Ask Dr. L: Humans Taste Bloody Good

October 10, 2009

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For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

September 16, 2009:

Dear Doctor L:

My vamp boyfriend says my blood tastes too salty, but I swear I am on a low sodium diet. What do you think is the problem, or is he trying to give me the flick for someone sweeter??

Salty Siren

Dear Doctor Ludwig:

Is there anyway to really tell if my vampire girlfriend likes me for myself, or just because I’m diabetic? Can a vampire have a sweet tooth?

Gill

Dear Salty Siren and Gill,

I will answer your questions together as you both seem to be having similar issues with your vampires. I suggest to you both eat lean red meat and liver, they are both rich sources of iron and are easily absorbed. It is a common myth that blood tastes like copper but it is actually the iron in your blood that can be tasted. If you truly want to get into the different varieties of tastes, try varying your diet with mint, pineapple juice (yes it also changes blood flavor slightly) and lime. The effects may be slight to none. Vampires cannot taste sugar in the blood as glucose is not necessary for vampires nutrition and does not provide them with energy as it does us. Vampires derive their energy from our life forces, you’ll notice that ‘True Blood’ is not caffeinated! So don’t worry about not being sweet enough or being too sweet. If your blood tastes too salty? Stop Crying like a baby every time be bites you.

One other tip that I would suggest for you? Track down an empty bottle of True Blood your Vampire drinks (O negative, A, B etc.) and look at what ingredients are on the bottle. Take the necessary vitamin supplements to match the concoction and you will be on your way to tasting fangtastic.

And humans, this isn’t a cooking advice hotline. I suggest you wiki this information before you ask a reputable doctor about flavors. Since the vamps came out of the coffin there are numerous forums on this topic.

Now Scram!

Doctor Ludwig

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Tell me, is it true that the legendary Dr. Van Helsing, the tireless, humorless adversary of the infamous undead Count in Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” (and a character in so many subsequent versions of the classic story) was, like ol’ Vlad himself, indeed a real-life person and actually a vampire slayer? And beyond that, is there any truth to the rumor that you yourself are a descendant of that notorious vampire hunter?

Anon

Dear Anon,

There are many things in this life that you may not be aware of, reality and fiction blend into legend and sometimes those whom we hoped to be fictional are now feared as fact. While there is much to be admired about the literary Dr. Van Helsing, his strong commitment to his calling, his intelligence, his morals, how he turned a phrase, the way he dressed and the scent of his aftershave… er where was I?  Oh yes, I was saying how it vexes me that I must tell you that any record of a Dr. Van Helsing existing would not be a question for a Doctor such as me, but more for a historian.

As for me being a descendant of the Slayer, what preposterous nonsense. His very existence is in question yet you believe I’m his offspring? And if I were, do you think I would reveal myself and risk making enemies of my clientele? Is this a stupidity test because if so.. you’re passing with flying colors!

I will not answer your question – as you see fit to remain anonymous, I see fit to keep my personal details a secret.

I am watching you…

Doctor Ludwig

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Dear Dr. Ludwig:
Is there a charity I could contribute to to further your research into appropriate medical protocols for supes?
Your work is incredibly important and deserves more support and recognition.
ToniC

Toni C,

What a generous offer, I truly appreciate people like you who wish to help me further my research by donating money to the cause of supes, how flattering, how kind.

You are right, my work is incredibly important and it deserves both significant financial support and worldwide recognition, just as it is currently receiving. How dare you suggest I am not recognized for my work. Why my work is recognized far and wide as the premier work on Vampires, Shifters and Wares as well as various other creatures best left unnamed.  I’m very well financially compensated for my healing and ‘donations’ to my research continue to flow as freely as arterial blood.  Bah! Amateur.

Unless you are a powerful force in the supernatural world I doubt you would have anything to contribute to my cause. And if you were such a person I would undoubtably be in contact with you already and if this is the case, stop by my office should you want to make a deal.

If we haven’t met before then know this now, I am not interested in charity.

Leave me alone… unless you would like to volunteer as a ‘lab rat’ for one of my experiments!

Uncharitably yours

Doctor Ludwig

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

To view past Q & A check the Dr. L archives!

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Season 2: Episode 12 – “Beyond Here Lies Nothin”

October 7, 2009

sookie-stackhouse-true-bloodIn the Season Two Finale, Bon Temps achieves peak mass hysteria with Maryanne preparing for a Looney Tunes wedding ceremony. Enlisting Sookie as Maid of Honor, Maryanne dons Granma Stackhouse’s wedding dress for the occasion sealing her new title of Miss Asylum Bon Temps 2009.

Sophie-Anne warns Eric to keep Bill from finding out too much about certain arrangements that are going on. Jason and Andy attempt to do good but end up becoming part of the revelry.

