Bon Temps Tattler: Maxine Fights Back

April 1, 2010 by  

Citizens of Bon Temps, I come here today with a heavy heart. I cannot believe my boy Hoyt has joined in the forces of the vampire against his own mother. Instead of coming to my defense and joining in helping my cause, MADV, Mothers Against Dating Vampires, he is now leading others into the path of destruction. If I didn’t see it myself I would not have believed my boy would stoop so low as to write a column about dating dead things! Even goin’ so far as to bring up my treatment of black folk! With God as my witness, believe me when I tell you, some of my best friends are black folk! And Hoyt knows I have no problem with letting Lafayette cook me up some of his delicious fried chicken.

And as for his little harlot hog tying me? I dare her. That just goes to show you readers: these creatures of the night are not like the rest of us. Here they are wanting the same rights as us humans but I don’t expect a shark to have the same rights as I do just because they eat a person now and then. What’s next? Are we gonna be givin’ rights to to lions and sharks and bears? Just because we’re their food and we’re the vampires’ food? I tell you it just ain’t natural. The only man that will ever get my respect for rising’ from the dead is the good Lord Jesus.

As for the returning of her so called virtue, that’s God’s way of punishing her for being the undead and fornicating with a sweet innocent boy like my Hoyt. Again, it’s just unnatural! If God wanted us to have relations with dead things, he would have made that the 11th commandment but unfortunately for her there are only 10! So if you’re reading this you fly-by-night Jezebel, you need to do us both a favor and stay away from my boy! Because next time, I might not be so nice.

For all those who are true to this cause, we will be selling bumper stickers and t-shirts along with informational pamphlets on *How Not to Date a Vampire* at the next meeting for the Decedents of the Glorious Dead, who died for our country,  and stayed dead, unlike some folks who shall remain nameless.

*MADV Because Mama knows Best!*

Maxine Fortenberry

[Editorial comment: Please feel free to leave your opinions in the comment section at the bottom of this ‘Letters to the Editor’ section. No reason why us more normal folks can’t have our say too!]

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)