Welcome to Fangtastic Fashions!

Hello to all you droll humans, and welcome to my new little column here on TrueBloodNet.com! I’m Pam, and I’m going to help you with all your fashion queries and problems you may be having – and they are huge judging from what I see walk through the door at Fangtasia!  I have fantastic taste, even if I do have to say so myself! Being surrounded by men, and well, poor little Ginger who refuses to take my fashion tips is so frustrating! Men so rarely understand the fine points of fashion and especially not 1000 year old Vikings!  Why just last week Eric had brown socks on with his black pants!  ::Shudders:: Luckily for him, he does recognize my expertise and usually listens to my suggestions.  I picked out that stunning little number he wore to visit the Queen, a real winner wasn’t it?

If any of you humans have visited Fangtasia, you’ll be familiar with me… I’m the drop dead gorgeous blond who’s dressed to the nines that decides if you tastey enough to come in and party!… or not…. and if you’ve visited, you’re now in my vault.. along with whatever foolish human fashion choices you’ve made.  Oh yes, I mean you Betty Sue Fortenberry and your too tight plaid cotton hip huggers and horizontal stripped shortie tee with your hips bulging out over the sides.  It takes all sizes to make up the world but you need to dress for success not the circus!

I’ve decided to start this column to discuss the fashion that I see, in Shreveport and in Bon Temps and let everyone know what the rage in Europe is where I go to do all my shopping!

Obviously, if you’ve seen me at work you’ve seen my work clothes.  They’re very different from my everyday wear, but Eric says we have to dress up – it attracts the tourists,  just like you!

Now, this little note is just to say hello and let everyone know what’s coming up… I’m happy to answer all your fashion questions and comments, and I’ll discuss the fashion tastes of my friends and acquaintances.. Eric, Bill, Sookie… and anyone else that grabs my fancy.

In fact, speaking of Sookie, she is one succulent little morsel that I would love to have for a makeover!  In particular, her work uniform is just awful!  Obviously we all have to dress for work, but at least Eric doesn’t make me wear a tacky little tshirt with ‘Fangtasia’ splashed over it… Perish the thought!   I think I’d rather die again than be forced into something so low class! And don’t even get me started on the shorts and ’sneakers’ that she wears… I mean, I’m on my feet all night, and there’s nothing I love better than a gorgeous pair of pumps just like the lovely ones shown at the top of the column which I ruined chasing after that menaed!  They were made by Betsey Johnson and are called ‘Risky’, a lovely name to go with an even more delicious d’Orsay Pump. With the creativity and streak of cruelty needed to make these wonderful shoes you just know she’s one of us, don’t you? And even you little people can buy them for a mere $120 and I don’t want to hear any whining either about the pain of wearing them OR paying for them. After all, dear humans… Like all worthwhile things, Beauty is Pain!!

So start writing your questions and comments and send them in.. I don’t like be be kept waiting…

To see past columns, when there are any, please check out the archives!

Disclaimer: This column is  provided for entertainment purposes only and does not reflect any actual criticism of the costumes worn on True Blood.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Fangtastic Fashions and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Ask Dr. L – Halloween Edition

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

November 1st, 2009

Dear Dr.Ludwig I understand that vampires cannot have children but my question is do they still have sperm? Of course the sperm would not be able to impregnate a woman but when they orgasm would it still come out…no pun intended.

Just Curious

Dear Curious,

Let me guess- you have a lot of time on your hands, don’t you? Maybe a bit too much time to think of such silly questions as this one? And on top of that, you don’t get out a lot, either, I’ll bet. So, in an effort to simplify my responses, I will say: Yes. Enough said. This is a waste of my medical degree. Go away and find a blow up doll or something to amuse yourself.

Crankily,

Dr. L

Dear Dr. L

With all the other Dr. shows on TV daily (The Doctors, Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil) why hasn’t Dr. Ludwig been given her own show on HBO? We need Dr. Ludwig at least once a week! There are just so many unknowns out there now that vampires have crawled out of the ground and we’re hearing rumors of ’shape shifters’ (heaven only KNOWS what those are) and I swear I saw a werewolf the other day! I thought to myself, that’s just not possible.. or is it? It’s Halloween you know.. maybe just a kid in a suit. But anyway, the public is clamoring for answers to how all these odd creatures function and Dr. L seems to be the only one with answers! What can we do to help get such a show on the air?

Pensive in Pennsylvania

Dearest Pensive,

Well, aren’t you the smartest, sweetest, most clever person I have heard from in a long time! This is such a splendid idea, I don’t know why I haven’t thought of it myself. OK, so I have thought of it, and HBO now has a restraining order…but I digress.

I think these TV “doctors” are all hype. The only ones I watch are Dr. Oz, because he’s an excellent colleague- and he’s HOT, and Dr. Ruth, because she and I are quite alike. No smart ass remarks.

I completely agree, I would be a refreshing addition to the television scene, sharing my supreme knowledge of vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters, telepaths, supes of all kind- as well as the rather garden variety humans. Thank you, darling. I get the sense you are a man, and if I didn’t already have a boyfriend, I would give you a big kiss, show you my appreciation in some way.