Hoytt ends up learning a few home truths that change the way that he and Maxine will interact in the next season, and leaves home hinting that Bon Temps Romeo and Juliet may be reunited next season. Here’s hoping.

Sam is forced to put his trust in Bill and make a risky move. Sam’s trust pays off and Maryanne is tricked into thinking that the God has come for her, thus bringing forth her downfall. Who said Maenads can’t be gullible?

Season two cliff hanger ends when Bill proposes to Sookie at Dinner. Overwhelmed, Sookie leaves to regain composure and when she makes the choice, on returning finds Bill gone.

Top 5 of Season 2 Finale

5. That huge egg turning out to be an ostrich egg. Way to put a red herring in there! Nice trick!

4. Maryanne wearing Gran’s wedding dress. Anyone who wears a dead ladies clothes is definitely CooCoo for Coco Puffs!

3. Hoytt telling his mother how it is. This is an amazing character development for him and it will be amazing to see him grow over the period of next season.

2. Sookies engagement proposal. The emotions that it stirred, and the questions that it raised? Brilliant.

1. The Number One best of Season Two Finale? Maryanne is Dead! Thank Goodness, now lets move on to something that is a little less… repetitive.

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True Blood Season 2: Episode 11 – “Frenzy”

September 4, 2009

Vampy Vamp Eric.Bon Temps, once an idyllic little swamp side town is now in shambles and spiraling into debauchery, growing more violent by the second. In an attempt to put an end to this rapid decline Bill leaves town to consult the Vampire Queen of Louisiana, Sophie-Anne – only to find that getting information from her majesty is like pulling teeth. After spending the night in Sophie-Anne’s gaudy beach themed palace, Bill receives some cryptic information that might help the doomed town.

On waking Tara from her zombie possessed mind, Lafayette and Sookie find that it is harder to keep Tara alive when she is at full consciousness, than when she is posessed. On sweet talking her mother to undo her binding, Tara escapes in order to save Eggs and ultimately walks back into trouble.

Sam, with Arlene’s children in tow, seeks help from Eric out of shear desperation. Eric obliges and leaves to obtain information from Sophie-Anne and in the process crosses paths with Bill. In a strange twist of events, Hoytt protects Maxine from Jessica, leaving Jessica alone at Bills house, completely heart broken.

Sookie and Lafayette attempt to rescue Tara again from harms way only to discover that Tara is once again back under the control of Maryanne and is making a nest with Eggs for an oversized Egg.

Top 5 of Frenzy

  1. The song Frenzy! I hadn’t heard that song since Songs in the Key of X – The X-files soundtrack came out in 1996!
  2. Yahtzee! Wow what other game would Vampires like to play poolside? It helped make the scene more kitsch and human. Great choice!
  3. Jessica’s heartbreak when Hoytt choses to leave with his posessed mother rather than stay. Fingers crossed they make up soon.
  4. Sookies determination to save Tara even though it was a stupid choice. Sookie steps up as one of the stronger characters of the show at times when needed.
  5. Sam asking Eric for help and Eric’s reaction. With the recent spate of Eric chasing Sookie around and showing vunerability – it is nice to see the colder side of his character coming through again.
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Ask Dr. L: Vampires and Sex

September 1, 2009

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For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

September 1, 2009:

Dear Dr. L:
Your knowledge of vampires and other supernatural beings is so well known that I was hoping that you can answer a question for me.  I know that some supernatural beings have been able to impregnate female humans and I was wondering if, under a certain specific set of circumstances, vampires can procreate with humans as well? I appreciate your time and your expert opinion.
T B Fan

Dear TB fan,

First let me address your name, how, and why, does one become a fan of Tuberculosis? I am sure you know that pulmonary tuberculosis, or TB, is a contagious bacterial infection primarily involving the lungs that is spread through by breathing in moist droplets put into the air by an infected person coughing or sneezing (the medical term for that is: GHAK!)..  Nearly 1 in 10 thousand people in the US has TB at any time.

Humans are interesting creatures and though fandom may take many forms – yours is a first and it’s possible you’re sick in more ways than one.

As for your question of certain specific circumstances surrounding Vampire impregnation, honey – think of it this way. If your man has been shooting blanks for one hundred plus years, what makes you think that any form of medical circumstance could reverse this condition?

