All posts by Cory Brin

Dr. L, Fangtasy

Ask Dr. L — Tis the Season

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For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

December 20, 2010

Dear Dr. L,
My dear husband and I are normal, elderly folks. We don’t smoke, drink (well … maybe a little now and then) or smoke wackyweed. We are law abiding, upstanding citizens.
Unfortunately, about 3 years ago we happened to have HBO and saw a show on a Sunday night that we thought we might like. As a matter of fact, we REALLY like the show. I mean, We REALLY really like the show!
The show is named True Blood. Have you ever heard of it? It has a pretty little telepath, a couple or 3 knockout vampires, some hot werewolves and awesome shapeshifters.
Now our problem is this. The show only lasts about 4 months at the time. And … we have become … adicted. Adicted to the show and the cast and the writers and the crew and the websites and the – well you get the picture.
PLEASE! Dr. L. Can you help us?
Yours truly,
Grannie for 7

Dear G7,
(sounds rather like a disease…or one of those useless political summits),
I lead a very full, busy life, and have very little time for frivolous things like TV shows- and little patience for those who become addicted to them. BUT, in this case, you may not realize that our little town, Bon Temps, is not just a work of fiction. Having treated Miss Sookie Stackhouse myself, I can tell you she is very real, as is her vampire boyfriend and that awful sheriff vampire, Eric. (One of these days, he and I will have a showdown…).
Anyhow, I hear often that people are in despair that the show revolving around our town is only on four months. Please, think of those of us being followed by those TV people, cameras, etc. We need a break, my friend!
As for your addiction, I do treat people in my office who are addicted to those slimy vampires. So please, call my office and set up an appointment. I take cash, check and most major credit cards. I’ll have you and Gramps vampire free in, oh about 15 or 20 visits. (ka ching…)

Hi Dr. L,
I’m currently dating a vampire, who has promised me he would stick “true” to only drinking “True Blood.” He knows that I’m very finicky when it comes to my own blood and he has pledged to never drink my blood without my permission. I also am a very pure girl who wants to wait until the perfect moment before…giving…myself to him. Therefore, ruling those two things out, and given the time of year….do you have any thoughts on what I can get my vampire-beaux for Christmas? I don’t really know what else they need or want…

-Secret Santa

Dear Secret,
Reading your letter makes me realize people must really fall off of turnip trucks. Either that, or there is an outbreak of stupid going around. Methinks it might be the latter…
First of all, who believes any promises from lying vampires? To believe he will stick to True Blood, well, that’s like asking pigs to stay out of mud. Ain’t gonna happen. Not to ruin your fantasy, or anything,Pollyanna, but there are plenty of Fangbangers out there ready and willing to stick their necks out (among other things) to quench your vampire boy’s lust.
So, my True advice for you is, give him a nice silver neck chain for Christmas…

Greetings Dr. L,
I’m a HR rep for my corporation. One of our crews has a night shift, and since we are an Equal Opportunity Employer, we hired a vampire who seems more than qualified to complete the job set required of him. However, he has recently inquired about health benefits and I was unsure of how to respond, considering that they are technically dead. I was wondering if perhaps you knew of any other organizations that have run into this problem and if there is any sort of literature on the subject.
Thank you!

HR Holly

Dear HRH,
This is an excellent question, and I am glad you brought it to me. Though it does seem highly unlikely a dead creature would need any medical attention, they actually DO now and then. This also applies to the shifters, weres, faeries, and otherworldly beings.
The most important question you need to ask is, WHO will treat these beings in their times of need? Again, I am glad you asked. Well, OK, so I asked, but nevertheless…let me reassure you that I, Dr. Ludwig, am the gold standard in treating any and all of the above mentioned folks, so I would be delighted to be contracted to your company as their healthcare provider. My fees may be just a teeny, tiny bit higher…OK, so they are a LOT higher, but who else is going to risk treating something that could wipe them out with one bite? But I am not afraid of any vampire- or other creature of the night- or day. Call me.

Dr. L — I need your help! I’m a teenager and well…I recently turned into a cat. I mean,obviously I’m back as a human, but I’m really hoping that the explanation was that I’m a shifter. My parents never mentioned anything…so I don’t know. But that’s not the point. I told my boyfriend and he was a little freaked out, but he told me that despite this new development he never wants me to “change.” Well I can’t help but change…it’s what I do!!! Is there anyway I can save my love life?

-Sadface Shifter

Dear Miss Kitty,
First off, I think your boyfriend is lacking in imagination. I know I have dressed up as a cat in my little love play scenarios, and it has been wildly popular. But we won’t go there…
There are some rather intricate, involved treatments one can undergo- at my clinic of course (I take cash, check and major credit cards) to stop or at least lessen the frequency of shifting events. If you are interested, give my office a call.
But personally, I would just go with it. Cats see more action than most humans (well, excluding moi, of course..). Where do you think the term “catting around” came from? And you can easily climb trees, feel the wind in your whiskers as you run free, eat all the sushi you want- I say, have kitty litter will travel!

Hey,
I’m a Werewolf and for obvious reasons I live out in the country to try to stay away from people in case I can’t control my changing. There are a couple of farms out there. There are also some REAL wolves that are attacking live stock and I swear I have nothing to do with it. But the local farmers are ready to beat down my door like I’m Frankenstein’s monster. Any ideas on how I can clear my name?

Weary Were

Dear Weary Were,
I have heard this same story many times. Of course, the wild wolves are only trying to survive. Yet, those farmers, usually rednecks, are ready to shoot the ass off of a poor wolf for trying to feed her family (yes, it is usually the female who does the hunting and feeding- lazy males!). Personally, I wouldn’t mind seeing some of these trigger happy farmers put out into the wild to fend for themselves, naked, no food or water, no guns (except if I had to see them naked, I’d probably wish I’d put Drano in my eyes instead) and let the wolves chase them around for a few days.
But none of this answers your query. I suggest you move on over to my area- like near Bon Temps. The area is thick with your kind- you’ll fit right in.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Dr. L, Fangtasy

Ask Dr. L — All in the Family

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For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

September 20, 2010

So Dr. L,

I’m kinda confused by the whole “making” a vampire thing or what did they call them, “prodginey?”  Eric even said, “the only vampire you can trust is the one you made.”   Is it vampire law or just the way vampires work that they can only make one vampire?  Like can Bill make another vampires now that he has Jessica?  If Jessica were to die can he make another?  Franklin also mentioned making Tara his bride, is the bride the same as a child?  Lots of weird relationships going on when it comes to the fangs.

-Genalogical Gary

Dear GG,

First of all, did you mean “progeny“? Because for the life of me, I can’t figure out what a “prodginey” is… Sheesh!
OK, now that we’ve had a spelling lesson, let me address your question. I personally feel this idea of vampires only being able to make one evil spawn of themselves is just to lull humans into feeling safer than they really are. In fact, I can see no reason that these foul creatures could not turn as many people as they had the opportunity to. I think they just don’t do it very often, because the unlucky folks they bite are just a food source to them, so they suck them dry and let them die. Ooooohhhh! I made a rhyme!
I am happy you brought up dear Tara. Such a beautiful girl, and a veritable punching bag for weird male partners! Poor girl. I wish she’d come see me for some much needed counseling, and perhaps a little of my Kung Fu training as well. Tara dear, if you’re reading this, call me.
Oh, and no, a bride is not the same as a child- unless she is a child bride- and that cracks open doors I have no intention of going through…

Hey Dr. L,

Okay so seeing Tommy changing into a dog for dog fighting, although awful, really got me thinking:  What other types of things do shifters do to be profitable?  Like is everything we see at a zoo a shift?  Do shifters run Sea World and are the dolphins really shifters and that’s why they can do all those cool tricks?  The circus lions?  Shifters too?  I mean if not, you and I should cash in on this and work with all the shifters in the land.  Can you imagine the success?

-Seeing Dollar Signs

Dear Dollar Sign,

I wonder just what you smoked or ingested before you asked me a question such as this. Did you get your hands on some illegal “V“? First of all, there isn’t a snowball’s chance in Tahiti that “you and I” will ever cash in on anything together.
As for real animals vs shifters, the less you and the rest of humanity know, the better. I fear these creatures are exploited enough, without the likes of Seeing Dollar Signs getting involved. The nerve!!  Get a job- I hear McD’s is hiring…

Dr. Ludwig,

Do you know whether or not the military accepts supernaturals into their ranks? I know that the supernaturals have skills and abilities that I’m sure can make the military an effective fighting force. But, I also know that some of the supernaturals can be rather unstable. Do you know the official stance?
Thank you ma’am,

Recruit Valesquez

Hello, young Recruit,

This is quite an interesting query. As you may know, I am involved in many highly sensitive government projects, including the military. So I am not at liberty to fully answer your question. But I will say this much, our military deserves our respect, our support, our highest regard, and super top quality rations, such as Kibbles N Bits and raw meat…

Whas’up D to the R to the L,

So my question goes a little something like this: What do the vampers do for Halloween? Like to me, it would seem like a little cliché for them to be outs and abouts. They are like Halloween all year round, wouldn’t it be a bit much for them to be all like Gothic on the one day a year its social acceptable and all that jazz? It’d be like putting chocolate syrup on a chocolate ice cream. Too much of a good thing yo. Maybe vampers dress up like normal humans? That would High-Lair-E-Us.