Hear that, HBO???

Dr. L

Hi Dr. L!

I am so glad that you were able to save Sookie when she was clawed. What I was wondering…since Bill drinks from Sookie on a regular basic….why didn’t he catch on that there was something different about her??? MaryAnn knew it from the first meeting. Is it because Bill is relatively young (for a vampire) or is it something else?

Also is there any way a Vampire can have offspring with a human, or any other being for that matter.

Thank you so much for your valuable time.

Debbie in Dallas

Dear Debbie,

As to your second question, please refer to my exhaustive replies to this query in previous questions. Vampires are DEAD, honey, and dead things can’t reproduce- no matter how clever they seem to be.

And Sookie- such a sweet girl, to be so entangled with vampires. She’s in trouble, getting hurt, beat up, something or other all the time, she now has me on speed dial, bless her heart. I was glad to save her, too.

As for why Bill didn’t realize something was different- it’s an age old fact, darlin’- males are males, no matter the species. Now I am not saying they don’t have a relationship of some sort, though for the life of me I can’t understand that, but males are often, if not always, blinded by lust and sex. Sookie could have had pure garlic juice running through her veins, and Bill barely would have noticed, although I hear he did warn her to stop eating it (she double checked with me because she really misses Merlotte’s garlic bread poor thing!). You getting my drift, dear?

As for Maryann- I could have offed her MUCH faster than they did…

BTW, did you have a very short movie career.. your name seems familar…

Dr. L

Hello Dr. L

Are there vampire slayers with preternatural strength? Are there any other supernatural creatures that hunt vampires?

Steve N. in Dallas

Dear Steve,

What an interesting two pronged question you pose here. Normally., I only answer one for free, and then ask you to come in for an appointment (for a fee) to reply to the other. But I feel they are similar in nature, so I will do what I can here.

The mighty Van Helsing comes to mind immediately when I ponder a response to the first part of your question. He was never given proper or due credit for his magnetism and attraction, which I found to be preternatural. I mean, I WOULD have found them so, if I had known the great man in the flesh. Now there was a slayer to be reckoned with. He feared no one, alive or undead. He walked in to places others screamed and ran from. Ah just thinking of such power and strength makes my heart race…is it hot in here, or is it just me? But as to whether or not there is some sort of cartoonish superhero flying through the air, wearing a cape and mask to slaw the blood sucking vipers, alas, no- they don’t exist. If they did, the world would be a better place for them. Van Helsing in tights and a cape? Oh my! Now, to the second part of your query, as you know, I work closely with the supernatural community, as their healer and physician. We hold a doctor client privilege, just like any other. For me to tell you who the vamp slayers are would possibly put them in unnecessary danger, and certainly blow their well devised cover. I am sure you can understand.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom visit the archives!

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

What’s Cookin’ – Down South Oven Fried Chicken

Lafayette comin’ atcha here. Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur!  I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle.  Then at nights I cook at Merlotte’s bar where all the local necks hang out.  So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man.  I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me!  And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan’s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

Down South Oven Fried Chicken

Child, I’m gonna tell you all about a favorite here in Louisiana – fried chicken – only dis here recipe gonna be a healthy one.  Youse know we got some issues here with our people havin’ sugar and heart problems.

Just dis week, Lettie Mae went to da doctor for a checkup and low and behold, he told her she gots to get on a healthy diet.  Now I don’t know if all those years of drinking her liquor did her in or what, but I know she ain’t eat right like she need to.  I don’t always myself, but I gets my exercise when I be working it for da camera.  Tween’ church and lookin’ out for Tara, Lettie Mae don’t be getting’ no exercise and she ain’t really got time to eat like she need to.  I gots to take her next week for some tests and stuff – I hope she okay.  Tara done dealt with enough drama in da past couple of months – da last thang she need is for her mama to be sick.

You know ya boy.  I minds my bidness, but I be wantin’ to help my friends and family, so I told myself I was gonna come up wid a recipe dat da folks round here would be wantin’ to eat.  I said, “What do dey be wantin’ at Merlotte’s dat seem so fattening, but could be healthier if it was cooked mo betta?”  Fried Chicken!  So I say, how can dat be made healthier?  By fryin’ it in da oven – dat’s how.  Hookahs, if you from ‘round here, you know people be droppin’ like flies from dat heart disease and if dey not having heart attacks and strokes, dey be going to da hospital for diabetes – sugar – dat’s what da ol’ folks call it.  Louisiana got da best food fa sho, but we got da worst health right along wid it.  I hopes you hookahs enjoy dis recipe – I worked real hard on dis one.

Ingredients:

¾ cup of buttermilk

Creole seasoning (season da breasts real good)

Boneless/skinless chicken

1 tablespoon of cooking oil

1 cup of Corn Flakes (child, you won’t believe how good dat be)

Preparation:

Put da oven on 350 degrees and get ready to get to work hookahs!  Pour da buttermilk in a bowl and add some Creole seasoning to it.  Put da Corn Flakes in a Ziploc bag and add some seasoning to it.  Smash da flakes real good until dey some crumbs.  Wash yo chicken and dip it in da milk and put in da bag wit da flakes and shake until da chicken’s good and coated.  Put da oil in da pan and add da chicken – make sure ya season it again after you put it in da pan.  Cover da pan and bake for 45 minutes – den take da cover off and bake another 30 minutes.

