Ask Dr. L – Aliens, Were’s and Buggs? Oh My!

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

March 12th, 2010

So Dr. L,

I’ve been reading like, all of your responses and I love them by the way, but with all of the strange supernaturals I gotta ask: Have you ever experienced aliens? Like if there are werewolves, shifters, vamps and all that good stuff…there’s got to be aliens. Ever meet one? Does their blood do anything crazy? Could a vamp or werewolf beat the aliens in an fight? I mean, you’ve had to have run into some aliens…right?

Thanks,

UFO Hunter

Dear Hunter,
As much as I tried, I couldn’t stop myself from envisioning you in line for many hours, dressed in your Klingon costume waiting for a Star Trek convention to open …so I had to just let that happen, and allow myself the moments of hysterical laughter that bubbled up from that vision.

Now that I have somewhat composed myself, I will try to address your question. You are correct in that I have “run into some aliens”. Some of them are currently back in their own native countries, some are encarcerated, awaiting deportation…OK, I’m cracking myself up here, so I’ll get serious.

Since Earth is a rather slow, dense, base planet, most of it’s inhabitants are still on a path of great, much needed, learning. Only a few of us are advanced beyond that level, and yes, I include myself in that “us”. That being said, the Star People, the ones you call aliens, are so far advanced that if they decided to really set up camp on our humble planet, none of us- including weres, shifters, vamps, and any other beings you might see as powerful- would be a match for them. Personally, I would wave the flag of surrender at once, if these beings decided to invade. Well, perhaps I would first try to strike a deal- my infinite knowledge of all Earth’s variety of beings to be allowed into their inner circle, or something like that.

And honestly, does a person who uses the word “like” as much and as inappropriately as you do really think he (or she) can actually catch a UFO? “Beam me up, Scotty!”

I really want to play a prank on my friend and I think if I had a shifter helping me out it would be like hysterical. Or like I know vamps are really strong and can move really fast and I’m moving next month. Do you know of any places or personal shifters or vampires who like rent themselves out? Or maybe you could start that and make a buck or two off of the supes that I can gather your not very fond of? I’d be your first customer. I mean I’m not lazy, but I’m more than willing to throw money at a problem to get it done right.

Crossing Fingers,

Richie Rich

Dear RR,
How rich are you? Because most of us have a price, myself included. Not that I would actually do menial labor, such as moving (shudder!), but I might be able to persuade a few of the creatures you mention to perform your “prank”- for a fee.
Seriously, how rich ARE you?

Greetings.

I’ve read your column for a certain degree of amusement. I like to watch the pitiful breathers think that they are actually superior to us and that they continue to be deluded by the fact that we willingly give up our blood. But the more and more I read, I can clearly gather the seething hatred you have for my kind. I could honestly care less whether or not you like or hate a vampire. But what I can not allow to pass is for you to perpetrate the notion that the uncivilized werewolves, or the honor-less shifters are superior to us.

Therefore I want to know, given your vast experience with all the various types of “races” should you find yourself in a situation where you needed to ask a vampire, werewolf, or shifter for aid, which would you pick? And please do not allow bias to influence your decision. I want to know who you think would be able to offer you the most useful support in any type of harrowing situation. You attempt to exploit us all anyways, so which race is the most useful to you? I’d be surprised if you say anything else other than vampire.

Vindicated Vampire
Dear Vindicated, or shall we say “V“,
Did you really think you could hide behind a pseudonym? I know and recognize your tone, as well as your linguistics. We know each other, you and I- and have for quite a long time. In fact, we have discussed this very question, ad nauseum. You know I need vampires for their blood, from which I extract “V” for scientific research and healing purposes. You also know if it weren’t for that fact, I would be most delighted to see all of you obliterated from this planet.

As to which group, vampires, shifters, werewolves, etc, would win in a peeing contest, I don’t really know. You all have your strengths, weaknesses, and yes- uses to me. Your opinion of weres as uncivilized or shifters as honorless is as foolish as your saying vampires are superior. Your opinion and a few bucks will buy me a cup of coffee, pal. And since your arrogance enters the room before you do, I must say to you yet again to F$#K off.

Hey, what’s up Doc!

I’m a shifter and my goto form is this really fast grey rabbit with the most handsome ears you’ll ever see. Life is great, charmin’ the girl bunnies, teasin dogs, running circles around the local reptile population. But I have one big problem that really bugs me: I have this overwhelming craving for carrots! This gets me into a lot of trouble as I can’t pass up a carrot without taking a nibble. My neighbor El is all up in arms about the ‘rodent infestation’ in the neighborhood and he’s darn near shot me twice. The local grocer has barred me from his store after a little incident where I was, shall we say, samplin’ the goods.