-Steve

Steve,

I’d like to offer you a courtesy consult with me to do a CAT scan to determine whether you actually have two brain cells to rub together. Trust me when I tell you, this is an offer not to be declined, as it would cost thousands of dollars. The trade off would be that I have total use of the results to use in my teaching, as proof that humans CAN live without a brain…
As for vampires and Halloween, that is pretty much any and every day for them, what with the blood running out of their eyes, no breath, no heartbeat, ice cold skin, and so on. So yes, their trying to pass themselves off as “normal” humans would be a real scream.
But what is wrong with chocolate syrup on chocolate ice cream?

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Alexander Skarsgard, Eric Northman, Kristin Bauer van Straten, News, Pamela Swynford De Beaufort

True Blood’s Kristin Bauer van Straten Bares Fangs for Alexander Skarsgard

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Eric Northman and Pam Ravenscroft: TrueBloodNet.comEric Northman is arguably one of the hottest vampires in today’s media.  Whether you are a fan of the character, or the guy who plays him, there is little not to like about the Viking vampire.  But with the exploding popularity of HBO‘s True Blood, more and more attention has been drawn toward Alexander Skarsgard.  Rumors, pictures, and headlines can always be seen regarding Skarsgard and his non-True Blood exploits.

Kristin Bauer van Straten, who plays Eric’s vampire prodigy “Pam,” doesn’t like to tease Skarsgard for all of his media attention, citing that he is “such a sweet guy.”  This is probably a smart move on Bauer’s part as she is the one who works most closely with him, when he delves deep into the dark, mysterious, and powerful Eric Northman.

The character of Pam looks up to Eric more as a parental figure and therefore we most likely will never see a steamy scene between the two characters.  Likewise, all things indicate that Pam would prefer the ladies anyhow.  But recently, E!Online asked Bauer if she is disappointed that she never gets to have a romantic scene with her Viking counter-part:

“Not since I’m married.  Before I was married I was a little more disappointed.”

However, we wonder how Eric would be able to handle Pam as she is one tough cookie.  Especially since Eric has only showed his sensitive side for her and Godric.  The maker bond is truly a strong one.  But where does all that toughness come from?  Raised in Wisconsin, Bauer claims that she was raised in a community of cordial neighbors.  With one exception:

“My mother would beat us if we weren’t [polite.]”

Perhaps Pam’s toughness can be rooted in this, “politeness encouragement.”

Source:  E!Online – True Blood’s Pam Talks Dirt, Skars and Sex!

(Photo credit: HBO Inc.)

Fangtasy

Reality Bites – Session 11: The Clot Thickens

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Every week, a diverse panel of Bon Temps residents gather to watch and discuss each new episode of HBO’s True Blood. The sessions are moderated by Nina Harken, PhD candidate interested in finding out what the real folks of Bon Temps think of the portrayal of their town and their people on HBO’s hit series.

NINA
Well, I suppose we should start by saying welcome back everyone. After last week’s full moon issue —

[Tracy squirms in her seat.]

NINA
— it was probably for the best we didn’t meet.

CHUCK
Aw, hell, is that what happened? I was here last week, all ready to go. It was almost daylight when I figured nobody was gonna show.

NINA
Sorry about that, Chuck. But we’re here now and we’ve got a lot to talk about. So?

MADISON
Eric isn’t gonna die, right? I mean, I know they want you to think he is… but, he’s like the best character. They can’t kill him, can they?

ELIJAH
No, I suppose they cannot. Kind of softens the impact, doesn’t it?

NINA
There is something to be said about that. It’s hard to build tension when the whole viewing audience is aware that Alexander Skarsgard is signed on for next season.

MADISON
Right. You’re right. Whew.

NATHAN
Well just becaused Alexander Skarsgard is signed on doesn’t mean that Eric is alive.  I mean look at Godric.

MADISON
Oh-no…You’re right.  Why did you have to say that?

TRACY
Doesn’t look good for the King, though.

CHUCK
Good riddance.  At least Eric will finally get revange.

ELIJAH
Oh who cares about revange?  Eric is so focus on revenge that I don’t think he would pay any attention to me.  I think I’ll turn my attention to Lafayette.  Or Jesus.  Or both.

MADISON
*Eyes tearing up*  But, Eric is sacrificing himself for everyone.

HENRIETTA
Don’t make the mistake of mislabling heroism for selfishness.

NATHAN
Kinda how like your Chuch is one hundred percent pure and just?

HENRIETTA
The Fellowship of the Sun is a group of devout, God-Fearing people who think that vampires are the embodiment of evil.

NATHAN
I’m just glad you actually think that.

BYRON
I admit I’m very confused by the notion of whether or not Bill actually cares about Sookie.  I’m glad he saved her from Fangtasia, but is it for love or her blood?  It is hard to get a character read from someone who has had hundreds of years to mask intentions.

ELIJAH
Whats that saying about buying the cow if the milk is free?

MADISON
And always seems like Sookie’s the one left dying or bleeding or screaming…

NINA
Now what about the newest character – Holly? What do we think of her?

HENRIETTA
Evil woman.

TRACY
We don’t know that yet, lady.

NATHAN
Evil or not, her “spells” don’t seem to work. Arlene is still pregnant.

ELIJAH
Or is the baby just that powerful?

BYRON
Either way, it is a terrible situation to be in. One can’t blame Arlene for doing what she did.

HENRIETTA
I think she’s just over-reacting. There’s absolutely no reason to terminate that pregnancy.

TRACY
Yeah, that’s it. Let’s just bring another mass murderer into the world. Great idea.

HENRIETTA
That Terry is right in every way. If you love that child and raise it right, it’ll be fine.

MADISON
But what exactly is Holly? A Wican? That means she’s a witch.

ELIJAH
Not necessarily, although I’m sure that’s where this is going. What I do not understand is the situation with Mr. Jason Stackhouse and his little football friend. Really, what is the point there?

TRACY
That the kid’s on V.

ELIJAH
So?

TRACY
And, at least according to him, his coach and parents are cool with it.

NATHAN
So what, there’s some big corruption ring going on?

BYRON
That’s a possibility. Most likely a lead-in for next season. I’m also concerned with Sam’s mental state. He has such a dark past and it’s all coming to light now.

MADISON
And he’s a lot like his dad, even though Joe Lee didn’t raise him.

TRACY
See? You wonder why Arlene’s all worked up? Doesn’t matter if Rene’s alive or dead – the kid has his blood! He’s doomed. Sam’s the perfect example.

HENRIETTA
That’s just because Sam was drinking to excess. Ain’t no good comin’ from that.

TRACY
I guess that’s Tara’s excuse, too.

NINA
Why don’t we move on to, uh, oh Jessica and Hoyt?

MADISON
So cute!

CHUCK
I like how she just admits she likes fresh blood. We all wanna say that.

HENRIETTA
Oh, Lord.

ELIJAH
Question:  What is going on with Lafayette?  I mean I’ve let humans have my blood before, and that’s never happened.

BYRON
Maybe he is still experiencing mental trauma from being used by Eric, first as a prisoner, then forcing him to sell.

CHUCK
Yeah, I mean he did get the crap kicked out of him by Crystal’s family the first time he tried to sell it to them.

MADISON
Oh, yeah:  OMG Were-Panther!  That’s amazing.  That was a pretty kitty.

NATHAN
I know that some of the people in this  room are…

ELIJAH
Easy now…

NATHAN
…different…

ELIJAH
Good boy.

NATHAN
…but Crystal’s family is messed up.  They want her to have her half brother’s baby?

CHUCK
Like you said, messed up.

TRACY
At least Jason still wants to be with her though.  It’s not easy to be someone who is…out there.

BYRON
I don’t see things ending well for Jason being that he is now going to go against the law.  Poor boy is always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

HENRIETTA
Going against the law eh?  What about what Tommy was doing after Sam yelled at him?

TRACY
Yeah, what was he doing?

NATHAN
Clipping some sort of wires?

