Ask Dr.L — Check Under Your Bed!

March 21, 2011 by  

Ask Dr. L is a True Blood parody on Dr. Ludwig

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

March 21, 2011


Hi Dr. L,

My mommy says there aren’t any mosters that live under the bed or in the closets but she also said there were no vampires and now you see them all over the news! I figure you’ll tell me the truth. So.. is there a monster under there?


Dear Little Tyke,

You did, indeed, come to the right place for truth. Because if I don’t know the truth, I can, and will make it up.
Honey, not only are there vampires out there, but there are also werewolves, shapeshifters, witches and faeries who are not exactly Tinkerbelle. The last thing I would worry about, if I were you, is the monster who lives under your bed.  You’re what, 7 or 8? And you can’t be very large, so you must have a small bed. He can’t be all that big to slip in and out from under your bed every night. So don’t give him another thought. Now, nighty night- and sweet dreams!


Hey Toots,

Was wonderin’ howsya feel about datin’ a werewolf from Jersey? I gots style and even one o dem fancy horns what plays different tunes so’s when I picks ya up I can honk out da theme ta “Love Story.” So what’s ya say? My moms always wanted me ta date a doctor.

Fuzzy Dice

Dear Dicey,

Excuse me, while I go take a shower, to wash away the slimy residue that crept over me as I read this letter from you. Euuuuwwwwww! Tell Mom you will have to go elsewhere to look for your dream doctor. I rarely date werewolves- and NEVER anyone from Jersey! (especially one with fuzzy dice). Try Dr. Ruth…



I was curious if you know anything about that new astrological sign? I used to date a Scorpio and it wasn’t a very good match. We fought all the time. But now, he’s under that new sign Ophiuchus and I was wondering if I should give him another shot. He definitely had his advantages.. if you know what I mean!

Sign me,


Dear O-Curious,

You see, even though I am a woman of science and medicine myself, I sometimes think these guys with their big telescopes and such get a little bit bored, and just look for stuff to mess with us about. I mean, come on- after all these millions of years, they suddenly find a “new” horoscope sign? Personally, I think they were a bunch of geeky guys at a planetarium, smoking a little something, thinking if they came up with something cool like changing the whole astrological system, that would turn them into chick magnet. I mean, look at the name- seems it could be pronounced, O-F*#k us, doesn’t it?
And I’m with you on the Scorpio guys. They have a lot of stamina, but they are moody creatures. Don’t take a chance.

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.