To top it off my girlfriend Lola who is a small town news reporter has started to complain that I have ‘carrot breath’ and that my lips are turning orange. She’s been bugging me to give up the sticks. Even the thought of it is hair raising.. or is that hare rasing? heh That’s a joke, Doc.

What can I do? I have a big rematch race coming up with this tortoise down the street.. I suppose youse heard about how I lost to him last Time because the race went by El’s carrot patch? I swear, I only meant to stop for one little nibble! This year it’s going past the local farmer’s market.. I’m droolin’ just thinking of all the sweet carrots that’s going to be at that event. Help me, doc! This carrot obsession is really buggin me!

Sign me: One Bugged Bunny

Dear Bugged,
Oh, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard your opening line, I’d be…well, richer than I already am.

Your query is not an uncommon one. Many shifters feel a particular fondness for certain things their “other” side enjoys. I knew one shifter, a dog, who was arrested because he couldn’t stop his compulsion for using fire hydrants as his toilets, even in human form. I believe that case is coming to trial soon…but I digress.

My best advice here is for you to dump lovely Lola, and enjoy all the female bunnie beauties at your disposal. I can guarantee, none of them will complain of your carrot breath- it will work as an aphrodesiac. Not that rabbits ever seem to need one.

Many “hoppy” returns!

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom do a search using  the site search tool and use ‘Ask Dr. L’ in the box!

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

What’s Cookin’ – Who Dat Latte

Lafayette comin’ atcha here. Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur! I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle. Then at nights I cook at Merlotte’s bar where all the local necks hang out. So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man. I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me! And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan’s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

Whasssup????? Ya boy Lafayette is back in full effect. I been gone off da town fo a minute. Youse wouldn’t believe where I been. Lawd, I went to New Orleans for Super Bowl Sunday and I ain’t come back home til this past weekend. Sam still mad at me. I think ol Sookie even mad at me. I walked through that door at Merlotte’s like nothing ever happened. Next thang I know, dey all over me talkin’ bout “Lafayette, we thought Eric had you again or something.” Hmmm, he should be so lucky.

Child, ya boy was hangin out in dat French Quarter. My voice still ain’t come back yet. I betcha I be yellin “Who Dat” in my sleep! Man, look, we was on Bourbon Street watching da end of dat game and lawd, when dey ran dat clock down, Bourbon was off da heezy. Ya boy wasn’t comin home til gots to see him some of dem sexy mens that made dat happen.

I made plans to stick around til Tuesday so I could catch me some beads and maybe some numbers, too. When dat float wit those defensive backs passed by, child, ya boy passed out. I loves me some defensive backs, especially dem ones da New Orleans Saints got. I saw a couple of dem sweaty mens and next thang I know, dey was picking me up off da sidewalk. I got weak when I looked up and dey was throwin’ beads to me and da rest as dey say, was history. I decided to stick around New Orleans for a while. You never know who you gonna meet down there, but you know you gonna have a good time. There ain’t no other way!

Man, dat win was a long time comin. But you know what else a long time coming? My next recipe. And child, dis here recipe a short one, but one that gonna wake you up. Make sure you make it for ya man or woman, whichever one you got. It’ll really get ya blood to pumpin!

Ingredients:

1 tablespoon of flavored syrup

¾ cup of milk

8 oz. strong coffee

Directions:

Brew coffee however ya normally do. Once dat coffee finished brewing, mix all dem ingredients together and pour over ice. Now it’s ready to drank just like dat, but make sho you put some whipped cream all over it. You wanna get fancy, you can put some chocolate shavings or something like it.

Ya boy don’t worry bout them shavings. All I worry about is da whipped cream. And you know ya boy can find some uses for dat.

Til next time folks, Who Dat talkin bout Lafayette can’t cook? Who Dat! Who Dat!

(Photo credit: http://www.virtualbay.co.nz/totallyroasted/pics/latte-bowl-602.jpg)

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

To read more yummy Lafayette approved recipes use the search function to find “What’s Cookin‘” in our archives!

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Ask Dr. L – Sports Edition!

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

February 28th, 2010
Dear Dr. L,

I’m just gonna start this off straight up yo, I ain’t smart. The only thing I’m good at in school is history and I don’t even know of any jobs I can get in history. I don’t wanna be stuck taking out trash the rest
of my life. My only hope is to try and be a professional sports player. I play three sports. Football. Baseball. Basketball. The best I can figure for football I need good legs. For baseball I need good arms. And for basketball I need good endurance.

So I was wondering, if I managed to find some V, should I try to get it from like a vampire’s leg…for strong legs…and like a vampire’s arm…for like strong arms…and like from a vampires…wherever
endurance comes from for endurance? Is that how it works?
Thanx,
Black Knight Linebacker

Dear Linebacker,

I happen to be a big sports fan, not really for the sport- I don’t know a tackle from a home run- but to see the players hot, toned bodies in action. So, I am more than a bit disappointed you did not include a picture of yourself.  However, I will do my best to answer your question, and maybe you can send me that picture later.