You can serve sweet potato fries or oven baked French fries wit dis or youse can even make a Sunday dinner out dis – add some mashed potatoes, green beans and yams.  Now dat’s whassup in a healthy way.

(Photo credit: http://www.webnesia.com/2008/05/saturday-dinner.html )

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

To read more yummy Lafayette approved recipes go to the “What’s Cookin‘” archives!

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

What’s Cookin’ – Merlotte’s Red Beans and Rice

Lafayette comin’ atcha here. Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur!  I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle.  Then at nights I cook at Merlotte’s bar where all the local necks hang out.  So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man.  I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me!  And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan’s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

Merlotte’s Red Beans and Rice

Now I don’t know what all youse know ‘bout Louisiana, but you gots to know that down here, we make the spiciest dishes and I ain’t talking ‘bout myself.  I’m talking ‘bout da food we eat down here.  It’s the best you gonna find anywhere.  One dish that’s a favorite at Merlotte’s is Red Beans & Rice.

Now, youse can get some of dat smoked sausage from any of the shops in Bon Temps or you can make it yourself, but the sausage and ham hocks is the key to da flava in da dish.  It don’t matter where ya get the ham hock, long as I don’t come from that pig Andy was chasin’ all over Bon Temps.  The weather’s ‘bout to finally cool off, so go head and make a pot red beans and enjoy!

Ingredients:

1 bag of red beans (dry)

2 pounds of smoked sausage (cut up, try ta do this neater than that Maryann done!)

Ham hocks

1 yellow onion (chopped)

1 bell pepper (chopped)

1 stalk of celery (minced)

Creole seasoning

1 bay leaf

Directions:

Soak beans for several hours.  If ya got other stuff to do, go head and take care of that.  I always put a little jingle in my pocket while my beans is soaking.  I put dat video camera on and child, I goes to town wid it.  Dis is traditionally eaten on Mondays. See, folks here done their washin’ up on Mondays after a Sunday full of prayin’ and cookin’ somethin’ ta keep the meat on yer bones like a nice ham hock.  Then on Mondays they’d all be busy wit ‘Wash Day’ so’s they needed sometin’ dat din need much attention.  If yer needs ta do something likes goin’ inta town, why yer kin put them beans ta soak the night before!

After ya done soak the beans for a couple hours, go ahead and throw everything in da pot. Yer needs ta add some spice me up at dis point.  Everybody down here has der favorites and some even makes der own!  But fer Merlotte’s we use either that Crystal or Lousiana Hot sauce! Both will put the Bon Chicka Wow Wow in yer dish!  Careful yer don’t adds too much now. Cover wit water, bring to a boil and reduce heat.  Cook on low for several hours and let the dish simmer – cook til da beans are tender and yer laundry’s clean.  Serve over rice (y’all do know hows ta make rice ya?  Fer white rice yer puts 2 cups of water fer every cup of rice, bring to a boil then cover and simmer fer 20 minutes or so, don’t be peakin!)

(Photo credit: healthytastycheap.wordpress.com)

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

To read more yummy Lafayette approved recipes go to the “What’s Cookin‘” archives!

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Ask Dr. L: Babies and Vampires and V, Oh MY!

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

October 16, 2009:

Dear Dr. L,

Now that the Vampire Equal Rights Amendment has passed, it is only a matter of time before the the Vampire Marrage Act passes.
Question: If Arianna and I have kids will they be Alive or UNDEAD? For Vacation, do I take my kids to Disneyland or Calaveris Caverns?!!! Finally, If I don’t become a vampire, how do I prevent Arianna from cheating on me? I mean, at 100 human years old, I will be shriveled and imputent but she will be 400years old and look like she’s 23. FYI, Yes, I do practice SAFE SEX—I always have a piece of Silver chain in my left hand whenever I have sex with Arianna—just in case the bitch wants to ‘take liberties’. I also insist on safer sexual positions because, frankly, I have seen too many blackwiddow/Praying Mantis films on the nature channel to be…naive.

Signed
JEDIDIAH FANGBANGER III

Dear Jedidiah,
Your question is somewhat similar to others I have received in the past, and is a several fold query. I may have to ask you for a consultation fee to thoroughly respond, but I will do what I can.

As to the children issue, I want you to come very close to your computer…closer…no, closer still…now, listen to me carefully: VAMPIRES ARE DEAD (or UNDEAD, if you want to argue semantics with me, which I would not suggest) AND CANNOT BEAR OR OTHERWISE PRODUCE CHILDREN, YOU BIG DUMMY!!!  That is basic grade school science. But since you freely admit to being a “Fangbanger” and don’t realize it’s IMPOTENT, I can’t imagine you got much out of school, did you?

