The Tattler asked me to write up all the bat shit crazy stuff I run into in a day in Bon Temps so here it is. Maybe it will teach a few folks a lesson about how important the police department is and that when you go around runnin’ nekid through the swamps the whole town’s gonna know about it! And remember, it’s Detective Bellefleur not Andy!
Police Blotter # 141
9am: Jane Bodehouse called to say her dog had locked her out of her running car, how in Gods name one allows that to happen is beyond me. I may have to speak to Sam Merlotte about his responsibility as a business owner and that his ABC license could be revoked at any time.
9:15am: Damn Bud radios in to say good morning, I know he’s checking up on me to see if I’m up and about, I wasn’t born yesterday BUD!!!!
9:30am: Driving this damn patrol car and I still smell Gas, cheap town is gonna poison my ass being too cheap to fix things.
10am: Swung by Dunkin Doughnuts for a cup of coffee and some jelly donuts, someone had already bought all the damn jelly ones, I had to settle for the gross damn apple crumb ones. I can tell this is going to be a real shitty day. Noticed that Lafayette was drinking a Latte and shoving a jelly one in his yap. I swear he times this shit.
10:14am: Leaving Dunkin Doughnuts the dispatcher calls, someone had appeared to have broken into the SPCA. All the cats are missing and nothing else, this is gonna be fun.
10:20am: Arriving at the SPCA I see that no damage is done, but I’ll be damned if all the cats weren’t missing. Who the hell would want all these damn cats? The ladies talked my ass off and then proceeded to tell me about their life stories and then asked if I had any recipes for Apple pies. Lord help me. And told the ladies, again!!! I am not interested in adopting any dogs and especially that damn cockapoo!!!
10:40am: Went by the Grabbit Kwik to get some Gatorade but had to deal with some damn kids pushing each other in shopping carts running into walls and side of cars. Damn kids have no respect today for authority, after getting the damn drink which wasn’t very cold, I found the damn kids had stuck bubble gum onto my windshield!!! I’m gonna shoot one of them one of these days!!!
12 noon: Lunch time, Merlotte’s again and got the same damn thing, Cheeseburger and Fries and Sweet Tea. Again the stuff was greasy as hell but good, the tea helps settle my stomach. Gets a call from Bud, Kenya and I are to go direct traffic for a funeral procession, SHIT!!!!
1:25pm: Damn it was hot as Hell and that Kenya has an attitude!! Can’t say shit without it being an insult about her gender!!! It was hot as shit and damn it I’m sweating like a pig!!!
3pm: Arlene reported a suspicious male walking door-to-door in the neighborhood, asking people if he could see their gas and electric bills. I’d figure she’d be happy being that she’s always lookin for the wrong type of man. It even turned out to be a mental patient that escaped from the local hospital. I’m loving this town more and more everyday!!!
5pm: A woman reported a bully scaring her kids, it turned out to be Arlene Fowler’s boy Kody pretending to be a Vampire, Sheriff Eric Northman to be exact. Kody claimed he could fly. Arlene has been advised to tame her kid and keep him grounded….literally. I don’t think I’ll eat at Merlotte’s for a few days.
5:25pm: Drove by Terry Bellefleur’s house, I call it his Compound, he was decked out in his camouflage cleaning his rifle. I just shook my head and kept driving! Some things are just better left alone.
6:15pm: Sure enough fifteen minutes left before I get to go home Maxine Fortenberry calls in to put in a missing person report AGAIN for Hoyt. How the hell did she get my cell number? She is crying because he has been off work for 45 mins and has not reported home as of yet. She is concerned it is after sunset and he has been abducted by Vampires, she said he’s been very disrespectful ever since he *got* with that Red haired one that stayed at the Compton house with Vampire Bill. I had to once again remind her that in order to file a missing persons report one has to be missing for a minimum of 24hrs, she said she will take it up with my superiors. Good luck Sheriff Bud Dearborne!!! I’m goin home!!!!
Header Design: Kasandra Rose
This po-lice blotter is presented as parody of Alan Ball’s HBO original series True Blood and there is no connection to any bat shit crazy thing anyone has done, real or imagined, living or dead. If you want to report some dumb ass thing you saw in town that I gotta go look into just leave a comment below. If you wanna confess you can leave a comment too. If you wanna complain, don’t bother puttin in your 2 cents you’re probably guilty as sin. And if you wanna leave me a coupon for your eatery or the car wash just put the details in the comments section too. Yeah, it’s not anonymous, just suck it up!