Now, you are obviously not the sharpest tack in the box, and oddly enough, you even admit that yourself.  See, if you had even a teeny, tiny bit of intelligence in that thick skull of yours, you would KNOW that I would never, ever condone (look it up) the use of V for anything other than medical, scientific purposes.  So whether it comes from the vamp’s leg, arm, or any other appendage (again, look it up) I would not dignify (getting tired of looking word up yet?) this idiotic question with an answer.

However, if you are ever interested in meeting a cougar, write me again and send a photo next time.

Dear Dr. L,

This may sound crazy, but this is the time of year when I start building the theatrical haunted house I run in October. I only can work on during the weekends, so if I don’t start now, I’m in trouble. I recently met my first vampire who told me that he would love to help scare people when October rolls around. But I’m worried about something. I know that vampires and the sun don’t really get along. But in our house we use a lot of Ultra Violet light to make things glow. Will this hurt a vampire because isn’t the sun also Ultra Violet in nature? Will it just make a vampire glow? I would hate to have this vampire volunteer for me, then burst into flames.
Thanks!
Gravestone Gary

Hello, Gary,

Oh, nothing is more fun than a well done haunted house! I have been known to participate in these events, myself.  The sound of a blood chilling scream is so satisfying. I hear them now and again in my practice, but they are more prolific in a haunted house!

As to your question, do you actually know my thoughts and feelings on vampires, dear? Do you understand that I loathe the very idea of these vile creatures? Because if you do, you understand that I do not care if the vampire you engage for your haunted house bursts into flames when making contact with the UV lights.  But let me say this- please invite me this October.  I will bring weenies and marshmallows to roast.

Hey Dr. L,

So I’m one of those gamer guys. Like I play role playing games in my mom’s basement with my pals. I know that’s a stereotype…but it’s true, so whatchya gonna do? I’m also a fairly new vampire…let’s just say I got a little too into my hobby.

Anyways, in my Tome Of Monsters, there is a lengthy entry for vampires. All kinda crazy stuff. I’ve been doing some research on “real” vampires every since they made themselves known and I’ve come to learn that the gamers of the world are wrong on a bunch of things. But there is one vampiric trait that I haven’t been able to figure out for sure: Can “real” vampires make thralls? Thralls are described as essentially being blood thirsty, mindless, former humans who never really went through the complete transformation process. These are usually used by villainous vampires as like some form of an army. I mean I’m guessing not because I’ve never seen one, but I also suppose that us vampires aren’t dumb enough to just let these things run around anymore.

But…can I do that? I never really liked my old gaming group.
Signed,
Icarmadoro, Vampire Lord of Corsotha

Dear Icky,

Because you gaming geeks seem to have a culture and language all your own, and I am not familiar with it, and  have no intention of becoming familiar with it, I am trying the best I can to translate your query. Are you asking me if you can enthrall your gaming group? If so, do you realize and understand that this is not going to improve their IQ or social skills in the least?  They will not suddenly become interesting or socially acceptable. In fact, the experience I have had with thralls is the opposite- the base, animalistic tendencies are enhanced, and they are not the type of people one would want to invite to a party. Trust me.

So, in the interest of humanity in general, and myself specifically, I am not- repeat NOT- going to give you instructions in enthralling your nerdy pals.

Dear Dr. L

I have long wondered how a male having sex with a female vampire may be any different than sex with a regular human female. I mean a vagina is a vagina! Women can experience the long lasting and ecstasy that a male vampire can give but a female really can’t offer anything new. What can you say about that?
Sign me Super Strange!!

Dear SS,

As you may already know, I am not a fan of the fang.  I do not have the slightest idea if sex with a male vampire is any better than sex with a human male. I am an equal opportunity vampire hater.

BUT, that being said, I cannot abide male chauvinist pigs, either.  So, my advice is, IF you can get a female vampire to have sex with you, which I doubt you can, then you had better be able to satisfy and please HER- not be obsessed about getting your own jollies. Because if you don’t- I think you need to get yourself adjusted to a nocturnal existence, for a very, very long time.
Good luck. You really need it.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom visit the archives!

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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Bon Temps Tattler: Hoyt’s Hot Tips!

Hoyt’s Hints for Dating newly turned Vampire;

Hello there; my name is Hoyt Fortenberry, recently my mother; Maxine decided to take my personal love life public. She is trying to start a group called Mothers against Dating Vampires, MADV. Really momma you couldn’t have come up with a more original acronym.  If one didn’t know better they would think you’re a mother against doing Viagra. But let’s move on readers.