ELIJAH
I’m not entirely certain that I can even say that was Tommy.

NINA
Interesting.  Well how about we call it a night there to build a little suspense.  Next time we meet, we’ll get to see how all of these stories come together.

This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Reality Bites” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Authors: Sarah Pugh & Cory Brin

Header: K. Rose

Fangtasy

Reality Bites Session 10: Watch Your Back

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Every week, a diverse panel of Bon Temps residents gather to watch and discuss each new episode of HBO‘s True Blood. The sessions are moderated by Nina Harken, PhD candidate interested in finding out what the real folks of Bon Temps think of the portrayal of their town and their people on HBO’s hit series.

NATHAN
Whoa.

NINA
You could say that again. Okay. Where to begin?

MADISON
I can’t believe he just ripped out his spine like that. That was so gross.

CHUCK
I ain’t never seen anyone do that. You?

ELIJAH
Can’t say that I have. And I have seen quite a bit.

HENRIETTA
Disgusting. See? See what those vampires really want? To eat our children. Lord save us all.

NINA
Remember, Henrietta, this is just a TV show. It’s not necessarily true.

NATHAN
Why don’t we ask them?

[Elijah and Chuck share a glance]

ELIJAH
While I understand the fear this may cause, I can tell you the vampires in the real Bon Temps are not planning any such event.

CHUCK
Right.

NATHAN
How can we trust you, though?

ELIJAH
You will just have to take my word.

BYRON
It was also a great play on today’s media. With 24-hour news channels, people are rarely shocked by any breaking news anymore. That was certainly shocking.

MADISON
And then he throws it to Tiffany with the weather. Hilarious.

NINA
Let’s move the discussion a little bit. What about the other vampires?

MADISON
Eric and Pam? How sad was that? And they were locked down and everything.

BYRON
The vampire guards or, I believe they were referred to as the V-Fed? They were quite impressive.

MADISON
Like Robocops. And now Eric has permission to kill Russell. You know, I actually felt kinda bad for Russell. He was so sad when he found Talbot.

TRACY
What was left of him, anyway.

MADISON
But Franklin came back.

TRACY
Only to be killed.

BYRON
Tara was very strong to go seek help with a support group. That isn’t easy for anyone.

HENRIETTA
It is about time that poor girl finds some help. And it was none other than Jason Stackhouse to come to her rescue. Sent by God.

TRACY
That Sam finally flipped the hell out, beatin’ that guy to death.

CHUCK
He wasn’t dead yet. Close, though.

TRACY
He’s no good. He deserves it.

NATHAN
He does? We don’t even know anything about him except he’s Crystal’s dad. I wish they’d just spill out that storyline already. They’re clearly something.

MADISON
Same thing with Sookie. Seriously, what is she?

NATHAN
Yeah…

ELIJAH
Now, I have partaken in my share of blood types, but I have never traveled to another world.

NATHAN
Yeah… No, yeah. It felt like kind of a cop out so Bill could learn what the hell she is. He’s had her blood before and never went to … wherever…

MADISON
But he had a lot. I thought that was the point.

NATHAN
I guess. Just seemed like, cheap.

CHUCK
Speakin’ of cheap – how ’bout that Tommy-boy’s date?

ELIJAH
Right up your alley, Charles?

CHUCK
Can’t blame the boy for havin’ a good time.

MADISON
But I thought he liked Jessica. Then Hoyt still likes Jessica.

TRACY
Hoyt’s “girlfriend” — she’s got to die. Soon.

MADISON
Maybe Jessica will kill her! Her fangs popped out when she was gonna shake her hand.

NINA
It’s nice to see a human story — even though it technically involves a vampire. What else?

BYRON
I am curious to know what the jaguar tattoo symbolizes with Jesus.

MADISON
Is he a shifter? Or a were… something?

NATHAN
That seems kind of obvious.

ELIJAH
I thought those kind were known to be obvious.

TRACY
What does that mean?

ELIJAH
Well it seems to me that the Weres… as portrayed in the show, of course… they are all very clear. Rather gruff, if you know what I mean. Jesus is… not.

TRACY
You mean white trash, don’t you? That’s what you mean by gruff.

[Tracy snarls and Elijah bares his fangs.]

NINA
Tracy, Tracy, please. Elijah?

[Elijah retracts his fangs.]

ELIJAH
My apologies.

NINA
Maybe this is a good place to stop. We’ve only got a few episodes left, folks.

NATHAN
Let’s hope they bring together all of these stories. Feels like everything’s set up. Just has to fall into place.

NINA
We’ll just have to wait and see. See you all next week.

This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Reality Bites” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Authors: Sarah Pugh & Cory Brin

Header: K. Rose

Fangtasy

Reality Bites – Session 9: Crazy Love, My Crazy Love

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Reality Bites in Bon Temps

Every week, a diverse panel of Bon Temps residents gather to watch and discuss each new episode of HBO‘s True Blood. The sessions are moderated by Nina Harken, PhD candidate interested in finding out what the real folks of Bon Temps think of the portrayal of their town and their people on HBO‘s hit series.

MADISON
Mom, stop.

[MADISON’s Mother is using her hands to block MADISON from seeing the sex scene in the final moments of the episode. MADISON is trying to swat away her mother’s hands.]

HENRIETTA
Now that’s what call a good Christian Mother.

CHUCK
And that’s what I call a nice ass.

NINA
Alright people, let’s talk about the episode and not body parts. What did we like?

ELIJAH
Oh come on now, did Eric really have to kill Talbot? I’m for revenge as much as the next vampire, but poor Talbot was just looking to add some meaning back into his life.

MADISON
Yeah, not cool.

TRACY
What? Someone is upset with the high and mighty Eric?

NATHAN
Is Mr. Perfect no long perfect.

BYRON
Those vampires are fighting a war, there’s bound to be casualties.

NATHAN
But still, that was pretty harsh.

CHUCK
Speaking of harsh, yee-haw to Debbie and Sookie dukin’ it out. The only thing that could have made that better was some chocolate pudding.

TRACY
You are disgusting.

CHUCK
Would thought you of all people would enjoy a good bitch fight.

TRACY
I ain’t her.

NINA
Please, remember, we’re talking about the episode.

MADISON
I totally thought Sookie and Alcide had a great moment and that something would happen, but then he just left her…

TRACY
He went to help his sister, you’ve gotta protect your…family.

NATHAN
Hey, you were going to say…

TRACY
I said exactly what I meant to say.

HENRIETTA
Speakin’ of protecting, it was good to see that Jason Stackhouse keepin’ some tokens from the Fellowship, you know, in order to protect.

NATHAN
Actually, I was kind of surprised he still had that stuff.

HENRIETTA
Well it is a good thing.

MADISON
But I thought Jason was trying to protect his girlfriend who is clearly something. You like that?

HENRIETTA
I do not approve of such a relationship, so there really isn’t much for me to like. However, Jason is just tryin’ to do right by this Crystal and his sister, askin’ her to press charges against that vampire Bill.

MADISON
Oh, you just like him.

HENRIETTA
Child, you don’t know.

NATHAN
He never has a shirt on. How could you not like him… I mean, right, Henrietta?

HENRIETTA
M-hm. Gives me something to look forward to in this program. Enough vampires and such.

ELIJAH
Careful, darlin’.

MADISON
Seriously, do you guys know what Crystal is? She keeps saying “I can’t tell you,” “You don’t understand,” blah, blah, blah. Why won’t they just reveal it already?

NATHAN
Sam and Tommy noticed the scent of the father and the other guy — maybe a shifter like them?

BYRON
That’s an astute observation. Considering that Crystal’s father knew what Sam was, there’s probably something to it.

TRACY
Thank god Sam got rid of those awful parents. I was sick of seeing ’em.

ELIJAH
They did seem to bring the whole elegant mood down, didn’t they?

CHUCK
I liked ’em. Good folk.

MADISON
No they weren’t.

TRACY
Doesn’t matter. They’re gone now.

NATHAN
Are they? I wouldn’t be surprised if they brought back Joe Lee for one more round with Sam.

MADISON
I don’t know why Tommy was picking on Hoyt like that. That was mean. Hoyt still loves Jessica.

NINA
Speaking of Jessica —

MADISON
I know! I love that Bill’s teaching her stuff. Finally.

HENRIETTA
I must say I agree. Nice to see a vampire takin’ responsibility for his creation.

MADISON
It was so cool to see them flying around the room. And then Bill’s telling his story – “No way.” “Way.” I loved that!

CHUCK
See? That’s why I ain’t in no hurry to go creatin’ a vampire. Too much work.

ELIJAH
And you can barely take care of yourself.