Vampires cry blood, not tears – think about that for a minute. There has been some interesting cloning research done recently with bats; interesting in that Chinese sense of the word. Vampires unique metabolism seems very well suited to reproducing themselves through cloning but so far as soon as the cloned vampire bat reaches a certain size it becomes obsessed with destroying the sourced original.   And there is another study utilizing vampirized rats that’s yielding some interesting results implicating the potential for artificially hybridizing the two species but so far the results have not been worth stopping the presses over. Not unlike the recent debacle trying to hybridize potatoes and tomatoes that ended up with a plant with poisonous roots and fruits, so far the mother has been vampirized by the fetuses stopping their advancement at the equivalent of the 3rd trimester.  Mercifully, the whole experiment has ‘met the sun’ as I can’t imagine a much worse situation than to be either an eternal fetus nor suffering an eternal pregnancy. If you still believe that you could get pregnant by a vampire, get your head out of the Twilight saga, focus on the real world and buy some condoms.

I’ve taken the liberty to book you for a complete TB screening and psychology exam stat.

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Doctor L.

Hi Dr.Ludwig, As a single woman, i was always curious what it would be like to be a vampire, and always also wanted to know who supplies their blood to your cause? Eric Northman must’ve paid you in his blood or another vampire’s blood for your payment for Sookie Stackhouse’s recent treatment for her clawed and poisoned system. Also how long have you been a doctor of the supernatural world?

Christine

Dear Creeper Christine,

Although your questions are masked as medical enquiries I can see through that façade of yours. A single woman, interested in how to get her mitts on a few vials of V, always wondering what it would be like to be a Vampire. Honey I ain’t no psychologist but your introduction reads like the profile of an undercover Vampire. How long have I worked as a doctor in the supernatural world? I may be old sweetie but I am not stupid. I understand you are trying to get information out of me about Eric Northman, but I wish to know who’s district you work for. Contact me directly, and stop hiding behind this act.

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Dr. L,

My friend, much to my dismay, is a dyed-in-the-wool ‘Fangbanger’. She’s been trying to set me up with a vampire and I’ve continued to tell her that I’m not interested. I’ve got nothing against the undead but I’m a traditional girl and my main interests are surfers, sun bathing, gardening and beach volleyball although lately I find myself oddly attracted to the stage… Anyway, I was at Merlotte’s the other night, and there he was! This guy is so hot just the sight of him made my toes curl! I tried to ignore him and managed to convince my girlfriend not to call him over by ordering the garlic toast, but it was if I’d been ‘mesmerized’ as David Letterman would say. If I decide to take the plunge, do I need to use any sort of protection? Can they spread disease? Should I continue to try to resist? What’s a girl to do?

Rebecca

Sunnybrook, LA

Rebecca,

If your intentions are pure then I would suggest following your heart. It is full of blood and that is one thing that vampires honestly do love. This is not a dating advice line, this is for serious medical advice only, so I shall get down to business.

As vampiric blood has the ability to cure disease and heal wounds, there would be no disease that you could contract from a vampire other than the affliction of vampirism itself and Hepatitis D which is asymptomatic in humans. The process of changing humans into vampires is not completely understood at this time but during the transformation all human infections are destroyed. Blood is the vehicle of infection but the changes go clear to the bone as well as passing the blood brain barrier causing psychological changes including the desire to feed on humans and oddly, inflating the ego.

Vampire sex is therefore oddly fairly safe unless you consider the possibilities or death.. or undeath.

If you want to stay safe I’d recommend buying a farm and staying far away from Bon Temps and  stay off the stage!  I have a friend named Em who’s got a farm up in Kansas for sale although there are occasional problems with tornadoes and some problem with a calculating scarecrow… Let me know if you’re interested I get a 2% finders fee.

Dr. L

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

To view past Q & A check the Dr. L archives!

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True Blood Season 2: Episode 10 – “ New World in my View”

August 29, 2009

Sookie and Jason return to Bon Temps with Bill in a travel coffin. On arrival they find Bon Temps trashed and upside down. On further exploration they find everyone possessed by (unknown to them) Maryann. At Bills house Hoytt tried to contain Maxine’s possessed actions as Jessica tries to (unsuccessfully) contain her Vampiric rage.On returning home, Sookie finds her house inhabited by Maryann who has taken it upon herself to do a little redecorating. In an attempt to evict Maryann, Bill finds that his usual defense is powerless, but Sookie discovers that she holds an unexpected reaction to Maryann’s violence.

Maryanne: Megatroll from Hades

Maryanne: Megatroll from Hades

Arlene lures Sam out of hiding and to Merlottes where Sam discovers a trap filled will Zombionic townsfolk all hungry for his blood. Andy and Sam take extended refuge in the freezer until they are saved (for a moment) by Jason Stackhouse. Just before Sam is taken to Maryann’s and lost for good, Jason and Andy concoct a plan that although unorthodox, is brilliant beyond words.
Tara while being held safe at Lafayette’s house is visited by Sookie and Bill. After an extended session, Tara is finally freed of Maryanne’s grip. Bill, knowing that he can’t face Maryann alone leaves to find answers from the only person who he knows could stop her, but is he too late

Top 5 of New World in my View

1. Jason Stackhouse’s dramatic scheme to free Sam Merlotte from the Townsfolk. So unconvincing – unless you were zombified by Maryann.