As I titled this article Hints for Vampire Dating, I will try to give you the reader some helpful tips on beginning and maintaining a relationship with a female vampire. Of course being a male I can only speak on that end of it. But some of these hints may be gender useful.  You may ask yourself how I am such an expert. I’m not. I am a simple man from a small town In Louisiana, who has been dating a newly turned female vampire named Jessica Hamby, a ward now of a Mr. Bill Compton a local vampire here. I met Jessica on a warm summer evening in a small bar. She walked in wearing a bright summer dress. At first glance she looked like any other girl in the bar, maybe a little paler. Jessica scanned the room; she had a nervous almost scared look in her eyes. Seeing an open booth Jessica went right to it and took a seat. I only saw a lovely young woman who was new to the area. I was raised by my momma, Maxine, to always be polite, especially to new people and  women. I walked over and introduced myself, asking if I could have a seat. She agreed and then told me her name. Next she landed the bombshell. She said she was Vampire.  I don’t know still today if I was smitten by her beauty or the fact she was a vampire. I only knew that at that moment I was falling in love with her.

I have never really had a steady girlfriend and I could tell that Jessica had never really had a boyfriend so we stumbled through our initial meeting like teenagers. We’ve been together for a few weeks now and I have learned some things I would like to share with you.

1)       Manners; these are just as important with a Vampire as with a human (maybe more so because if you offend a young female Vampire she may do more than just slap your face.) Treat her with respect.  Some of these newly turned girls may have come from a hard life, be it from the streets of the city or from an abusive home life in their past. Being polite to them will a strong focal point on which to begin.  Open doors for them, say please and thank you. Smile a lot. Let them know how good they look. Just the simple things can take you a long way in the beginning.

2)      Take your date to Vampire friendly restaurants. They will not be interested in Lobster or Steak. They need blood to survive. So look for the True Blood signs on the front of eating establishments and Bars. This will show your date that you are considerate of her needs.

3)      Be careful when you decide to take her home to meet your parents. They may not be as open to Vampires as they appear. In my own case I relate it to Momma’s views. She treated Vampires much the same way as she treated Black people; she was friendly to them in public and made herself sound totally accepting of them. They were fine and she had no problem with either of them, so long as they were not dating her son or moving in next door.

4)      Finally for now, Meeting her maker. This is of upmost importance. For her maker is like her dad, and how daddy’s feel about their little girls is pretty much universal. If you mess with her they will hurt you. I have been fortunate as Mr. Compton is trying very hard to mainstream and teach Jessica to main stream also. Some others may not be so understanding. It will be up to you to use your best judgment. Remember a Vampire bite is just as lethal as daddy’s old shotgun.

I hope these tidbits have been helpful comeback next time when we will discuss Time management; or should I work a swing shift to allow more time for dating.

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)

Bon Temps Tattler: The Truth About Maxine Fortenberry

Dear Editor,

I feel I am placed in a position of defending myself for the attacks of your redneck gossip rag and the one-sided backwoods views of Maxine Fortenberry. I was instructed by my maker, Bill Compton, to try to smooth things over, he doesn’t like vampire’s public image to be sullied. So I’m writing to clear a few things up. I am Jessica Hamby, I do date Hoyt Fortenberry and I am vampire. I will address the article and attempt to remain a lady but I do not give my word on this.

First, My Lord Mrs. Fortenberry, if the truth shall set you free, you must be securely hogtied. You raised Hoyt as a single mother and tried your best to make him a momma’s boy, well that is until I came along. You see folks, it isn’t really that I am vampire that truly upsets Mrs. Fortenberry, it is the fact that that her son might one day leave her. As far as me being an orphan vampire, she is mistaken there too. I was the oldest child of Mr. and Mrs. Jordan Hamby and now I am Bill Compton’s child, well… sort of.

I have read through her vile lies several times and I do not see where my being a vampire is truly her concern. I believe she referred to me as a ‘Jezebel’ that can work ’sex spells’. Well let me tell all of you something, I was a virgin when I met Hoyt, so y’all tell me, who used a sex spell on who. Now for those of you that don’t know, that means I’ll be a virgin forever. Which means I have my cherry popped every time and let me tell you that is not something I enjoy so much that I would lead an innocent man to his ruin.

Heavens! I didn’t even learn how to glamour till I got to Dallas but it is a very nice ability to have.  After all, if that crazy woman attacked me I could just glamoure her. It would be tempting to then make her my pet. Oh, I bet she peed a little after reading that. Don’t worry Mrs. Fortenberry, Bill won’t let me do anything to humans. Besides, Hoyt might get a little mad at me.  What I find very funny is that all she thinks about is the sex. I bet if she had a man this wouldn’t even be an issue. She is just a dried up old hag that has nothing to live for except controlling her son. And now Hoyt ain’t having none of it no more.