CHUCK
Exactly. Wait. No. I mean… aw, shoot.

ELIJAH
I’m just glad that Franklin popped in to say hello. He’s my kind of crazy.

TRACY
I don’t understand why Tara is still freaking out. I mean yeah she went through a lot, but its over now.

BYRON
She’s going through her own form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, kind of like a soldier after war. Also, don’t forget that not a lot of time has actually elapsed in the world of the show. Eggs has only been dead for about a week.

NATHAN
Not to mention the whole Maryanne thing…and her mother coping with her demon before that. I think if anyone has a right to freak out, it’s Tara

MADISON
Nope, if anyone has the right to freak out it’s Arlene.

CHUCK
That’s right cupcake, I don’t scare easy, but seeing Rene Lenier talking to that baby gave me the creeps.

ELIJAH
I do agree… there’s creepy for the sake of being creepy, and then there’s just plain evil.

HENRIETTA
Interesting that you should be the one to say that.

ELIJAH
I know, which is why we should all be disturbed.

TRACY
Almost as disturbing as that new waitress Arlene hired.

NATHAN
Speaking of disturbed, why does Ruby Jean think that Lafayette is powerful?

BRYON
Which was confirmed by Jesus, who seems to be a bit askew himself.

MADISON
I don’t care about any of that, I just think it’s cute that they kissed and made up. Just like Bill and Sookie.

CHUCK
Hoo-boy they did more than kiss.

NATHAN
But I mean, Hadley came over to give Sookie that message, remember? “The king is coming. Don’t trust Bill.”

HENRIETTA
Can’t trust anyone nowadays.

NATHAN
And it was Eric who sent the message. What could that mean? Is he serious or just trying to get Sookie for himself or something?

TRACY
Whatever it was, Sookie didn’t seem to care. She was real quick to make up with Bill.

BYRON
There is certainly more going on than we can see, which I assume is the show’s whole point.

MADISON
I know but I want to figure it all out right now.

NINA
But, Madison, we just don’t have that kind of time. Actually, we’re out of time for tonight. Good discussion, everyone. Same time next week.

This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Reality Bites” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Authors: Sarah Pugh & Cory Brin

Header Credit: K. Rose

Interviews, Lafayette Reynolds, Nelsan Ellis, News

Nelsan Ellis Doesn’t Want Lafayette to Settle Down

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Jesus:  Ruby has a flare for dramatics.

Lafayette:  It runs in the family.

Whether he is laying the smackdown on bunch of bigots, trying to save Tara’s life, putting some love into his cooking, or dancing after drinking Eric’s blood, you can not help but love Lafayette.  Brilliantly portrayed by Nelsan Ellis, Lafayette has earned just as much of a following as Eric Northman or Bill Compton–which is a remarkable feat considering Lafayette is not a vampire.  One of the best decisions ever made by Alan Ball was to not follow suit with the eventual fate of Lafayette in the Sookie Stackhouse Books.

As we all know, Lafayette is currently in a on-again-off-again type relationship with Jesus, the caretaker of Lafayette’s mentally unstable mother, Ruby.  The show has gone back and forth over how intimate and serious the relationship between these two characters has progressed.

However, in an interview with Digital Spy, Ellis stated that he doesn’t want the relationship to last long.  Although the romance does add a unique angle to the otherwise “I’m fine on my own” character type, Ellis feels that it just isn’t the time in Lafayette’s life to be looking for commitment.

“I don’t think he’s a settle-down-right-now type of dude.  I think later down the line, but I think he’s about his exploits and making money and stuff.”

Although Ellis has these feelings about the direction of his character, it is clear that he remains professional while on screen.  The scenes between Jesus and Lafayette resonate as extremely true to life as the actors clearly push one another to reach higher peaks.

Likewise, Ellis did suggest that the couple is falling in love and that their relationship won’t be just a fling.

“We know the show has a huge gay fanbase so we wanted to make it believable for all the fans.”

As Season 3 of True Blood progresses, we will have to see if Nelsan Ellis’ wishes come true.

SOURCE: Digital Spy

(Photo Credit: HBO Inc, screencap by James)

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Reality Bites – Sesson 8: Shortcomings.

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Every week, a diverse panel of Bon Temps residents gather to watch and discuss each new episode of HBO’s True Blood. The sessions are moderated by Nina Harken, PhD candidate interested in finding out what the real folks of Bon Temps think of the portrayal of their town and their people on HBO‘s hit series.

NATHAN
Hey, wait a minute! It ended ten minutes early! That’s not fair.

NINA
Hmm… you’re right.

NATHAN
And started two minutes late.

TRACY
Rip off.

ELIJAH
Oh I can’t believe your quibbling over just a few minutes.

NATHAN
Well that must be easy for you to say when you live forever.  We don’t have as many minutes.

CHUCK
Oh yeah…I always forget about that.

NINA
Well even though the episode was a little bit short, what did we think?

MADISON
A lot of people died…like Lorena was gone with the first minute.

TRACY
And that bastard Coot was dead within the first five, thank God.

NINA
Speaking of Lorena, that reminds me:  Before we get too far, we had a question from one of our viewers…User name BrattylilAngel asks:  “I just was wondering as to why Sookie‘s power didn’t work against Lorena?”  Any takers?

ELIJAH
With a name like BrattylilAngel, I will certainly be a taker.

NATHAN
I think it was because she didn’t have time to get scared, Lorena moves a lot faster than Coot or Maryann did.

TRACY
Didn’t need to use her power when she had a stake and another vampire holding Lorena down.

HENRIETTA
Now let’s not sing praises about Mr. Compton so quickly, after all we almost did lose Sookie thanks to him.  How long have I been sayin’ that she needs to get away from that vampire?  Even that Claudine lady said so.

CHUCK
Yeah who the heck was she?  And why were they all prancing around like some kinda hippies?

BYRON
That was indeed very strange.  It almost didn’t seem to go along with the rest of the show.  Clearly something special is going on with Sookie on the supernatural level, but the rest of the supernaturals on the show are all dark and realistic.  Or at the very least serious.

CHUCK
It was pretty awesome that when Bill showed up that it was all darkness.  It makes me proud of who I am.

MADISON
I’m still sad that Bill almost killed Sookie, I mean I know he was dying and everything but still–not cool Bill.  Eric wouldn’t have done that.

ELIJAH
You don’t know that.

MADISON
I do too know that.  And OMGodric,  Bill in the sun?  How did that work?

HENRIETTA
I’ve always been told that the sun was the purging light, why did it not effect him?

[Everyone’s gaze turns toward ELIJAH.]

ELIJAH
What?  It’s a television program. nothing like that’s ever happened to me.

MADISON
But you’re the vampire, shouldn’t you know these things?

NATHAN
Chuck’s a vampire too.

ELIJAH
There’s a reason I was asked, dear Nathan.

CHUCK
You know what pretty boy, I ought to report you to the Magister for being such a prick.

TRACY
Just so long as the real King of Mississippi doesn’t kill the real Magister.

BYRON
I was wondering about that myself.  From what we know the Magister is clearly high on the vampire chain of command.  With a sudden and unexpected removal of such power, typically there is a rush to fill the power vacuum.  I wonder what the process is to replace the Magister or what will happen to the vampire community with his removal.

[Everyone is looking at either CHUCK or ELIJAH.]

CHUCK
…um…

ELIJAH
No comment.

NATHAN
Really, you’re not going to open that big mouth of yours?

[ELIJAH Opens his mouth and his fangs descend.]

NINA
Now boys, play nice.  When Russell killed the Magister, it was after a pretty lengthy speech, how do we feel about his play for power?

HENRIETTA
Evil child of Satan!

CHUCK
I didn’t really follow him.

NATHAN
I wonder how many vampires will actually let that come to pass.

BYRON
Sounds like vampire insubordination.

MADISON
I just can’t wait for Eric to get revenge.

ELIJAH
He can be my King.

TRACY
Dick.

NINA
And how do we feel about Tara now that she is seemingly free from the clutches of Franklin?

MADISON
Total girl power!  She was awesome, she saved Sookie twice and was all like, “No Bill, you can’t give her your blood, that’s what happens when you try to kill her.”

HENRIETTA
She killed one vampire and almost killed another.  Now who says that she does not know the path of God?

CHUCK
Ma’am in the entire time we’ve been doin’ this, have I ever done anything to you?

HENRIETTA
No, but that’s only because I’ve been wearin’ this.

[HENRIETTA points to her silver crucifix.]

CHUCK
If you want me to keep leavin’ you alone, you should stop sayin’ things like that. Besides, we don’t know that Tara killed any vampires…yet.

NINA
And what about Sam’s storyline?