2. Jessica’s struggle to remain composed during Maxine’s outbursts. I think we have all been there!

3. Maryann’s redecorating. Although non traditional, it works in a supernatural Martha Stuart kinda way.

4. Welcome Back Tara!

5. The feeling that these characters have all walked into a B grade Zombie Horror film. It will be interesting to see how the town gets cleared up after.

[Editor’s Prerogative: for my top spots and one demerit below]

  1. Everything Jason.  Can you believe the double entandre of having Jason fake being ‘The God Who Comes’?  And Ryan played it perfectly.  Was I the only one that saw his ears perk up and rotate forward when a new waitress at Merlotte‘s was mentioned?  I think that because she died before he got to score her she might have been the one that got away….
  2. Bill is Back!  Where have you BEEN handsome?  Bill bonding with Jason (finally the father Jason always needed, who trusts him and treats him like a man).  Bill putting himself between Sookie and danger. Bill standing up to Eric. Bill trusting everyone.. Sookie (you fool!), Jason (good call!), Jessica (Oh Boy!)…  Bill and Sookie working together to bring back Tara was just awesome! This is going to be a great thing in the long run.. something they can do together.
  3. Lafayette, as always, best lines of the night.  “If there was ever a time to trust a white man, this is the time.”  You don’t get much whiter than dead… “Just because Jesus and I decided to see other people doesn’t mean we don’t talk from time to time.” LOL!  Is there a name for that finger octopus he did in that chick’s face to back her out?
  4. Dale Raoul played a bang up Maxine Fortenberry.  Yeah I still think Maxine is pathetic but that woman can play one wild, demonic game of Wii!

Even though I loved the episode there are only four favorite scenes tonight because it was just too damn SHORT!  Seriously, I doubt they ran out of material so what’s the deal?  And then we’re bombarded with advertisements? Isn’t the reason that we pay for HBO because we don’t get a lot of ads?  I understand that times are tough and that True Blood is attracting huge viewer numbers and it’s tempting to try to put it next to your WHOLE line up but 42 minutes?  Really? One demerit, see the nun in the corner for your time out.

Please put your top choices in the comment section WAY down at the bottom of the page!
(Photo credit: HBO)

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Ask Dr. L — Dietary Advice for Vampires and Others

August 24, 2009

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For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

August 24, 2009:

Dear Dr. L

My Husband and I suggested having our neighbors over for dinner, but as they are slightly obese we were wondering if there would be any issues with trans fats in the blood? We are trying to get in shape as we are planning a trip to Hawaii and want to look our best when moon bathing.

Cal Orey

Dear Mrs Orey,

First let me ask you a few questions (and as you are unable to respond let me also answer them for you).

Sometimes years of wisdom doesn’t really amount to much in the Vampire world. Why are you going to Hawaii? Maybe it is because you are not that bright. Did you ever consider the amount of Volcanic activity happening on the islands? Fire and Vampires just don’t mix.

Secondly, have you forgotten the fact that you are immortally embodied in the form at which you were turned? Calories and trans fats do not factor into your diet (unless they are the legendary ‘Transylvanian fats’ but that’s a whole other story!), this is something that should only concern what the youth today call “Fang Bangers”. If you are a “Fang Banger” i cannot offer you my respect but I can offer you the following dietary advice.

The total estimated caloric content of 500 ml of blood is 280 (from Red Blood Cells) + 61.4 (from plasma) for a total of 341.4 kcal. Vampire blood contains three times the normal caloric content due to concentration.  However, if you were to consume 500 ml of vampire blood you’d have bigger problems than weight gain because you’d be out of your freakin’ mind!  If your neighbors are just out of shape humans and if you were also consuming other foods during the day I would consider forgoing half a normal meal as humans need to consume less calories than they burn in order to lose weight.  Being a Fang Banger requires walking a thin line because while you want to look good and keep in shape in case your Fangtasy Lover decides to turn you, you also can’t afford to become too thin or it would be too easy for your long-in-the-tooth friend to accidentally drain you or find that you leave them ‘wanting more’ and decide to go shopping at some other blood bags throat!

Now go to Hawaii and stop wasting my time.

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Dear Dr. L

I have started a relationship with a vampire and wondered why, when I drink their blood, I don’t get the same effect I did when I took V. I mean I have no hallucinations, no distorted reality, in fact I do nothing except feel great, like healthy great and my hair is shiny. Is there any reason I can’t “get high”?