Bill has told me to try to remain as pleasant as I can to her, but this MADV group she is forming is nothing more than a pathetic attempt to get her baby boy back and I ain’t allowing it! Whether you like it or not Mrs Fortenberry, I love Hoyt and he loves me. This group will not change that.

In closing I would like to remind Mrs Fortenberry that if something was to happen to Hoyt, like a car crash or a heart attack from her grilled potato chip and cheese, ‘heart-attack-on-a-plate’ sammiches, please consider who would be able to help him heal, even critical wounds, I can even help with years of deep fried guilt. There may be a time when she is very thankful for who and what I am. The only thing I’ll ever be thankful to her for is Hoyt, for which I’m very grateful, but that doesn’t mean she can bad mouth me in the pages of this paper!

Sanguinely Yours,

Jessica Hamby, Vampire

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)

What’s Cookin! – Mardi Gras Cabbage

Lafayette comin’ atcha here.  Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur!  I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle.  Then at nights I cook at Merlotte’s bar where all the local necks hang out.  So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man.  I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me!  And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan’s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

Child, ya boy is back after takin’ some time off to celebrate da new year. I spent da new year in Dallas and it was off da chain! There was good lookin’, sweaty mens everywhere and ya best believe ya boy kept himself busy.

When I got home to Bon Temps, it was back to servin’ da necks at Merlotte’s. I been tryin’ to come up wit some new recipes since dat Mardi Gras right around da corner. I won’t be here to handle up on da cookin’, so I gots to leave Terry wit some directions so he can take care of my peeps while I’m New Orleans.

I got a special friend dat I met while surfin’ da web and he’s done gone and invited me to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Aw Sookie, Sookie nah ….. dat’s all I gots to say bout dat. We gonna stay at dat luxurious French Quarter hotel, Hotel Monteleone. Once I gets there, I plan to take myself a lil nap and then head on down to Bourbon Street, right in da middle of da action. I will keep y’all posted on dis and might even send ya some tweets or somethin’ live from da scene!

For now, I want y’all to try my new recipe I call Mardi Gras Cabbage:

Ingredients

1 head of cabbage

Creole seasoning

1 yellow onion

1 bell pepper

½ pound of smoked sausage

1 tablespoon of butter

1 link of tasso

1 clove of garlic

Directions

Slice cabbage and cover in water. Bring to a boil after adding Creole seasoning. In a saucepan, melt butter and sauté sausage, tasso, onion, bell pepper, and garlic. Mix inta da cabbage, cover and cook til well done. Youse kin use a pressure cooker at this point like we do at Merlotte’s ta cut down the time but don’t be blowin’ yerselves up now.. y’hear? Unless’n yer name is Eric Norhman then I’m not so’s particular bout yer safety.. but that’s a story fer another day. Yer kin serve dis over rice or alone.

Now wheres did I put those gold lame pants and that HOT black top? You knows I gotsta look good for the parades! Or maybe dat new purple one piece…

(Photo credit: http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/4873696/cabbage-main_Full.jpg)

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

To read more yummy Lafayette approved recipes go to the “What’s Cookin‘” archives!

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Ask Dr. L – Answers to Some Hairy Questions!

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

January 17th, 2010

Greetings Dr. L,

My husband Frederick, a college biology professor, and I have been married 22 years very happily. Last fall, he was made into a vampire by this student of his. It’s just totally scrambled our very mellow, joyful life! We love each other so much that we’re trying to adjust. He’s taken up researching bats and I’ve moved to the night shift at the hospital where I work and I sneak out fresh blood as often as possible. Of course, he still has to feed the normal way and hes’ tried that ‘True Blood’ everyone’s talking about but just doesn’t like it. At first, I
wouldn’t let him bite me at all and that was perhaps a mistake. After all, if you only taste one flavor of blood you don’t know there’s anything else out there. Just like waiting for sex to get married.. yes?

Anyway, he’s now found that he loves B negative blood. The problem is, my blood is A positive! Oh.. he tries to act like it’s great but after more than 20 years of marriage I can tell his heart isn’t in it. Whatever can we do?

Is it possible to get a full body blood transplant? Maybe have that leukemia treatment to kill off my bone marrow and then get it all transplanted? My girlfriend suggested splashing a little B neg on my neck while my catty aunt Melissa thinks he’s just hinting at a menage a trois! The very idea! What do you suggest?

Sanguin in Seattle

PS that uppity student got his.. not only did dear Frederick fail his sorry butt but when I’m bored I find where he sleeps and douse the place with minced garlic!