BYRON
If you had the gift of being able to shift, why would you waste it by doing something like that to yourself, even at the request of your parents.  No real loving parent would willingly put their child in harm’s way.

MADISON
I was sad that they showed the pile of dead dogs.  I know they like to be shocking…but I didn’t like that.

TRACY
Agreed.

BYRON
Though, I was proud of Sam, actually watching out for Tommy.  That’s true brotherhood there.  Reminds me of my military days.

NATHAN
Yeah, but that story isn’t over.  Joe Lee is up to something.  I can just tell that he won’t be happy with how things ended up.

MADISON
Even if something does happen, Sam will protect Tommy.

CHUCK
Guess nothing’s thicker than blood.

[ELIJAH licks his lips.]

NINA
Well I think that’ll be all for tonight.  Please tune in for next week’s session.  Also, please don’t hesitate to ask us questions in the comments section, one of our panelists may actually answer you.

Authors: Sarah Pugh and Cory Brin

Header: K. Rose

This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Reality Bites” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Books, News, Video Interviews

True Blood Comic Book Series with IDW Publishing

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At Comic-con 2010 in San Diego, California, IDW Publishing finally released a comic book series that you can really sink your teeth into.  That’s right, Alan Ball, HBO, and IDW Publishing came together to create the first ever True Blood comic book series.  IDW‘s director of Marketing, Anna Maria White was on hand to give True Blood fans the scoop about this new way to interact with both the main characters and the universe of True Blood.

The series was plotted by True Blood creator Alan Ball; written by David Tischman and Mariah Huehner.  The amazing artwork was provided by well-known illustrator David Messina.

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Reality Bites – Session 7: Gory Days

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Every week, a diverse panel of Bon Temps residents gather to watch and discuss each new episode of HBO’s True Blood. The sessions are moderated by Nina Harken, PhD candidate interested in finding out what the real folks of Bon Temps think of the portrayal of their town and their people on HBO‘s hit series.

NINA:
Wow…that was quite an intense ending…anyone care to share any thoughts?

[CHUCK and ELIJAH both have their fangs out and are staring at the TV screen intently.  ELIJAH’S gaze shifts toward MADISON.]

ELIJAH
Would you like to step out for a drink?

MADISON
I’d love too.

[MADISON’S Mother smacks MADISON on the shoulder.  MADISON shakes her head and blinks a couple of times.]

NINA
None of that, Elijah. That was the deal.

[ELIJAH’S fangs retract as he looks somewhat defeated.]

MADISON
How cool is it that Eric is that close to fulfilling a 2,000 year old promise of vengeance?

BYRON
It is quite interesting to see Mr. Northman maneuver around all of the players in this game.  We clearly know what he wants, but it is fascinating to see what he will do to achieve it.

CHUCK
They better not kill off that Sookie girl.  Not only is she hot but she’s one of the few main girl characters who will actually get naked.

NATHAN
I mean, I know they won’t kill her. You can’t kill off the main character of the series. But… man, they sure know how to make you nervous, showing clips of her in the hospital…

MADISON
Yeah! That was freaky.

NATHAN
But supposedly they’re going to kill someone. Or a few someones.

NINA
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, here. What about this episode?

NATHAN
I don’t know… I thought the King’s whole plan of world domination seemed a little lame. He sounds like a bad comic book villian.

ELIJAH
Russell had a point, though, about the human race destroying itself. Sad, really.

NINA
Was he right about supernaturals not getting along?

[Silence]

TRACY
It just ain’t that easy.

BYRON
Supernaturals, as I understand, are just like nationalities, very set in their ways, their traditions. It makes adjusting to each other unnecessarily difficult.

ELIJAH
And humans do not make anything easier with their judgements and self-entitled attitude.

MADISON
Excuse me?

ELIJAH
Sorry, darlin’, but it is true.

MADISON
What about Lafayette and Jesus? It’s so sad that Jesus left him.

CHUCK
Can’t say I was too comfortable with that whole situation.

MADISON
Seriously? They were adorable.

HENRIETTA
But that Lafayette is a drug dealer. That boy is only trouble. Even Jesus couldn’t save him.

MADISON
We don’t know that yet.

NATHAN
Is Jesus something?

NINA
What do you mean?

NATHAN
Like, a supernatural of some kind? Clearly not a vampire, but a shifter or something?

TRACY
Don’t think he’s a were.

BYRON
It is very possible he is some kind of supernatural, perhaps one we haven’t seen yet.

NINA
Well, we can’t discuss this any further until we see more episodes.  How about the whole Tara story line?

HENRIETTA
How could Tara not know to use a stake?  Heaven Almighty, the good Lord grace that child with several weapons that could have easily been used as a stake and she chose that?

CHUCK
Easy there grandma.

TRACY
Yeah, Tara’s pretty much screwed.  Though it was awesome how she out-thought that werewolf from Coot’s pack to save Sookie.

MADISON
I was also happy to see that Alcide didn’t abandon Sookie.  And OMG, we finally saw him as a wolf!

TRACY
Oooo, thats so exciting…it’s like we haven’t seen any other wolves yet.

ELIJAH
So here’s a query:  I’m ecstatic that Jessica is feeding like we ought to be feeding, but if she is so upset that she’s going to kill her dinner, why doesn’t she just drink True Blood?

CHUCK
You can actually suck that stuff down?  I thought you were better than that.

ELIJAH
You thought?  Most impressive.

MADISON
Is there really that much of a difference between human blood and True Blood?

ELIJAH & CHUCK
Yes.

NATHAN
Elijah is right, they do stock True Blood at Merlotte’s.  Why doesn’t she just drink that?

HENRIETTA
I gotta say this: The people who make this show finally got something right about Bon Temps.  That lady in the bar who was there ’til all hours of the evening is just like that Tillie Thibedeaux.  Walking ’round town with curlers in her hair, in her night gown. Mmm-mmm.

MADISON
Oh, I know that lady! My friends say she likes to come into the diner right before they close and orders a huge meal.

HENRIETTA
In’t she something? Rudest woman to walk this good earth.

NATHAN
Was anyone honestly surprised about the whole dog fighting thing with Sam’s brother? I thought that one was too easy.

TRACY
Dogs fighting is one thing. It happens. Dogs will be dogs. But to be forced to do it for money? Horrible.

BYRON
That Tommy needs to stand up for himself. No man, shifter or otherwise, should be forced into something so violent at someone else’s behest.

MADISON
Is there really dog fighting around here?

BYRON
No there is not.

NINA
Oh, I just thought of something. This episode was awful bloody. Too bloody?

ELIJAH
Never.

MADISON
I don’t know… Tara biting into Franklin’s neck was pretty gross. Really gross.

NATHAN
Lorena messed up Bill real good. It had to be like slow torture.

ELIJAH
I’m just assuming that was her point.

MADISON
Would a vampire really do that?

ELIJAH
… I don’t know. I do know that the show has properly indicated the bond between a vampire and his maker. Whether it is like a parent and child, or two lovers, there is blood shared. The relationship is a lasting one. To kill your own creation cannot be easy.

CHUCK
Yeah, what he said.

MADISON
But why would she let the werewolves drink his blood? That seemed mean.

TRACY
Those two weres are trash.

CHUCK
I’m the drinker. I don’t want nobody drinking from me.

TRACY
Who would want to?

NINA
Alright, alright. I’m glad these conversations can go on their own without too much intervention on my part. I appreciate it. To encourage more True Blood fan feedback, our Bon Temps Residents panel has agreed to field questions and comments from fellow “Trubies.”  Leave your question or comment in the space below and perhaps someone from our panel will respond directly to you. Thanks and good night.

Authors: Sarah Pugh and Cory Brin

Header: K. Rose

This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Reality Bites” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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Reality Bites-Session 6: Blood, Sweat, and Tears

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“Reality Bites” Panel
Session 6:  Blood, Sweat, and Tears

Every week, a diverse panel of Bon Temps residents gather to watch and discuss each new episode of HBO’s True Blood. The sessions are moderated by Nina Harken, PhD candidate interested in finding out what the real folks of Bon Temps think of the portrayal of their town and their people on HBO’s hit series.

NINA
Well, huh. Okay then, where to begin? Uh…Chuck? You okay?

CHUCK
[Sniffling]
Yep.

MADISON
Are you sure?

ELIJAH
Charles, what are you doing?

MADISON
I… I think he’s crying.

CHUCK
Am not.

NATHAN
Yes you are.

NINA
It’s okay, you can tell us.

CHUCK
It’s…. it’s just… that blond girl and Bill were apart for so long…. it was kinda nice to see them… together…

[A beat.]

TRACY
Oh dear god.