As to the aging, cheating issue you refer to, do I look like I care if she cheats on your sorry ass? If you want to stay “young” forever, put the silver chain in the trash can, and let Arianna have her way with you, and make you another rotten, bloodsucking scourge on this planet.
To be honest, if I were her, your insistence on just a couple of ’safe’ positions would become boring in short order, and I would look for greener pastures too. Not only that, she’s not going to eat your head because she’s not an ZOMBIE she’s a VAMPIRE (and anyway you’ve shown that your head is pretty empty and lacking in nutritive value haven’t you?). Your femoral artery is even MORE vulnerable to over-drinking by vampires because they don’t have to suck as hard to get the blood out. If you’re lucky she’ll buy you an illustrated copy of the Kama Sutra and if we’re lucky she’ll decide you’re not vampire material.

Disneyland at night is beautiful, by the way.

Dr. L (scheduling a vacation)

Hi Dr. L!

I have a special Vampire Blood Drink that I made and serve to my friends. It’s healthy and I drink it daily. I feel like a new women after drinking my special Vampire Blood Drink and my husband has been pleasantly surprised by my ‘licentious’ behavior of late. Not only that but the house is clean as a whistle and dinner is always on time although he has been complaining about the meat being ‘undercooked’! My problem is that I can’t get my children to drink it. I don’t want to ‘trick’ them into trying it but I am getting desperate.  Any suggestions? I will share my special drink recipe if requested.

June Cleaver

Mother of Beaver and Wally

Dear Mother Cleaver,
If you are getting vampire blood to mix for you and your friends, you must have one of the vile creatures chained and bound in your basement (to which I secretly say, “bravo”. Keeps them out of the bars and off the streets) so you can do a drain when needed, because that stuff is not cheap. But if I find out you are selling it I will track you down myself. That is a highly valued healing component professionals like myself use to help humanity, not as a kiddie drink. Really, do you think your KIDS should be getting a sexual stimulant? You shouldn’t even be taking it yourself without being under the supervision of a licensed doctor!

This was a set up, wasn’t it? You were fishing around, promising to “swap recipes” to see if I would slip and tell you how I extract V to keep it it’s most potent. HA! I know your type. I have been around the block a time or two, or three.  No sensible mother would want to give their kids V.. just imagine what a wreck the house would be!  Trying to ‘Fool Dr. L’ isn’t nice.. or smart!

Now leave me the hell alone, amateur.

Dr. L

Dearest Dr. L

My daughter’s vamp boyfriend is getting a little too bloodthirsty with her, she’s asked him to ‘pull out’ a bit sooner but he says he’s too carried away by her inner beauty to even hear her. She is always weak and tired and frankly her hair has turned limp and dry and she’s becoming nothing but skin and bones. She’s afraid if she refuses him, that he may seek his blood from another girl, but I think he’s going to toss her over for a more healthy looking woman any day now. What should she do?

Skinny Minny’s Mom

Dear SMM,

The old “What’s a mother to do” line comes to mind here. What do you do in this case? Can you forbid her from seeing him? Yes, you could. And she would probably climb out her window during the night, fall, break her fool neck, and just before she buys the farm, he’d turn her. This is not a theory- I saw it  happen (and you’ thought Repunzel was a fairy tale, didn’t you!)

Mom, are you a woman who likes younger men?  Are you… oh what do they call it, “cougar” type? Is your daughter’s life worth risking your own? If so, here’s what I ‘d do. Put on your war paint, push up bra, those extra special high heels, and meet the blood sucker the next time he comes to visit your daughter. You should surreptitiously send out on an errand that will take some time before hand and hide her cell!

When Mr Vamp Lover arrives, proceed to seduce him. They have no morals, so don’t worry, he won’t refuse you. Then, when he is really in the throes of passion, stake his bloodless, lifeless heart, and clean up the mess before your daughter gets home. Then get her a B12 shot, buy her lots of red meat and cook everything with GARLIC from now on.  And who knows, it might be fun to boot- I do hear the sex is fantastic, so be careful you don’t get hooked! Let me know how it goes. I’d be very interested in the details.. as a scientist of course!

Dr. L

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

To view past Q & A check the Dr. L archives!

Ask Dr. L: Humans Taste Bloody Good

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

September 16, 2009:

Dear Doctor L:

My vamp boyfriend says my blood tastes too salty, but I swear I am on a low sodium diet. What do you think is the problem, or is he trying to give me the flick for someone sweeter??

Salty Siren

Dear Doctor Ludwig:

Is there anyway to really tell if my vampire girlfriend likes me for myself, or just because I’m diabetic? Can a vampire have a sweet tooth?

Gill

Dear Salty Siren and Gill,

I will answer your questions together as you both seem to be having similar issues with your vampires. I suggest to you both eat lean red meat and liver, they are both rich sources of iron and are easily absorbed. It is a common myth that blood tastes like copper but it is actually the iron in your blood that can be tasted. If you truly want to get into the different varieties of tastes, try varying your diet with mint, pineapple juice (yes it also changes blood flavor slightly) and lime. The effects may be slight to none. Vampires cannot taste sugar in the blood as glucose is not necessary for vampires nutrition and does not provide them with energy as it does us. Vampires derive their energy from our life forces, you’ll notice that ‘True Blood’ is not caffeinated! So don’t worry about not being sweet enough or being too sweet. If your blood tastes too salty? Stop Crying like a baby every time be bites you.