Dear Sanguin,

First of all, per your PS, I like your style! Dousing the lousy vamp who caused all this hubub with minced garlic is priceless- and I plan to steal your idea and say it was my own. Hey, my advice here is free, so it is rather tit for tat, no?

Now, down to your query. This is indeed a delicate and difficult issue. First off, I will nix the idea of the blood transplant right off. I can see how much you love your husband, and your nobility goes above and beyond. But the fact is, my dear, he is now a vampire. There is not a one of them in the whole lot on earth worth putting yourself through such agony for. Trust me- I’ve seen many, many of these vile creatures over the years, and I wouldn’t cross the street to stop one from being staked myself. You have to understand, he is not the man you married. Although after 20 years, most men are NOT the same, vampire or no. But I digress.

Splashing B neg in your neck might work for a bit, but since he is a biology professor, I suspect he’d catch on sooner, rather than later. And though aunt Melissa may sound catty, he is a man, and again, vampire or no, the idea of a menage a trois is just something males cannot help lusting after. So I say don’t get him used to something you’d have to keep up (no pun intended…).

I believe you might want to invest in my latest invention for this very purpose. It is a very small, discreet tube you can attach to your neck with two ends at the top. At the bottom, which you cleverly hide on your person, you attach a vile of whichever blood type is preferred- in your case, B negative. Then, when he gets into the throes of passion, you simply make sure his viper fangs sink into the tubes, instead of your neck, and he can get the blood flavor of his dreams from you. Trust me, it works. Men in the throes of passion can be made to quack like a duck, if you ask them to.

And lucky you! My product is new on the market, and I am selling it at a new, introductory price, which I cannot disclose here. I will send you the details privately. I know you will be happy with the results. Though why any sane, intelligent woman would even want to hang on to a damned vampire is beyond me.

Hello Dr. L,
Fairly recently, after an extended ‘apprenticeship’ I was turned into a vampire. So far it’s been everything I was promised it would be but there’s only one small toothsome problem. You see, when I was alive, I never lost the right canine baby tooth. The dentist said there just wasn’t another one up there. He said it’s a problem seen more and more frequently as people’s faces get smaller.. Anyway, the problem is that I only have one fang as well! Not only do I have to suck twice as hard to get the nutrition that I need or feed twice as long.. but it causes a horrible lisp and instead of being properly terrified of me they see one
fang and simply burst into laughter! I can’t take much more of this humiliation! Is there anything that can be done? I swear if I don’t find a solution soon I may end up going to Virginia, my family lives there, and sitting on the beach there to await sunrise.

Toothless Tom

To Toothless Tom

Although I am not a dentist, I can assure you there are many of the dental persuasion who are not above doing such disgusting things as implanting a vampire fang for the right price. Modern medicine has come a long way, and I understand you could get such work done, including the high end models that actually have gold plating. If you want information on such dentists, you may send me a referral fee, and I will, indeed, refer you to one of the dentists who do such work.

On the flip side, Virginia beaches are beautiful at sunrise. Think about it.

Dr. L Baby!

Allow me to introduce myself, I’m a lounge singer namma Leisure Suit Larry.. maybe you’ve heard of me? Everyone has. They love my polyester suits and my mellow songs about raindrops and butterflies. I’ve performed all over the east coast in some of your classier dives. The women just LOVE me. I get more free drinks than you can imagine and my pick of women still in the bar at the end of the night. More importantly (hard to imagine something more important than that eh?) I’m the most awesome new werewolf ever!

I was sleepin on the boardwalk in Atlantic City one night.. that would be ON the boardwalk not under it. Just takin’ a nap between shows ya know.. and this big hairy homeless guy was pawin through my coat pocket and drinking my cocktail when I woke up. I swear he was lapping it like a DOG, how unhygienic! Well I just hit a high C to drive him off (ignore those reports that I was screamin like a
little girl.. I swear those folks are just J E A L O U S!) but I so startled him that he bit my hand that was holding the drink. I dropped that martini glass right down off the boardwalk onto the rocks below and you know that came out of my tipjar!

Of course I had to call the police, and the press. Maybe you saw my picture on CNN? Not my best shot honey but I think that bite really got some sympathy tail if you know what I mean.. anyway.. a few days go by and I start sprouting hairs in all kinda of new places. Then one night I found myself looking out through the skylight at the joint I was playing and I couldn’t help myself.. just started howling! The crowd loved it but I had to beat feet because they all started to look.. like prey.

Anyway that night I realized I’d become a werewolf and I’ve been happy as a dog in a pile of bones except for one little thing… seems every time I turn into a werewolf I have the worst case of a bad hair day! It all just stands on end for an hour after I get out of those human clothes and the shocks when opening doors or touching the TV are unimaginable! Really, it’s enough to make me want to shave my whole body-which would take a bloody long time! It’s really taking the zip out of my hard drive if you get my drift..

