Ask Dr. L — The Devil is In the Details

November 8, 2011

Ask Dr L

 

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

 

Dear readers: I am sorry for my long absence, but I have been quite busy studying new and different techniques of being a successful cougar…er, I mean, doctor to supernatural beings. Here are replies to some of the queries in my backlog:

 

Nov 8, 2011

 

Dear Dr L,
A sneaky devil broke my heart years ago, and he put a spell on me. Can you help?
Bedeviled in WV

 

Dear Bedeviled,
Well, dear, you might imagine I get this sort of question quite often. Women are usually the ones asking, but once in a while I get this question from a man. My gentler, kinder Dr L answer is to pick yourself up, find someone worthy of you and enjoy life in spite of the sneaky devil, letting him see just who and what  he missed.
The second, more “me” answer is to tell you to come in and get some of my anti bedeviled potion. It is formulated to hit each individual where he (or she) is most vulnerable. Example: Does he love his car? This will put a hex on his machine and turn it into a pile of junk. Is he a smooth talker? This will turn him into a blathering idiot around women. Is he proud of his sexual prowess? Guaranteed to turn a stallion into one of those plastic ponies on a Wal-Mart merry-go-round.
Keep me posted, and let me know if you need that potion. It’s costly, but always worth it. PS we can ship to WV, for a little extra.

Dear Dr L,
I don’t know who else to turn to, or I would. You seem kind of creepy to me, but your column does give some pretty good answers to questions that others can’t answer. So, here goes. I live near you, and I know you are familiar with the sinful, crazy goings on in my little town. I am a church going, God-fearing person, but I am starting to get a little fearful living here. I am tired of going out after dark wearing something heavy and garlic around my neck. Doesn’t lead to a very good social life, you know?
Anyhow, much as it pains me, I was hoping you’d know of some sort of full service protection against those awful vampires, as well as the werewolves and shape shifters I have come across. I want to be able to make sure anyone I have fellowship with is 100% human and normal, know what I mean?
Can you help me?
Nervous Nelly

 

Dear NN,
Creepy? ME? Well, that’s a good way to start a conversation in which you are asking for my help, isn’t it? Bet you are not the sharpest tack in the box, now are you? Because I could, theoretically, lead you to something exactly opposite of what you are asking me for, and you’d be in a real fix then, hmmm???
But, my ethical standard don’t allow me to do that- even to a sniveling cry baby like you. I suggest you come into the office and order one of my specially designed silver body suits, infused with crosses and odorless garlic throughout. You might look a little odd at first- no, strike that- you WILL look a lot odd at first, but as soon as these babies catch on, they will become all the rage. Trust me. And there is no one size fits all here- we custom make these. I mean come on, if it fits me, is it also going to fit that awful Viking? Not that he’d be able to wear it, but that was an example.
Call my office for an appointment. And creepy- I never!

Hey, hey, Dr L,
How’s my favorite little doctor hottie doing these days? You may not remember me, but I have written to you here many times before, asking you to go out with me in my tricked out 57 Chevy. You always shot me down in the past, but I am a very positive thinker, so I live in hope. Can I pick you up tonight at say, 9 pm?
Sign me,
Livin’ in hope

 

Dear “Livin'”
News flash: Hope is not only dead for you, but the ashes have been scattered all over the bayou.
I hear the blow up dolls have come a long way…

Dear Dr L,
I have a beautiful baby boy, only 3 years old. He is such a joy to my husband and me, and we are so happy to have him. We couldn’t have children of our own, and we adopted him through rather shady channels, as we are older, and not qualified for regular adoptions.
I’ll just get right to the point. Our baby has begun to display some rather troubling behaviors. We have noticed that when he has an itch, he will scratch it just as easily with his feet as with his hands. When the moon is full, he sometimes makes growling noises, and last time, he full-out howled. But most disturbing was last week, when I went into the bathroom after he’d asked to go in there and I found him, well, licking himself dry. I was horrified.
Can you help us, please? We love our son, and we want him, no matter what, but is there anything you can do?
Mom in distress

 

Dear Mom,
Well, I do understand people wanting children. I never wanted any myself, as not only am I too busy in my career to raise a child, but also, he or she would likely be taller than me by the time they went to school. So I can’t exactly empathize, but I hope I can advise you.
First, let’s just get to the truth: It sounds like you have a baby were or shifter. You are in luck, because I do have a behavioral group at my clinic that helps train these “unique” children- sit, stay, roll over, etc. And, if you enroll today, I’ll give a half price on all vaccinations, including rabies and parvo.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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Ask Dr. L — The Return of Dr. Ludwig!

August 4, 2011

Ask Dr. L

Watch for Dr. Ludwig to return to True Blood this Sunday Aug 7, 2011!

