coming up in the world like Martha. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, don’t concern yourself about your ex hotty, Alcide. I’ll take REEALLLLLL good care of hin. Rest assured, you can count on me!!! Now go back to picking what flavored moonshine you want served for your reception at the Piggley Wiggley. Might I suggest Peach/Watermelon…