One other tip that I would suggest for you? Track down an empty bottle of True Blood your Vampire drinks (O negative, A, B etc.) and look at what ingredients are on the bottle. Take the necessary vitamin supplements to match the concoction and you will be on your way to tasting fangtastic.

And humans, this isn’t a cooking advice hotline. I suggest you wiki this information before you ask a reputable doctor about flavors. Since the vamps came out of the coffin there are numerous forums on this topic.

Now Scram!

Doctor Ludwig

Tell me, is it true that the legendary Dr. Van Helsing, the tireless, humorless adversary of the infamous undead Count in Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” (and a character in so many subsequent versions of the classic story) was, like ol’ Vlad himself, indeed a real-life person and actually a vampire slayer? And beyond that, is there any truth to the rumor that you yourself are a descendant of that notorious vampire hunter?

Anon

Dear Anon,

There are many things in this life that you may not be aware of, reality and fiction blend into legend and sometimes those whom we hoped to be fictional are now feared as fact. While there is much to be admired about the literary Dr. Van Helsing, his strong commitment to his calling, his intelligence, his morals, how he turned a phrase, the way he dressed and the scent of his aftershave… er where was I?  Oh yes, I was saying how it vexes me that I must tell you that any record of a Dr. Van Helsing existing would not be a question for a Doctor such as me, but more for a historian.

As for me being a descendant of the Slayer, what preposterous nonsense. His very existence is in question yet you believe I’m his offspring? And if I were, do you think I would reveal myself and risk making enemies of my clientele? Is this a stupidity test because if so.. you’re passing with flying colors!

I will not answer your question – as you see fit to remain anonymous, I see fit to keep my personal details a secret.

I am watching you…

Doctor Ludwig

Dear Dr. Ludwig:
Is there a charity I could contribute to to further your research into appropriate medical protocols for supes?
Your work is incredibly important and deserves more support and recognition.
ToniC

Toni C,

What a generous offer, I truly appreciate people like you who wish to help me further my research by donating money to the cause of supes, how flattering, how kind.

You are right, my work is incredibly important and it deserves both significant financial support and worldwide recognition, just as it is currently receiving. How dare you suggest I am not recognized for my work. Why my work is recognized far and wide as the premier work on Vampires, Shifters and Wares as well as various other creatures best left unnamed.  I’m very well financially compensated for my healing and ‘donations’ to my research continue to flow as freely as arterial blood.  Bah! Amateur.

Unless you are a powerful force in the supernatural world I doubt you would have anything to contribute to my cause. And if you were such a person I would undoubtably be in contact with you already and if this is the case, stop by my office should you want to make a deal.

If we haven’t met before then know this now, I am not interested in charity.

Leave me alone… unless you would like to volunteer as a ‘lab rat’ for one of my experiments!

Uncharitably yours

Doctor Ludwig

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

To view past Q & A check the Dr. L archives!

What’s Cookin’ – Lafayette’s Tomatoey Goodness

Lafayette comin’ atcha here.  Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur!  I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle.  Then at nights I cook at Merlotte’s bar where all the local necks hang out.  So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man.  I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me!  And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan’s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

October 6th, 2009

Lafayette’s Tomatoey Goodness

Child, ya boy Lafayette is finally back wit anotha recipe for ya.  I been helpin’ Sook try to find Bill, but that ain’t go too well. It’s been real hectic for a hot minute ‘round here and I am ready for Bon Temps to get back to da borin’ lil place it was before Maryann and them vamps showed up ‘round here.  Watchin’ them necks get drunker than Cooter Brown at Merlotte’s is about as much excitement as I want to see for a while!

Anyways, I thought I’d treat y’all to one of ya boy’s favorite recipes – Sausage & Tomato Gravy. Ya would know that’s one of my specialties & it’s quick & easy.  And ya’ know what dey say bout tomato gravy down here in Louisiana.  If ya don’t, Google it – cuz’ I ain’t bout to tell my secret bout how I gets the mens!  And ya know down here, we make anything into sausage.  I recommend good homemade pork sausage, but ya can go to da Bon Temps Deli & they will get ya sausage out of whateva ya want.

I ain’t had much time to cook for myself lately, since I been tryin’ to find Bill for Sook, but when I do, I will be making me some of dis.

Ingredients:

-          1 pound of fresh or smoked sausage (my favorite!)

-          2 fresh Creole tomatoes (diced)

-          1 yellow onion (chopped)

-          1 bell pepper (chopped)

-          1 stalk of celery (minced)

-          1 stalk of green onions (chopped)

-          Parsley (chopped)

-          1/8 stick of butter

-          1 clove of garlic (finely chopped)

-          2 small cans of tomato sauce

-          Creole seasoning (I likes mine hot & spicy, if ya know what I mean!)