ELIJAH
Who’d a thought our little redneck had a soft spot?

CHUCK
Shut up!  I ain’t no pussy or nothing.

[CHUCK’S fangs descend and he starts toward ELIJAH.  ELIJAH identifies the challenge and shows his fangs.  The two look as if they are about to fight.]

TRACY
Just screw already!

CHUCK
With this prissy boy I don’t think so.

ELIJAH
Please, I’d hold myself to a higher standard than this.

NINA
Okay, okay. Thank you for sharing, Chuck. That was very brave.

HENRIETTA
I don’t know why I bother coming anymore.  I’m going to go to hell just for listening to this.

BYRON
Miss Harken, this whole panel is supposed to be how we feel the show portrays Bon Temps, correct?

NINA
That’s correct.

BYRON
Well then I would appreciate if every Bon Temps citizen out there would take a cue from Sam Merlotte.  Sam is kind, gives people a place to stay, and gives people a place to eat and enjoy each other’s company.  He’s even taking care of his family to whom he literally owes nothing.  He also is the only one who hasn’t got himself mixed up in any negativity.  I wish more people could learn from his example.

HENRIETTA
Hallelujah!  Praise His Light!  Would rather if Mr. Merlotte were human though.

[BYRON gives HENRIETTA a subtle stare.]

MADISON
Wasn’t Eric’s flashback awesome?

NATHAN
… He was screwing some chick while his whole family was being attacked by werewolves.. how is that awesome?

MADISON
It’s not like he knew. He stopped when he heard them. And now, it’s like, he has to avenge the death of his family. That’s just –

NATHAN
Awesome. Right. Uh… but I will say that was an awesome shot of Russell, or I guess it was Russell, but that shot of him in the cloak with snow… that was nice.

MADISON
It was, but I was kinda bummed, I thought maybe it would be a new supernatural or something…

BYRON
Speaking of Eric, as a former military man my senses tell me the relationship between all of the vampires currently in the King’s mansion indicates there will be some double-crossing.

MADISON
Oooh.

BYRON
The King is clearly pushing his way to his goal, whatever that may be. Both Bill and Eric are aware of the King’s power, yet they each have at risk. There are no clear battle lines. Loyalties are questionable.

TRACY
Everybody’s so shifty.  I mean how bad is it that even a Pack Master is scared?

HENRIETTA
I want to know why all of these horrible things are happening to Tara.  First her mother is possessed by a demon, then she is hunted by whatever Maryann was, her human boyfriend was shot and killed, and now the most sadistic vampire
we’ve met wants to turn her.

CHUCK
I dunno… I dig Franklin.  At first I thought he was a British S.O.B., but this past episode he cracked me up.  Speed texting…hysterical.  And when he threw the flowers?

ELIJAH
Are you serious?  It’s like some vampire just turn the craziest lunatic they could find, just for their amusement. He does no justice to our kind.

CHUCK
Come on. “Don’t say that. Everytime a woman says that, I black out then wake up surrounded by body parts.” I’ve been there.

HENRIETTA
Well I’m just concerned that that evil child of Satan is going to turn Tara…and then there will be no moral humans worth watching.  Well, although I don’t necessarily approve of his sinful lifestyle, if I were 30 years younger that Jason
could put his shoes under my bed.

[The panel looks dumbfounded.]

TRACY
Lady, that the hell are you talking about?

MADISON
Whoa! Cougar in the room!

[NATHAN’s eyes widen as he looks at BYRON.]

NINA
It’s fine. That’s alright. I can see where Henrietta’s coming from, if I do say so myself. … So, hey, we don’t have much time, but enough to discuss one or two more topics. What about Crystal?

CHUCK
Yeah, what’s the deal with that chick?

TRACY
Hey, you don’t know. I mean, maybe she’s just…shy.

BYRON
Seems to me like she is hiding something.  I just don’t know if it will be good or bad for Jason.

MADISON
Let’s talk couples!  How cute were Lafayette and Jesus?  I mean, other than when fearing for his life at the hands of Eric, this was the first time we saw Lafayette out of his element.

NATHAN
I wouldn’t have waited nine hours just to play pool.

MADISON
Okay…and then there was Tommy and Jessica.  He called her a “smoking hot vampire chick.”  That was so sweet.

CHUCK
Ha…”Giant sixth grader.”

ELIJAH
How far did you make it?

NINA
Time for one more though.  Anyone?

ELIJAH
This is the second time we’ve seen Sookie use her “ability.”  I’m even more curious about it now because it’s got Russell so tickled.  I mean if someone as ancient as he gets excited enough to say, “fantastic,” then clearly something major is going to happen.

NATHAN
I really wonder what she is…

NINA
Fascinating.  Well everyone, thank you for another…lively…discussion.  See you all here next week.  To encourage more True Blood fan feedback, our Bon Temps Residents panel has agreed to field questions and comments from fellow “Trubies.”  Leave your question or comment in the space below and perhaps someone from our panel will respond directly to you. Thanks and good night.

Author Credit:  Cory Brin & Sarah Pugh

Header Credit:  K. Rose

This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Reality Bites” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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Reality Bites–Session 5: It’s Bleeding Men

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“Reality Bites” Panel
Session 5:  It’s Bleeding Men!

Every week, a diverse panel of Bon Temps residents gather to watch and discuss each new episode of HBO’s True Blood. The sessions are moderated by Nina Harken, PhD candidate interested in finding out what the real folks of Bon Temps think of the portrayal of their town and their people on HBO’s hit series.

NINA
I hope everyone enjoyed their break. It’s good to be back. So, episode number four. Open forum.

[Everyone looks at Madison]

MADISON
…what?

ELIJAH
Come on, darlin’, let’s get it out of the way.

NATHAN
Yeah, I know wh– we know what you’re thinking… just say it.

MADISON
…. well seriously, floating outside the window? Awesome.

NATHAN
There it is.

MADISON
But the best part was it wasn’t even one of Sookie’s dreams. It was Eric’s fantasy. He’s fantasizing about her. That’s insane.

CHUCK
Yeah, ‘specially with that dancin’ girl right there. Who cares about some crazy blond when you got 24/7 access right in front of ya.

ELIJAH
Oh, Charles, really. You have no appreciation for the hunt.

CHUCK
Sure do. But why hunt when the prey comes to you?

HENRIETTA
If you ask me, that Sookie Stackhouse is just lookin’ for trouble. Her grandmother would roll over in her grave if she knew that Sookie was allowing herself to be sullied by demon spawn.  And she ain’t even married.

MADISON
Bill asked her. She was gonna say yes.

HENRIETTA
Mm-mm. Marryin’ a vampire.

MADISON
Oh! And how cool was it when Eric came to Lafayette’s rescue?

NATHAN
They do make a great team.  How is it neither of them got an Emmy nomination?

NINA
But at least the series did.

BYRON
You know, there is one thing I’d like to add about Mr. Northman.  I know for the most part, and gentlemen please excuse me, that vampires are self-serving and conceited…

ELIJAH
Well, I never…

CHUCK
Sounds about right.

BYRON
But I was impressed with how Mr. Northman actually risked himself to go back and make sure Pam wasn’t in harm’s way when Fangtasia got raided.  He is even going to try and save her.  There is undeniable loyalty there and that is somewhat admirable.

MADISON
And you wonder why I love him?

ELIJAH
Eric is quite complex.  I bet you wonder why I love him, too.

NINA
Tracy, you’ve been quiet.

TRACY
I think it’s stupid that the only werewolves we’ve met so far are Nazis who actually drink vampire blood, who are seemingly ruled by a vampire King.  I mean come on, why can’t we learn about other werewolves?  The only other one we know is Alcide and he’s somewhat associated with this pack anyway because of Debbie.

NATHAN
She’s right.  In the first season, we saw several different types of vampires, like Eddy and the Vampire League lady…

NINA
The Magister…oh and technically Lorena in that flashback…

BYRON
Bill, Eric, and Pam…

ELIJAH
Malcolm, and his two friends that wanted Bill to nest with them…

MADISON
Chow and Longshadow…

HENRIETTA
That poor Christian girl Jessica, whom Mr. Compton robbed of her humanity….

CHUCK
and the vamp in the first episode who was at the convenience store.

NATHAN
Every single one of those characters portray vampires different light.  Each werewolf we’ve seen, again, except for Alcide, has been the same.  It would be nice to learn a little more about the wolves.

TRACY
And see some that weren’t insane V users.

ELIJAH
Speaking of the King, I do believe dear Russell may be more of a prick than the Magister.  At least the Magister holds the blood to be sacred and doesn’t associate with werewolves.