Can you help me Doc?
Signed LSL

LSL

God, could you possibly be more disgusting? I do my level best to avoid people (?) like you at all costs- and yet you manage to find me anyhow.

Eeeeuuuuwwww!

But, being the kind, benevolent, caring doctor that I am known to be, I have to take your creepy, yet somewhat legitimate question to heart, and at least try to answer with my usual compassion.

I do have some expertise in laser hair removal. Believe me when I tell you not every doctor is going to offer such service to a werewolf, as it would be at least a two, maybe three day procedure. I can set up an appointment for you later this month, but you have to sign a document guaranteeing you will NOT consider me prey. That would suck big time. Though I have never had such a procedure done myself, I understand there is a teeny, tiny level of pain involved. OK, there may be a LOT of pain involved for you, wolfman, but if you want pain meds, that will cost extra. I am not a drug dealer.

Other than that, I hear those Nads thingies from Australia work pretty well. Of course, you’d have to have about a million of them, so my work just may be cheaper. Let me know what you decide.

But either way, you might stop wearing those synthetic fiber suits! You’re building up huge amounts of static electricity and you’re likely to start a damn fire!

Oh, and one more thing, I will not forget that you, Leisure Suit Larry, had the audacity to refer to me as “Dr L Baby”. Grrrrrrrrrr……

Dear Dr. L.,

I do have a question that’s worried me since I delved into the world of vampires, the two-natured, and other assorted supernatural beings. Why on earth do vampires and werewolves/other weres/shapeshifters hate each other? Shouldn’t supes stick together, at least against certain mortals who would do them harm?

Can’t we all just get along?

Sign me,
Morbidly Curious

Dear Morbid,
Are you trying to put me out of business? Do you know how much of my annual income is directly from fights among the supes? There aren’t many of us in the medical profession, particularly of my extremely specialized skills, who will work on things like vampires, werewolves, shifters, and the silly humans who hang around with them. As long as the strife and fighting continues, I will be able to continue living in the style I have become accustomed to, and I will be able to play cougar and sugar mama to the hunky younger men I seem to attract. If everyone suddenly started getting along, I’d be just another doctor in the quickly approaching universal health care system. I’d probably have to start living in just one house, instead of my three- or is it four? Ah, it’s so hard to keep track of such things.

So, brownie points noted for your naive thoughts of us all getting along. Years ago, a guy in Los Angeles named Rodney King spouted this kind of drivel, and look where he is now!

Wise up, Curious!

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom visit the archives!

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

What’s Cookin! – Lafayette’s Famous Fudge

Lafayette comin’ atcha here.  Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur!  I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle.  Then at nights I cook at Merlotte’s bar where all the local necks hang out.  So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man.  I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me!  And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan’s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

Lafayette’s Famous Fudge

Happy Holidays, Hookahs.  Ya boy’s back wit some holiday cheer for ya heffers.  I hope each and every one of youse had a great holiday.

I’m bout to impart some knowledge for ya that you can use for ya Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve feasts.  You just know round here we got that fire when it comes to da food.  Louisiana is da bomb!

Lettie Mae had a spread that would make you want to slap ya mama. Errbody who’s anybody in Bon Temps was there.  Hell, Terry and Arlene was even there with the kids.  And Andy with his dumb self.  Get this.  Andy calls up Tara a couple days ‘fo Thanksgiving, talking bout, “Tara, Imma come over to ya Mama house and fry up a turkey ‘fo Thanksgiving.”  Yeah, well, I am more than certain you hookahs know how that went down.  Thank goodness me and Terry was off work and already over there helping wit da festivities or else Lettie Mae’s house woulda looked like da one those vampires was living in – crispy, crunchy and burned clean to da ground.

Andy outside, right?  He got the burner going and he put da pot and da oil in it.  He gets da brilliant idea to get it to boiling and you know ol’ Andy – dat fool too proud to ask another man fo’ help and lo and behold, he dropped da turkey into dat boiling hot oil all by himself – ‘cept he knocked over the pot while he was doing dat.

Child, listen to ya boy when I tells ya that ya don’t want to be nowhere round when dat oil hits da flames.  Lettie Mae’s backyard looked like a forest fire.  And yeah, then dat’s when Andy’s crazy self decides to yell for help. He better be glad that wasn’t his own house else I’d have let it burn, baby burn!  But youse know I can’t do that to my favorite auntie so I ran outside to see what I could do to fix Andy’s mess.  I saw what was happening and I said, “Lawd Andy, what you done now?!”  It was quite a sight to say da least.  For some stupid reason, Andy thought fanning the flame with his shirt was gonna help put it out.  Man, I grabbed the fire extinguisher and commenced to savin’ da day.  If ain’t learned nothin’ else workin’ on dat road crew, I learned how to put out a fire or two.  Jason was always doin’ stupid stuff and I done put out a few a his fires in my day.