Directions:

Melt dat butter in da skillet & cut up ya sausage & brown.  Add onions, bell pepper, celery, & garlic & brown some mo’.  Add a little water & scrape da bottom of da skillet til’ ya get all the brown off (dat’s where da flava’s at) & let simmer (like ya boy been doin’).  Add tomatoes, tomato sauce & Creole seasoning.  Let cook on low bout 25 minutes or until sausage is tender.  Serve over rice or, if youse trying to watch ya figure like ya boy, serve it over a grilled, stuffed chicken breast. Now dat’s whassup!

(Photo Credit: Sue-Z http://www.ehow.com/how_2183423_cook-good-oldfashioned-tomato-gravy.html)

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

To check out my other Bon Chika Wow Wow dishes see the archives!

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

What’s Cookin’ -Tara’s Favorite Spicy Hot Jambalaya

Lafayette comin’ atcha here. Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur!  I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle.  Then at nights I cook at Merlotte’s bar where all the local necks hang out.  So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man.  I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me!  And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan’s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

Tara’s Favorite Spicy Hot Jambalaya

Ya boy Lafayette’s back in da house. I been gone for a while and Lord knows where I been. Alls I know is that I was wearing an azz-ugly dress when I came to – ya know ya boy don’t go out like that. When I got back to work at Merlottes’ da next day, I was in full effect – eyeliner and all. I got my drank on and next thang ya know, the day went from wierd to weirder. All those necks spreading rumors that you just know ain’t right, talkin’ bout aliens comin down to Bon Temps fer Godric’s sake! Someone started a rumor bout some nasty shine getting into da water and then, Andy shot Eggs! So ya know I gots to comfort Tara, I have not done right by that girl lately, ignorin’ her birthday and beatin’ on her man.. and she’s my homegirl… One of her favorite dishes is jambalaya so I went ahead and made her some. Aunt Lettie and me was eatin’ some, too, and I thought about y’all mofos and how ya hadn’t heard from me in a while. I thought I’d come back to give my people another hot recipe.

In Bon Temps, we like to make our jambalaya with any kind of meat we can get our hands on. Speaking of – ya boy ain’t been up to too much no good lately. I’m gonna have to see how I can change that. I’m bout to get that internet site back up and runnin’. I gots some crazy nasty dancin’ footage from when Eric healed my leg comin’ atcha real soon! Come check me out when ya get a chance. Ya know I don’t disappoint. Until then, here’s that recipe:

Ingredients:

• 2 pounds of chicken, deboned & sliced (plenty of that round Bon Temps)
• 1 pound of smoked hot sausage (just the way ya boy likes it)
• 2 center cut pork chops, sliced
• 2 yellow onions, chopped
• 1 bell pepper, chopped
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 1 stalk of celery, chopped
• 1 stalk of green onions, chopped
• Creole seasoning (cayenne pepper, black pepper, parsley & salt)
• 2 cups of chicken stock
• 2 cups of water
• 2 cups of rice
• 2 Tablespoons of butter

Slap da butter in a black iron pot (or Magnalite) and melt it. Throw in da chicken, sausage and pork chops. Season da meat well with dat Creole seaconing and brown it good. Add da onions, bell pepper, celery, and green onions and then scrape the bottom of da pot to loosen da browned bits – child, dat’s da good stuff ya don’t want to miss. Add chicken stock and water. Mix together and add da rice. Bring to a boil and stir it real good. Reduce to a simmer, cover and let cook on low for about 30 minutes.

Ya can grill a chicken breast or pork chop to serve over da jambalaya – just make sure ya season it real good. Da last thang ya want to do is serve meat to your guests when it’s not hot & spicy like ya boy.

(Photo credit: www.thomhackett.com)

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

To check out my other Bon Chika Wow Wow dishes see the archives!

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

“True Blood’s” Handsome Crusaders

HOLLYWOOD—“True Blood’s” Sunday night episode, titled “New World In My View,” was pulse pounding excitement with shocking twists and turns that kept the viewers on the edge of their seats. This episode featured Sam Trammell as Sam Merlotte and Ryan Kwanten as Jason Stackhouse as whole new men. Jason’s tired of being the town nitwit and when he showed up in Bon Temps with sister Sookie and vampire Bill, they were all shocked, stunned and prepared to become crusaders to save their hometown. Sam Merlotte, on the other hand, was willing to sacrifice himself for the good of his community, but did manage to shape shift into a fly once again in order to get away from the possessed citizens who were prepared to hand Sam over to the “god who comes.”

Even before the episode aired, fans of the hit HBO series were expressing their excitement about the upcoming “New World In My View” episode. Karin Aletter said, “Oh yes, 45 minutes to go. Jason, use your brain and kick some ass.” LaDonna Giron chimed in with, “Almost time folks. I want Bill, Eric and Jason to kick Maryann’s butt.” Almost all “True Blood” fans wanted to see the end of Maryann Sunday night, with Lace Piotrowski saying, “How do you think Maryann can be killed? Maybe like the wicked witch of the west? Throw something liquid on her!”