V Junque

Miss Junque

First of all, people like you make me sick. V should only be used medicinally and under a doctors care!

Blood when taken from a vampire is still active, it’s an undead product. Leave it to sit for a while and the majority of the water component and any volatile acids and sulfides evaporate leaving a more concentrated blood product. The side effects of hallucination one gets when ingesting V occurs due to the bodies need to re-hydrate the blood and integrate the blood product into the system. Any live (or infected) cells left in this dehydrated blood rush fast around the system in an attempt to absorb as much water as possible. This produces an effect similar to an extreme caffeine buzz. Hallucinations take place when the cells rush to the brain causing the dysfunction of the neurotransmitters, glutamate and dopamine, due to integration into the human system.

Did you think by dating a vampire you would have your own V on tap? For your sake, I hope he never finds out, leave vampires alone and go get your yum-yums elsewhere you Junkie.

Disdainfully yours,
Dr. L

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section way way way down below (bottom of screen) and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

To view past Q & A check the Dr. L archives!

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True Blood Season 2: Episode 9 – “I Will Rise Up”

August 18, 2009

Hoytt: New Honey of VampiresAfter a suicide bomber obliterates the Vampire party, Eric takes advantage of Sookie’s kindness and sucks her into his web of deception. After Sookie swallows some of Eric’s blood, she starts to see him in a new, sexier light. In a dreamscape, Eric shows that he does have a softer side.

Sookie and Jason reflect on the past, covering old wounds that seem finally able to heal. Jason admits that he still has not dealt with their grandmothers death and after realizing that the siblings are the only surviving members of the Stackhouse family, resolves to do things right from here on in.

Lafayette and Lettie Mae storm Sookie’s house in an attempt to save Tara from Maryann’s influence. The move was spawned from an earlier visit to Merlotte’s where Lafayette attributes his cousins facial bruises to Egg’s hand. Tara is carted away from Sookies house while putting up possessed resistance

Hoyt introduces his mother to Jessica in a dinner meeting that ends up in bloodied tears due to the harsh words of Maxine. Bon Temps jail is filled to capacity with people who have been picked up due to misdemeanors and upon learning that Sam has flown the coop Maryann lets every last reprimanded person free.

In Dallas, Eric and Godric deal with the PR backlash of the bombing and recent events with Nan Flanagan. Godric chooses to take the fall and step down as Sheriff, and decides to meet the sun as Sookie stays by his side as a favor to Eric.

Top 5 of I Will Rise Up

  1. NO ORGY SCENES! Thank GOD! NUMBER ONE REASON THIS EP ROCKED.
  2. Eric in Sookie’s dream state, there seemed to be a little bit of chemistry between those two characters. As Bill fades into a shadow of what he used to be in season one, maybe this would spice things up.
  3. Bill explaining that since Sookie has some of Eric’s blood in her, then she would experience a sexual attraction to him. Is this why she is attracted to Bill?
  4. Godric‘s parting scene. Some amazing dynamics between Godric and Eric helped make the whole scene work well. Each episode we are shown some top dramatic performances.
  5. Tara being taken from Sookie‘s house. This makes me interested in finding out what is going to happen when Sookie returns to her house being taken over by Maryann. I would say that due to us having three more episodes to go- this leaves room for it to get U.G.L.Y.

Make sure you tell us your top 5’s in the feedback below!

[Editor’s Note: Or.. if you’re the editor you get to sneak them in here!]

  1. NO ORGY SCENES! Thank GODRIC! NUMBER ONE REASON THIS EP ROCKED. WORD DUDE!
  2. No Maso/Sadi/Anarchy Sex at all.  I don’t mean to sound like a prude but man that was such an awful scene between Tara and Eggs last week!
  3. Hoyt tellin’ his mama off.  He’s a grown assed man, Maxine! It was a long.. time comin’.. someone cue Sam Cooke!  The casting department of this show just rocks, every time attention turns to someone who was a minor character last season they rise to the occasion.  Jim Parrack is rockin my world this season.  Warm, sensitive and strong. (Do I need to even say how much I love Jessica???)
  4. Lafayette and Lettie Mae staging an intervention.  You go, girlfriends!  I swear Lafayette has more courage than can fit into one human body, even one as sexy as his.  He KNOWS true horror but he still ‘mans up’ every single time (and I use that phrase “mans up” in a totally omnisexual sense.)
  5. Everything Eric this episode, Alexander did a superb job. He looked like he was faking when he was supposed to without looking campy, he looked sexy in bed (even if he is too darn tall 😉 ), he looked like his heart was ripped out when Godric went to meet the sun.   I’m sure the Eric/Sookie Shippers are happy.  Although I didn’t have the same take as Dan, I thought that Sookie imagined Eric having a softer side not that he actually DOES have one.  Although it’s not technically one scene, kudos to Mr. Skarsgard.