Once Andy finished burnin’ down half da neighborhood, I went back in da house to make my famous fudge.  Imma share dis’ witcha, but don’t tell nobody, or else I might have to ice ya:

Ingredients:

½  cup light corn syrup

2 sticks butter

4 cups granulated sugar

1 can condensed milk

1 cup peanut butter

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

Instructions:

Spray a cake pan with vegetable spray and set is on da side til you finish making da mix.  In a large saucepan, mix up sugar, condensed milk, corn syrup, and butter.  Ya want to cook it on medium high heat.  Now you can’t be playin’ on da internet or “workin” while none of dis is going on, else you gonna burn the mixture.  Stir it like coffee – put yo hips in it.  Keep stirrin it til it’s completely melted and take yo candy thermometer and stir til it gets to 240 degrees.  Don’t let it get above dat else you’ll ruin da mix.  Once it get there, take it off da heat and stir in da peanut butter and vanilla.  Stir dat mixture good til it gets smooth and pour it in da pan and let sit til ya’ll ready to eat. Den cut into bars or squares.

You can also give dis as a gift.

Now dat’s whaassup!

(Photo credit: http://fariellos.com)

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

To read more yummy Lafayette approved recipes go to the “What’s Cookin‘” archives!

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Bon Temps Tattler: Maxine Fortenberry Report

Well it’s about time someone wanted to hear someone with a lick of sense!  I would like to first thank the Bon Temps Tattler for requesting my services as a bonafide reporter of this fine paper.  And I give my word that I will report the strange happenings of our town to the best of my abilities and I will tell the truth and as the Good Lord says, “The truth will set you free!”

First of all, I would like to lay all my cards on the table and apologize for the actions of my son Hoyt.  I am sure by now you all know he as been dating a Vampire.  I have tried on my own as a single parent to raise my boy as best as I can but a mother can only do so much.  I tell you this is a mother’s worst nightmare and it has to be stopped.  I know some of you must think ill of me for coming out like this and talking openly about my own flesh and blood, but how can I stop this monstrosity of humans dating vampires if I don’t step up to the plate and do something about it myself. It just breaks my heart to do this but I would not be doing the readers of this fine paper Justice to just sweep this under the rug.  My integrity as a reporter for the Bon Temps Tribune and telling my town the truth is far more important than worrying about what other people think of me.  If I can reach others through my own experience maybe I can save our beloved town from loosing their loved ones to the wicked ways of the vampire.

This harlot my boy is dating has come in and brainwashed my poor boy and taken him from me.  I am quite certain she did some vampire who do Voodoo mind control sex spell to get him to even look her way.   My Hoyt would not look at such trash without some kind of mind manipulation.  And a mother knows her own flesh and blood more than she even knows herself.  This vampire is a shady one I tell you and she hides her evil ways looking all innocent, like she’s this poor Little Orphan Vampire, but I got this Jezebel’s number.  She is nothing but a wolf in sheep’s clothing!  Now she may have gotten past my son with her harlot ways and her fangy smile but she did not get past me.  I immediately noticed she was wearing white after Labor Day.  That just shows me she not only is a blood sucking harlot but she has no class at all whatsoever!  It was probably some manipulative ploy to make herself look virginal and innocent but I saw right through her, yes I did, all the way down to her red shoes!!!!  And there is nothing good that ever comes from a woman that wears red!  It is the color of the beast.

Now all this and my own experience got me to thinking that it is now time to take action as a community and fight this new trend of our beloved ones dating the vampires. We need to take our loved ones back.  We must get them out of the evil lairs of the vampire and home where they belong!  I am starting a help group for our community. Oh yes I am.  I mean someone has to take the bull by the horns and that someone is me, Maxine Fortenberry!

We call ourselves MADV,  “Mothers Against Dating Vampires.”  We will be here for all your trials and tribulations caused by these creatures of the night taking away our loved ones with their vile and ungodly ways!  Vampires should stick to their own kind and we will not back down!  Our mission will be to stop any and all vampires from dating our beloved family and friends.  They WILL leave out loved ones alone after we are done!  They will be sent back to their coffins and stick to their own kind and I will not until that happens will we rest!

Anyone interested in joining us to help in our cause, please do not hesitate to call me ASAP and sign up!  MADV NEEDS YOU!!!!  And don’t forget to come to our bake sale next week at Bon Temps High in support of our cause.  MADV!  Mothers Against Dating Vampires!

Maxine Fortenberry

Do you support Maxine’s MADV club or are you a fangbanger yourself?  Let others know what you are thinking about this new organization.

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)

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