Fans were treated to the return to Bon Temps with Jason and Deputy Andy helping Sam escape the mob whose eyes were black and souls were demonic possessed. Sookie, played brilliantly by Anna Paquin, was front and center. During her battle with Maryann, we saw another power of the beautiful blonde heroine. Sookie has the power to fight whatever evil entity Maryann seems to be. Sookie, however, was not strong enough to force Maryann out of her home. Maryann and her legion of demonic possessed cronies were faced with Sookie’s return and demand that the evil woman leave her home, which she did not. Yet Maryann was also attacked by Bill, who is the vampire lover of Sookie. Bill was also no match for this diabolical force. He became extremely ill after biting Maryann, who laughed at the gesture and was very perplexed and inquisitive about Sookie’s powers as well.

Paquin was amazing as Sookie while being choked by Maryann and she was having a psychic vision while realizing that Maryann was the horned demon that chased her down and attacked her weeks earlier. Sookie is finally coming into her own and the character is finding the storyline revolving around her, much like the series of books have done. She is constantly fantasizing and dreaming about Eric, which viewers love. I’m in the minority who believes Sookie needs to be with Bill, not Eric. We’ll see what happens when Eric returns to Bon Temps next week and is enlisted to help fight Maryann.

At Merlotte’s bar, Jason Stackhouse showed up with full mechanical gear and within minutes managed to get the black eyed zombies out of the establishment in order to save Deputy Andy and Sam from the mob, which wanted to turn him over to the “God that Comes.” Only Jason Stackhouse, Andy and Sam managed to put on a light and sound show that confused the wandering souls, who collectively were convinced that Jason was the god who was coming for Sam’s soul. The mob quickly dispersed then giggled as fiends and left, while Sam had Jason and Andy confused about how he was able to disappear and reappear later. Sam promised to explain his shape shifting abilities to his new allies.

Jessica and Hoyt were back at Hoyt’s home, which he shares with his often devout religious mother, who was also under the demonic spell of Maryann. She was all over the house behaving like a teenage girl in heat instead of the sixty-plus-year-old lady she had always been. She was lusting after Jason Stackhouse when he visited and calling her son Hoyt and his girlfriend, vampire Jessica, all sorts of nasty names. By the end of the show, Jessica could not contain her rage any further. The lady told her son Hoyt, “You are half a man just like your father. A half a man and she’s a dead whore,” referring to Jessica, who leaped on Hoyt’s mom, threw him across the room and like a vicious hungry vampire began feeding on her prey.

Viewers wanted Maryann finished on Sunday night. She was not. They did, however, enjoy the witty lines and dialogue that the show’s creator Alan Ball is known best for. Carlito Carlos Carlo said he loved the line Lafayette had for his demonically possessed cousin Tara: “If there was ever a time to listen to a white man Tara, this would be it.” That was during the scene when Bill was trying to charm Tara into opening up her heart and soul and releasing herself of Maryann’s spell in order to accept the help of her best friend Sookie.

The scene in which an exhausted Lafayette and Tara’s heartbroken mother had done everything they could to help break the possession Satan had over Tara was amazing to watch. Just about the time they were at wit’s end, in came Sookie, who used her mind reading powers and her lifelong friendship with Tara in order to break the spell. The mindreader Sookie and the vampire Bill were able to achieve what Tara’s mother and even cousin Lafayette had prayed so hard for. Tara immediately came to herself, her eyes returned to normal and after apologizing to her forgiving mother, who prayed to Jesus to save her daughter’s soul, she wanted to head over to Maryann’s evil lair in order to save her boyfriend, Eggs. Luckily for Tara, Sookie and Lafayette stopped her from leaving the house.

My longtime friend Bobby Head, who loves “True Blood” and should be writing for the series, can’t get over his affection for the deceased character Daphne, who was played by my friend Ashley Jones. Jones also stars on the most watched show on the planet, “The Bold and the Beautiful.” Bobby tells Canyon News, “I can’t believe only two shows are left. What are we to do? If there was someway they could bring Daphne back to life, let her kill Maryann, we could see your gorgeous friend on the show again. I hope Maryann’s death is slow and they do lots of close-ups!” Maryann is a hotly hated villain on primetime television. The actress who plays her is incredibly talented. Diane Correia had two of the best quotes on Facebook. They were: “Don’t give me your 12 steps, just give me 12 more episodes.” Then she concluded the obvious, “Alan Ball is an evil genius.”

Jessica Snyder said, “Jason looked hot, once again with his shirt off [sic].” Well, thanks to Link 81 Collection, we have a very sexy never seen before photograph of both Ryan Kwanten as Jason Stackhouse and thanks to them for the handsome photograph of our heroic shape shifter Sam Merlotte, played with Emmy worthiness by handsome Sam Trammell.

When the episode ended, Bill was approaching a mysterious woman who we didn’t get to the face of, but had a clue who she must be because he referred to her as, “Your Majesty.” Fans went wild on the “True Blood” official site with excitement over the one person on earth who may be able to stop Maryann’s rein of terror over their favorite characters in Bon Temps.

“True Blood” is a ratings winner for the HBO network and season three is already being planned. Sam and Jason proved to be crusaders for the citizens of the tiny Louisiana town that is under the spell of Satan, known to viewers as Maryann. Here’s hoping that both men survive what is expected to be two deliciously exciting but bloody episodes left this season. Anna Paquin, Ryan Kwanten and Sam Trammell proved on Sunday night that they are capable of carrying the show even when the vampire storyline is on the backburner.