Special all time favorite top five scene: Godric meeting the sun.  It was simple, it was elegant, it was horrible and beautiful and somehow just perfect.  I loved Godric but it was the right decision to let him meet the sun.  How long could such pathos go on without wearing thin?  Kudos to the FX guys, the lighting department, the camera men, the location scouts, the film editors, the writers, the director, the casting department, the actors and most of all Alan Ball for making the right call.  It’s right up there second only to the pie scene for tear jerker and 3rd favorite overall (Sookie‘s run through the cemetery to Bill is my all time favorite scene!).

Scene that peeved me this week:  Each week there seems to be one scene that gets under my skin.  Sometimes, it’s unnecessary explicitness, sometimes it’s a small plot hole, this week it was Sookie sucking the silver, and blood, out of Eric‘s chest.  I understand they needed a plot device to connect Sookie to Eric to test the bond between Sookie and Bill.  The problem I have is that I HATE it when women are written as dumb as an ox, sister to Jason or not, blond or not. Seriously, not only should you be suspicious that Eric is faking when Bill walks away and leaves him there, and when Godric isn’t hovering over him to be sure he’s OK, but was anyone else sucking the silver out of other vampires anywhere in the room?  Many of them had their humans there.. yet you’re the only one SUCKING the silver out?  Why wouldn’t you just dig it out with your finger?  I mean, come on..!  Has that ‘a snake bit my penis and I’m going to die if you don’t suck the poison out’ line ever worked in the history of humans, of primates? Not EVEN if you see the dead snake laying in the room.

And the worst part is, it wasn’t necessary to make Sookie this incredibly stupid.  She could have quite simply gotten some of his blood in her mouth as he protected her from flying silver during the explosion.  Or maybe have Eric even ‘wipe her mouth’ while she’s still stunned with a bloody hand if you want him to be a devious rat.  It makes it very hard for me to care what happens to Sookie when she’s this stupid.  Just like I have found it hard to care what happens to Jason half the time.

Despite that rant, I have to say this was my second favorite episode this season for all the other reasons listed.  I dreaded the episode ending and it went for too fast and was too darn short!  And now I’m torn between, “Is it Sunday yet?” and OMGodric it’s almost the end of the season!

I now return control of the horizontal and the vertical, sorry for the rant.  Awaiting your comments below!

(Photo credit: HBO)

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True Blood Season 2: Episode 8 – “Timebomb”

August 14, 2009

bill-compton-sookie-stackhouse-season-2Sookie after being saved by Godric is surprised when Eric turns up in place of Bill, who is still restrained by Lorena.On Eric’s arrival, Godric requests that Eric save Sookie without harming a human. The Fellowship of the Sun goes into complete lock down as women and children are escorted from the chapel. With some amusing acting on Eric’s part, he tries to convince a small number of Fellowship members that he too is a meek member of their group and has been asked to guard the door. Unfortunately he is not as successful as he hoped.

Sam receives a phone call from Merlotte’s only to find lying in the fridge the heartless, two timing Daphne (who’s expiration date ran out just hours before). Seconds later the sheriffs turn up after receiving an anonymous tip off and arrest Sam on suspicion of murder. Andy’s eye witness account of Sam’s innocence is extremely unhelpful.

Jessica and Hoyt share their romantic first time only to be interrupted by Bill who sends them home. Jessica overly embarrassed that she was just caught losing her virginity soon finds out that as Vampires heal – she will have many more opportunities to lose her virginity.

In an (not so) unpredictable twist of events, Maryann influences Tara and Eggs to procreate on the floor of the lounge room after eating her Hunters Soufflé. Maryann looks on satisfied that she has made people fornicate yet again – one would think that she would be tired of sex by now, as most of the viewers are.

At the Vampire Cocktail party, Jason pays his respect to Godric and on confrontation with Eric is cleared of all his misdemeanors. Bill says goodbye to Lorena for good after she is put in her place by Godric. All seems to be going well, until a mysterious stranger turns up to crash the party.
Top 5 of Timebomb

  1. Godric’s man crush he seems to have for Jason Stackhouse. Things could get interesting there, or ugly pretty quick.
  2. Lorena being beaten repeatedly over the head with a flat screen TV. Something that a lot of viewers had been waiting to occur for a while.
  3. Jason waking up to reality – welcome back Mr. Stackhouse, just less man whoring please.
  4. Any scene with Jessica and Hoytt. They have been stealing the show lately.
  5. Godric displaying his interesting values on human Vampire co-inhabitance. It is interesting to see a vampire of such age growing into a level headed and reasonable creature, when typically in novels such as Anne Rice’s Vampire chronicles – the older the Vampire the more predator and primitive.