MADISON
But he kind of agreed to kill Lorena, or at least it seemed like he did. Which is really good for Bill and Sookie down the road.  Still can’t believe he broke up with her over the phone.

HENRIETTA
One-hundred and fifty some odd years of life and unlife and Mr. Compton still doesn’t know how to treat a lady?

TRACY
Well at this point, if I were Sookie, I’d say “screw you Bill, you’re not worth this,” when she has all those guys after her…Eric, Sam, and now Alcide.  She can have whoever.  Bill ain’t worth the trouble.

HENRIETTA
She’s turning into a whore of Babylon.

BYRON
Another disturbing portion of this episode is Franklin’s treatment of Tara.  I’m uncertain as to why he is so interested in her, but the way he has been treating Tara is almost akin to torture and that is reprehensible.  I’m not even certain what purpose Franklin serves.

MADISON
I was so excited that Tara smiled when Franklin mentioned Jason’s name.  I’m glad there’s still hope for them.

NINA
What about Sam’s story, anything anyone wants to add?

[Silence]

TRACY
I don’t really care about Sam’s story.  It’s just family issues, and everyone has those.

ELIJAH
Agreed. I liked it better when we had some Bill on Sam action.

NATHAN
I think this was the first time all season where they actually put more emphasis on the main plot.  Like we saw more of the main plot than we did of the side plots.  There was wasn’t as much Jason or Sam in this episode, but it’s okay.  We still got enough of those plots, which aren’t quite as complex, to keep us interested, while still giving enough time to explain the main story line.

NINA
Well, that time sure flew by.  We have to wrap it up for tonight.  To encourage more True Blood fan feedback, our Bon Temps Residents panel has agreed to field questions and comments from fellow “Trubies.”  Leave your question or comment in the space below and perhaps someone from our panel will respond directly to you.  Thanks and good night.

This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Reality Bites” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Author Credit:  Cory Brin & Sarah Pugh

Header Credit:  K. Rose

Dr. L

Ask Dr. L – It’s the Wild, Wild Wolves!

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For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

June 10th, 2010
Doctor,

As a werewolf, I’m prone to violence. Cliche, I know, but I don’t care. I also know what kind of wrath will fall upon me if I succumb to these urges. So do you know any sort of set ups like “American Gladiators?” but for Supes? It’d be nice to have a sanctioned type of place to be physical.

Vasher

Dear Vash,

My, my- just imagine- a werewolf prone to violence! What will they think of next? Does this mean you won’t come home and be my nice little puppy dog? Just kidding!

Actually, I commend you for looking for outlets for your supernatural urges. You won’t ever hear a vampire asking for something so noble. And since I love watching sports- not for the sport, but to look at the young, hot men playing the sports- I will keep a lookout for a venue for you and your friends to tear each other up in. I will even offer to sew you up afterward for a reduced fee, if you give me free tickets.

And you are so right- the wrath of Dr. Ludwig will fall upon you if I hear of you succumbing to those urges on innocent folks! Grrrrrrrrr……!!!

Hi Dr. L,

Big fan. Anyways, although I know that the events that happen in True Blood are fictional, I know that the supernaturals are real and something to worry about. Watching season 2, Maryann really freaked me out. She took over the whole town. But I also remember that she is some sort of minor Greek God. How common would you say Maenads are?

Terrified Terry

Dear T.T.,

First of all, you throw me for a loop by saying the events in True Blood are fictional. Says who?
As for that scuzzy maenad, Maryann, I could have taken her out right after I repaired Sookie’s back from her nasty attack. But then, nobody asked me…

She was a one note wonder. All the Greek gods I know are happy to stay in their own dimensions and mess with us from there. She just had to try to take over my little corner of the world. But no worries- she’s gone for good. Don’t look over your shoulder for a charging bull. You’re safe. Unless you live on a cattle farm, perhaps.

How ya doin’ there?

I’m a farmer from Wisconsin. I have a lot of cattle that I raise for beef. I’m in constant fear that somethings gonna eat ’em. Something that ain’t a wild varmint. I reckon a werewolf would…cause they are like half wolf. But what about vampers? What if they were desperate and there was no humans around. Could they even drink other kinda blood? Should I line my fences with silver and grow lots of garlic?

Agricultural Andy

Hello, Farmer Andy,

Funny, I just mentioned a cattle farm in the last reply- gee, I must be getting psychic!
But your question is a serious one, I’m sure, so I will address it as such. You are correct, a werewolf could and would eat your cattle. I’ve seen the aftereffects, and it is not pretty. And though they are more prone to human blood, a desperate “vamper” would take blood from your cattle as well, and it would result in very anemic beef for your consumers.

Yes, you could line your fences with silver and grow a lot of garlic. But here is what I suggest: Get a big flock of chickens. Chicken blood tends to make males cocky, and females lay better.
I’ll be here all week, folks!

Hey Dr. L,

Having just found out that there are werewolves in the world I’m very concerned. You see, I live out in the Rockies and have noticed a brand new wolf-pack has moved in. I’m very familiar with the local pack and they seem very nervous and have started ranging higher in the mountains.
The local Elk seem to be moving out of the way of the new pack as well.

All this happened about the same time as a the old Mayfield property was bought up by some kind of commune or religious sect or something. I was talking to the local butcher in town and he told me that they’ve ordered so much meat from him that he’s had to hire a new guy just to keep up. He’s hired the Simpson kid, now there’s an odd duck for you. Always studying the animals, hardly ever hangs out with the other kids in town. And at least once a week someone says they’ve caught him running naked
in the woods! Anyway, do you think these new folks up at Mayfield could be werewolves? How can I find out?

Worried Willy

Dear Willy,

Sounds like you have good reason to be worried! Personally, I’d be getting out of Dodge if it was a religious sect or commune moving in. Those people are STRANGE. And coming from me, that’s saying something. But your neighbors seem to be even spookier. When the meat starts to disappear, trouble can’t be far behind. (did I just say that???).
So, as a word of advice, I’d start looking to relocate. Or, get yourself a big flock of chickens (see previous reply…ba dum bump).

Hey Dr. L,

I know that most vampires are extremely old and are stuck in their ways. But I also know that there are new ones, “made” every so often. With vampires being out of the coffin, I’m sure it is now easier than ever to continue on with the same life goals as you had as a human. Therefore, do you think new vampires still would go to college to learn things? Are colleges making arrangements for vampires to enter their classrooms?

Thanks,

Stanely the Sage

Dear Stanley,

First of all, I resent the idea that if a person- or vampire– is of a certain age, that we, I mean they are stuck in their ways. Some folks remain vibrant and imaginative and young at heart, no matter the chronological age. Just wanted to clear that up, Stan.
As for vampires going to college, I have yet to meet one of these egotistical, vain, vile creatures who don’t think they know everything already, so why would they go to college? The really young newbies are so busy destroying things and people, and being generally obnoxious, they have no time for college. So please know, your hallowed halls are safe from these fiends. Well, unless you offer night classes on sexual perversion, or the like.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Header Credit: K. S. Rose

Alcide Herveaux, Cast, Characters, Interviews, Joe Manganiello, News, Season 3 News

HBO’s Interview with Joe Manganiello

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HBO recently sat down with the new star and werewolf of True Blood, Joe Manganiello. He had some interesting teasers for all of the fans of the show who are chomping at the bit for more information.

Now that Alcide has finally met up with Sookie, there is yet another man in her life.  Since Sookie is searching for Bill and being courted by Eric, is there any hope for Alcide? Joe says,

“It’s really for Alan Ball to answer. Alcide presents a very interesting option for Sookie… They’re both kind of in interesting spots as far as relationships go.”

Unlike most of the other werewolves we’ve seen thus far, Alcide has been pack-less.  Likewise, he has also been true to his promise to Eric and actually risked  harm to keep Sookie safe.  How does Joe Manganiello get into the groove of playing a solitary and somewhat less ferocious werewolf? Joe described Alcide as a man who “wants to live his life out quietly.” The monster facade Alcide has was “constructed to keep people away from how sensitive they are.”

Any actor who signs on to True Blood knows that it will only be a matter of time before they are shirtless. Alcide is no exception to this rule as the season goes on. Therefore, Manganiello worked with Ron Mathews (the same trainer who got Hugh Jackman into shape to play Wolverine—ironic, no?)  to get into shape for this role.  Joe describes the process:

I met with him and did two workouts a day.  My shoulders and arms got bigger, but my waist got way smaller.  I’ve had to get all new jeans.

Due to the fact that going into and out of wolf form leaves you naked, it sounds like Manganiello may be rivaling Jason for shirtless onscreen time this season. Joe believes that he is taking Jason‘s place as the “piece of meat” on True Blood this season, but he definitely takes it well. Joe said that he won’t be the same physically in 15 years, so he’s taking advantage of how in shape he is now.