Source: Tommy Garrett on Canyon News

(Photo credit: Link 81 Collection)

Ask Dr. L: Vampires and Sex

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

September 1, 2009:

Dear Dr. L:
Your knowledge of vampires and other supernatural beings is so well known that I was hoping that you can answer a question for me.  I know that some supernatural beings have been able to impregnate female humans and I was wondering if, under a certain specific set of circumstances, vampires can procreate with humans as well? I appreciate your time and your expert opinion.
T B Fan

Dear TB fan,

First let me address your name, how, and why, does one become a fan of Tuberculosis? I am sure you know that pulmonary tuberculosis, or TB, is a contagious bacterial infection primarily involving the lungs that is spread through by breathing in moist droplets put into the air by an infected person coughing or sneezing (the medical term for that is: GHAK!)..  Nearly 1 in 10 thousand people in the US has TB at any time.

Humans are interesting creatures and though fandom may take many forms – yours is a first and it’s possible you’re sick in more ways than one.

As for your question of certain specific circumstances surrounding Vampire impregnation, honey – think of it this way. If your man has been shooting blanks for one hundred plus years, what makes you think that any form of medical circumstance could reverse this condition?

Vampires cry blood, not tears – think about that for a minute. There has been some interesting cloning research done recently with bats; interesting in that Chinese sense of the word. Vampires unique metabolism seems very well suited to reproducing themselves through cloning but so far as soon as the cloned vampire bat reaches a certain size it becomes obsessed with destroying the sourced original.   And there is another study utilizing vampirized rats that’s yielding some interesting results implicating the potential for artificially hybridizing the two species but so far the results have not been worth stopping the presses over. Not unlike the recent debacle trying to hybridize potatoes and tomatoes that ended up with a plant with poisonous roots and fruits, so far the mother has been vampirized by the fetuses stopping their advancement at the equivalent of the 3rd trimester.  Mercifully, the whole experiment has ‘met the sun’ as I can’t imagine a much worse situation than to be either an eternal fetus nor suffering an eternal pregnancy. If you still believe that you could get pregnant by a vampire, get your head out of the Twilight saga, focus on the real world and buy some condoms.

I’ve taken the liberty to book you for a complete TB screening and psychology exam stat.

Doctor L.

Hi Dr.Ludwig, As a single woman, i was always curious what it would be like to be a vampire, and always also wanted to know who supplies their blood to your cause? Eric Northman must’ve paid you in his blood or another vampire’s blood for your payment for Sookie Stackhouse’s recent treatment for her clawed and poisoned system. Also how long have you been a doctor of the supernatural world?

Christine

Dear Creeper Christine,

Although your questions are masked as medical enquiries I can see through that façade of yours. A single woman, interested in how to get her mitts on a few vials of V, always wondering what it would be like to be a Vampire. Honey I ain’t no psychologist but your introduction reads like the profile of an undercover Vampire. How long have I worked as a doctor in the supernatural world? I may be old sweetie but I am not stupid. I understand you are trying to get information out of me about Eric Northman, but I wish to know who’s district you work for. Contact me directly, and stop hiding behind this act.

Dr. L,

My friend, much to my dismay, is a dyed-in-the-wool ‘Fangbanger’. She’s been trying to set me up with a vampire and I’ve continued to tell her that I’m not interested. I’ve got nothing against the undead but I’m a traditional girl and my main interests are surfers, sun bathing, gardening and beach volleyball although lately I find myself oddly attracted to the stage… Anyway, I was at Merlotte’s the other night, and there he was! This guy is so hot just the sight of him made my toes curl! I tried to ignore him and managed to convince my girlfriend not to call him over by ordering the garlic toast, but it was if I’d been ‘mesmerized’ as David Letterman would say. If I decide to take the plunge, do I need to use any sort of protection? Can they spread disease? Should I continue to try to resist? What’s a girl to do?

Rebecca

Sunnybrook, LA

Rebecca,

If your intentions are pure then I would suggest following your heart. It is full of blood and that is one thing that vampires honestly do love. This is not a dating advice line, this is for serious medical advice only, so I shall get down to business.

As vampiric blood has the ability to cure disease and heal wounds, there would be no disease that you could contract from a vampire other than the affliction of vampirism itself and Hepatitis D which is asymptomatic in humans. The process of changing humans into vampires is not completely understood at this time but during the transformation all human infections are destroyed. Blood is the vehicle of infection but the changes go clear to the bone as well as passing the blood brain barrier causing psychological changes including the desire to feed on humans and oddly, inflating the ego.

Vampire sex is therefore oddly fairly safe unless you consider the possibilities or death.. or undeath.

If you want to stay safe I’d recommend buying a farm and staying far away from Bon Temps and  stay off the stage!  I have a friend named Em who’s got a farm up in Kansas for sale although there are occasional problems with tornadoes and some problem with a calculating scarecrow… Let me know if you’re interested I get a 2% finders fee.

Dr. L

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

To view past Q & A check the Dr. L archives!

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