[Editor’s Notes: sticking my two cents in here as usual]

  1. Sookie and Lorena catfight.  While not the smartest thing Sookie has ever done it’s about darn time she fought for Bill instead of always expecting him to apologize for having a life before meeting her.
  2. Jason hugging BillJason has been seeking a father figure throughout the show, first Eddie, then Rev. Steve Newlin and now Bill.  It’s rather hysterical that Bill has replaced his ‘lost’ children in such a bizzaro world way.  He missed all the sweetness of young children and went right to the terrible teens!
  3. Eric and Jason discussing his past activities.. Ryan plays Jason so wide open it’s incredible.  Of course, one wonders if Eric isn’t also caching points in his pursuit of Sookie.
  4. Eric playing the dumb hick human.. OMG.. I almost peed my pants (am I allowed to say that here?)
  5. Jessica and Hoyt.  Thank all the gods of TV land (Alan Ball) for these two or this season would be too intense to watch.  Although I feel so terrible for Jessica.. [Deborah Ann Woll and Jim Parack are truly remarkable!] Really, isn’t this a case for Dr. Ludwig???

Most YUCK scene:  Tara and Eggs eating Daphne‘s heart then becoming viscoius, nasty, snasty, sado and masochistic… In general just way too much crotch kicking in this episode and there’s something about seeing Tara struck that made me really sad.

Small Talk Scene to watch: Jason hitting on that vampire girl.. he just can’t help himself!
Be sure to share your favorite quotes and moments in the comments below!

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True Blood Season 2: Episode 7 – “Release Me”

August 5, 2009

HugoAfter being led into the woods by Daphne, Sam finds himself in the middle of Maryann’s bacchanalian orgy. This time Maryann has another agenda, to remove Sam from the equation that is Bon Temps. Andy Belfleur also stumbles onto the grotesque party and shoots a bullet into the ground, disturbing the party as Maryann runs off to pursue Sam. At the end of the pursuit – Sam transmogrifies into an Owl in grand 80s Labyrinthine fashion.

Still imprisoned with Hugo, Sookie uses her telepathy to send an SOS to Barry the Bellhop. As Hugo’s claustrophobia grows, he becomes more agitated causing Sookie to attempt consoling him. By making contact with Hugo’s arm, Sookie learns that Hugo is the snitch that has been informing the Fellowship of the Sun of her movements.

Bill is detained by Lorena while Sookie is in dire need of help. It is revealed in flash back, that Lorena had released Bill from their relationship in the ‘30s. Lorena confides in Bill that it is not her who wants to keep him away from Sookie, after the two spend the sunlight hours attempting to outlast each other during their hours of regeneration.

After a romp in the Fellowship of the Sun’s cathedral with Sarah, Jason attempts to leave but is stopped when Steve forces him into the van with intention of sending him to hell “Today”. Jason learns that the hostility is not in reference to the affair with Sarah, but has something to do with his sister.

Steve’s lackey Gabe returns to the church basement to take his frustration out on Hugo after being beaten up by Jason Stackhouse. Sookie’s situation seems grim until a force enters the room throwing Gabe around like a rag doll. From her position on the floor Sookie looks up to catch sight of a young male Vampire as she asks “Godric?”

Top 5 of “Release Me

  1. Hoytt and Jessica deserve first place this week with their confessions of virginity and their sweet vulnerability. Jessica has proven that it may not take that long for a Vampire to remember their human nature. The scenes of Jessica and Hoytt highlight the fantastic job that the casting directors have done with the show.
  2. Jessica waking up to Hoytt decorating their hotel room with blood scented candles and her classic line of “Take off your pants”.
  3. The arrival of Godric in the right moment. His appearance may have only been brief but it was one of the most powerful character introductions of the season. Not bad for 3 seconds of screen time.
  4. Sam flipping out and carrying a gun everywhere. This is one man who has been disturbed one too many times and is on edge, and I am hoping he takes Maryann out soon as this writer is getting a little tired of her parties and attitude. Michelle Forbes does an amazing job at playing Maryann, she hits the nail on the head and should be applauded for playing such an abhorred character as well as she does.
  5. The intensely high production values of this True Blood episode, we were shown some amazing lighting, costumes and drama. The whole episode stood out from some of the past episodes, and as always ended well before we were ready to say goodbye for another week.

Share your top 5 and thoughts for this weeks episode in the comments below!

[Editor’s Note: Editing has it’s privilages.. I don’t have to wait for the comments!]