Each of the actors who play werewolves actually get a real-life wolf counterpart. Manganiello’s co-star, Thunder, is one of the larger wolves in the pack that has been brought in for True Blood. Joe recalls the first time he met Thunder as intimidating. When Joe and Thunder were first introduced, Joe was a bit scared because Thunder kept trying to stare him down. It didn’t help that Thunder is a huge wolf and a wild animal.

Even though Alcide may not have a group of werewolves whom he swears loyalty to (that we know about yet) on True Blood, Manganiello himself is not without a pack:

My girlfriend has a Yorkie and a King Charles.  She has these two little dogs that she calls my “wolf pack at home.”  She’s waiting for the were-Yorkie on True Blood.

SOURCE: HBO.com

(Photo: HBO, Inc. Screencap by James)

Cast, Characters, News, Supporting Cast, Supporting Characters

A Moment with Grant Bowler: Head of the Pack

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Grant-Bowler-Cooter-Werewolf-TrueBloodIf you have noticed nothing else about the world of True Blood it in its brand new third season, it is that werewolves are now very predominant.  In fact, there has been a werewolf in every episode of the third season thus far.  There has been one pack that stands out amongst the rest: Cooter’s pack.  This is the group that is seemingly responsible for the abduction of Bill and that works the vampire King of Mississippi.  This is the same pack that has been labeled as “Neo-Nazis.”

Recently, TV Guide has had the chance to ask a few questions to Grant Bowler, the actor responsible for bringing Cooter to life.

Grant was asked about what he could tell us about Cooter and his pack, and he said that he considers Cooter a “redneck Romeo” and that the werewolves have a lot planned. They’re not just trying to find people to bully.

And as for what we can expect between Cooter and Bill… Well, we know that they can’t stand each other, even though their relationship was supposed to begin as a professional one. Now they just want each other dead.

Grant also admitted to being a fan of True Blood before he was cast.

“I felt like Alan was writing a comedy – like the world’s darkest comedy.  And I loved it.”

Grant discussed his experience working in some of his dark, graphic scenes. He said that he’s amazed by how far True Blood and it’s writers are willing to go. In fact, he’s never heard Alan Ball or any of the writers make comments about the show going ‘too far,’ which is unique to True Blood.

Grant even talked about what it’s like on set with the cast of True Blood. He said,

“I think there were 34 actors and every one of them was as sharp as a tack, perfectly cast, and brilliant at what they do…It’s very laid-back, and they laugh their butts off…that material is so dark and so fraught.  They just laugh from dawn until the next dawn.”

Finally, TV Guide asked if Grant could share any teasers. Grant‘s response? Sookie‘s a lot more special than we think, so expect new things from her that you haven’t seen before.

Source:  TVGuide.com

(Photo: HBO, Inc.  Screencap by: James)

Fangtasy

Reality Bites – Session 3: Family and Fops

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Reality Bites – Session 3:  Family and Fops

Every week, a diverse panel of Bon Temps residents gather to watch and discuss each new episode of HBO’s True Blood. The sessions are moderated by Nina Harken, PhD candidate interested in finding out what the real folks of Bon Temps think of the portrayal of their town and their people on HBO’s hit series.

Session #3 – Family and Fops

NINA
Wow, all right then. Thanks for coming back everyone. Now we just saw the second episode of the season, Beautifully Broken. Pieces from last week are coming together, lots of new characters to talk about. I’d like to begin by asking everyone to talk about one element of the episode that was of particular interest to you. Let’s start over here with Madison.

MADISON
So, Eric.

NATHAN
Here we go.

MADISON
No, seriously. How hot was he when he was trying to get Sookie to invite him in? And, and he really was trying to protect her. Loved it.

TRACY
But he lied to her.

MADISON
Only at first. He came clean. Oh, and Jessica. Man, that guy was gross. I can’t believe she slept next to him. Ew. But at least Pam was helping her out a little. Although I wasn’t totally sure what happened to that body. Did that other vampire guy steal it?

CHUCK
Disposin’ of a body ain’t that hard. Don’t know why it took that girl so long.

HENRIETTA
Oh, heaven help me.

NINA
Let’s stick to the episode. Byron?

BYRON
I just want to say, as someone who has overcome many obstacles, that it is very important to have family help you through any challenges you may face.  Considering that Sam was technically abandoned by two families, it is quite impressive to see that he has accomplished as much as he has.  It isn’t easy to achieve success when you are in the minority.  Sam’s anger at his family about not letting him know the changes he would be going through, is extremely justified.

CHUCK
Hell with that, how about that Bill ripping off a werewolf’s ear?  Now that’s what I call action.

NINA
Tracy, would you like to add anything?

[TRACY stares intently at CHUCK]

NATHAN
Jesus lady that’s all kinds of wrong.

[With a confused look, NINA glances back and forth between NATHAN and TRACY.]

TRACY
The first time you see werewolves and they are Nazis?  The first time you saw a vampire, he was almost as sparkly as Edward Cullen!  Did you see what the character name was for that werewolf that Godric and Eric killed?  It was in the credits:  Were-bitch.  Now where do they get off calling female werewolves, “were-bitches?”

ELIJAH
Well! Somebody’s awfully defensive.

[TRACY’S glare switches to ELIJAH.]

NINA
Yes Elijah, it’s your turn now, would you like to add anything else?

ELIJAH
Who was that flaming fop with the Vampire King?  What was that?  That hair?  The shiny clothes?  That ridiculous accent?  Please, how can someone be that oblivious?  Not to mention that the King himself was a crusty fop.  Even when horses were the main form of transportation, we never rode them.

[CHUCK bursts into laughter.]

TRACY
Really?  I thought they based that character on you.

[ELIJAH glares back at TRACY.]

ELIJAH
Unlike all the meals in the Vampire King’s house, all of my meals are not willingly donated.  Though, I would kill for some of that blood gelato.

NATHAN
I thought it was cute…I mean funny when Jason asked about Santa Claus.  It was nice to see the Stackhouse children together on good terms.  In fact it seemed like the theme of this episode was the importance of family…something I’ve not always enjoyed the experience of.

BYRON
Roger that, son.

NINA
Now Henrietta, I first wanted to ask you about the giant silver cross you are wearing around your neck.  I don’t seem to recall you having that last week.

HENRIETTA
Well let’s just say after Mr. Grantierre’s little outburst last week, I wanted to make sure I had the power of God protecting me.

ELIJAH
It would take more than the power of God, I assure you.

HENRIETTA
I’ll let faith be my weapon.  I thought it was such a nice thing tha Lafayette was doing for Tara May, trying to prevent her from spending eternity in damnation for killing herself.  She was almost making progress too, until she became involved with that new child of Satan.

CHUCK
At least that vampire’s a man of action.

NINA
Now let’s move on to how you all feel Bon Temps has been represented.  Madison?

MADISON
Um, I don’t know.  What was with all that stuff in Bill’s drawer about Sookie?  And why was that other vampire looking for it?

BYRON
I think it’s admirable what Andy did to protect Jason.  Those two went to battle together against Maryanne and any good company commander would stick up for his men.  I’m sure most of the real cops around here wouldn’t want take the heat of being a murderer, even if it did bring glory.

CHUCK
How about that bitch Lorena going up in flames?  Woo-eee buddy.

TRACY
Woo-eee indeed.

ELIJAH
Honestly how much of a fop was that guy?

NINA
Elijah, that has nothing to do with Bon Temps.

ELIJAH
Fine, the only thing I have to say is that they seem to be making such a big deal about the vampire politics.  If you ask me, its not really that big a deal.

NATHAN
Seriously, a meth lab?  A meth lab in Bon Temps?  How 1990s?  You can get V and they are still showing people doing meth?

MADISON
Hey wait a minute…speaking of blood, they never mentioned anything about Lafayette selling all of the blood he was supposed to sell.  Pam said, “by nightfall” and we made it through a whole day.  I know because we got to see Eric again.

HENRIETTA
Before all of these unholy beings made themselves known, Bon Temps was a lovely place.  Now you have vampires, werewolves, drunkards, people making drugs, rampant sexuality, and deplorable crimes.  I agree that all those things are horrible, but there are good Christian folks who live in Bon Temps too.  Why can’t they ever focus on them?

NINA
Well put Henrietta.  Well I think that’s a good conversation for tonight.  I look forward to speaking with you all again after next week’s episode of True Blood.

This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Reality Bites’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Header Credit:  K. Rose

Author Credits:  Sarah Pugh and Cory Brin