My top five scenes:

  1. Arlene explaining to Tara that she thinks she ‘date raped’ Terry.  Both funny and poignant … very True Blood.
  2. The flashback to Bill breaking free of Lorena in the ’20’s.  There’s the Bill that gives me chills of the good kind! Welcome Back, Compton!
  3. Jason kicking that L.O.D.I. S.O.B. in the B.A.L.L.S.
  4. Hoyt and Jessica.. really say it with me y’all… AAAwwwwww!!!
  5. Last but certainly not least, Andy saving Sam, totally by accident and nearly shooting himself in the foot.

Favorite Line: Jessica to Hoyt after he admits that he’s never done it with a human. “What have you done it with then?” in that innocent voice and with those big eyes!

Sookiest moment: Instead of lambing it out of there and slaming that door on the two Bucketheads fighting in the cell Sookie picks a side and volunteers to get slammed around the slammer for a while.

Most WTF moment: Vampires don’t sleep for one night and they start ‘bleeding’?  Really?  Wow, guess that’s what happens when you can no longer grab a cuppa joe to keep you going!  Betcha vampire students never pull ‘all dayers’ to study eh?

In the ‘those we love to hate’ department.. I am really going to miss Maryann if we manage to free Bon Temps from her grip… OTOH I won’t miss the L.O.D.I. folks and I fear we’ll never get rid of them…

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Season 2: Episode 6 – “Hard-Hearted Hannah”

July 30, 2009

gw366h244In Dallas Isabel’s human boyfriend Hugo offers to accompany Sookie on her mission to locate Godric at the Light of Day institute. They leave for the church under the guise as a good Christian couple looking for a new church. On reading the minds of Sarah and Steve Newman Sookie discovers that their cover is blown and Steve has more sinister plans for the two.

At the Light of Day camp, Jason Stackhouse decides to live a life of righteous celibacy then has those plans hijacked after a matter of hours. Jason provides another beautiful example of how easily impressionable young men can be – especially where sex is involved.

Eric brings Bill’s maker Lorena to the Vampire hotel in an attempt to drive a wedge between Sookie and Bill. We are treated with an extended flash back to the 1920s showing how violent, passionate killing used to be Bill’s forte. Lorena prevents Bill from coming to Sookie’s rescue resulting in Sookies imprisonment in the basement of the Light of Day institute.

Daphne continues to court Sam with sickening innuendo, and ends in the ultimate double cross in the whole season so far. Tara and Eggs head out to get parts for the hot water system only to detour onto something disturbing. And for something completely different – Maryanne throws another orgy of Dianic proportions, the shock value is (not at all) high. The town folk fornicate as Maryanne dances her Shake-n-Bake routine and to mix things up a bit – this time she puts on a mask.

Top 5 of “Hard-Hearted Hannah”

1. Hoyt’s courtship of Jessica. Their innocent awkward interaction is too cute beyond words.

2. Eric’s growing interest in Sookie – lets face it, after that hair cut he may just trump Bill in looks department.

3. Jason Stackhouse’s cringe-worthy attempt at song writing.

4. Sookie, Hugo, Steve and the body guard trapped in the basement with Godric. What has happened? Will Jason help them? So many exciting conclusions to wait for.

5. Love a good 1920s speak easy, “Maybe after your guests leave we can F*** prohibition together.” And in a way, they did.

Editor’s 2 cents:

  1. We agree on Jessica and Hoyt.  They are just totally sweet.
  2. The scene in the kitchen with the hot water heater broken.  Maryann can’t hide her hedonism, Eggs was being over-easy again in that outfit and did Tara actually apologize for being snarky???
  3. Anything Sam.  Seriously he keeps forcing me to forget he’s cute and notice he’s talented.  Great job Sam o’ the Sam.
  4. The Andy, Terry, Lafayette triage in the kitchen.  I’m just not sure if I was supposed to be laughing so hard at the ‘hallucination’ but I was loving the Terry-care.  Hug Lafayette once for me!
  5. “Do Bad Things With You” intro.  Seriously, Every week I enjoy the heck out of this sequence and find it impossible to sit still!

Favorite Line: Lafayette to Pam, “Are you real?”

Favorite boy or girl friend: Hoyt Hoyt Hoyt!  He provided the only ‘feelgood’ moment of the show.

Biggest Sneak Appearance: Who noticed Nathan Barr playing the piano at the start of the roaring 20’s scene?

Least Favorite Scene:  I swear I’m not a prude but the orgy scene had me saying, ‘More is NOT always Better’.  I could have done with a lot less detail.  In fact, I felt like this episode didn’t give me any breathing room at all.

Biggest Surprise:  Was that Stephen singing???

Be sure to share your favorite top 5 in the comments below.

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