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

July 21, 2011

Dr. Ludwig,
I am writing in an official capacity as sheriff in Bon Temps. It has come to my attention, in an official manner, of course, that you might be in possession of large amounts of “V”, and I want it.  I mean, I want to confiscate it for official purposes, of course. Not that I would ever want it for anything other than completely legal reasons, of course.
I will expect an answer from you within the hour, if not sooner. I could not find your phone number or your address, which is rather unusual for a lawman like me to not be able to find. But damn it, I know you have the stuff and I want it! For official, legal purposes, of course.
Sign me,
Sheriff A. B.

 

Dear A.B.,
Well, well, well- what have we here, hmmmmm? Your letter comes off as a bit jittery and, well, desperate. Could it be that a recovering substance abuser got ahold of some illegal “V” and got himself hooked on a new vice? Again, I say, “Hmmmmmm…”
Now, first of all, my clinic is not within your parish- so you are trying to play out of bounds. Shame on you! And the law protects me as a doctor and a healer for keeping this powerful substance in my clinic for healing and research use. Nothing illegal here for you to confiscate.
And as for not finding my address or phone number, I have been around for a while- a very long while- and my patients are repeat business or come by referral. Basically, if you have to look for me in the phone book, you probably can’t afford me anyhow.
Now, you didn’t hear this from me, but maybe you ought to try the inbreds in Hot Shot…
Sign me, Disgusted

 

 
Dear Dr L,
My wife told me to write to you, because she’s about fed up enough to kick me out. See, I went to a dog fight a couple weeks ago, and I saw a Rottie rip a pit’s throat almost open. When the pit’s handler took her out, I went to see how the dog was doing, and I swear that handler was leading a WOMAN out to the truck, and she had a bleeding throat! Now, I’d had me a beer or two, sure, but I was not that drunk.
Now, I look at all the critters here on the farm a little different. I mean, the swish of our old milk cow Bossy’s tail might be someone else sending me a message- know what I mean? Not that I am gonna do anything about it, but I am seeing the world in a whole new way. My wife says I am just sick. What do I do?
Animal Lover

 

Dear Lover Boy,
Where have you been? I mean, what rock have you been living under? Supernatural beings, including shifters, have been “out” for some time now. You mean you are just catching on to this? Do you even have TV signals out in the boonies where you must be?
My best advice to you would be to get over it- or to quote one of my idols, Cher, in the film, “Moonstruck”, “Snap out of it!” As she slaps Nicholas Cage’s face. So tell your wife to slap the snot out of you. If you need me to do it, drop on by- I’ll slap you into the middle of next week, and since you wrote in here, I’ll give you a reduced rate.

 

 

Dear Dr. Ludwig,
I am told you and I have known each other for many years- that you have, in fact, worked for me and my people many, many times. I am told you are the doctor for supernaturals who have problems they cannot overcome on their own. My problem- I do not remember any of this now, as I have had a curse put on my by a coven of witches, which has erased my memory. People seem to fear me, but I do not know why. I’d be far more afraid of those witches than of little old me. You should see what they did to my assistant’s face.
Can you help me, Dr Ludwig? Can I trust you?
Sheriff E. N.

 

My, my- TWO sheriff’s in one posting…
Well, Mr. Viking, what can of worms have you opened that you can’t close by yourself this time? Are you just yanking my chain, to get me over there so you can return tit for tat and insult me as I did you last time we met? We have been through many events, you and I, but this one seems to take the cake. I’ll make a house call, if you tell me where you are, just to see you as this whimpering wuss you seem to be right now. I probably can’t do much- that’ll be up to the witches. But I sure want to see you like this. I will even do it for free- and you know how big that is for me. No wait, you don’t know, so never mind. I’ll charge double.
As for your assistant, have her give me a call. I know how vain she is about her looks.
Your favorite doc

 


Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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Ask Dr. L — Putting the V in Evil

May 12, 2011

Ask Dr. L

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

March 21, 2011

Hey Doc!

I’ve got a question y’all might be able to answer. I heard if you combine V with Tequila and True Blood after 3 days in a sweat lodge, ya kin see God. Is this true? Does the phase of the moon matter? Does where you do it matter? Like are there holy places which are more suitable?

Sign Me,
Sweatin’ It

Dear Sweaty,

I would really love to know who wrote this question for you. You obviously can’t read, therefore can’t write, either. Do you wonder how I know you can’t read? Because you obviously have never read my column, or you would know I NEVER advocate using V for anything other than medical and healing purposes!!! The nerve!

But I might suggest you go into your sweat lodge, mix some tequila with True Blood (minus the V), and drink this potion while sweating. You might see God…or Jerry Garcia.

Now leave me alone!

Hey Doctor L,

I’m pregnant with my 3rd child only… only the father is a serial killer what was living with me and my babies for months! Needless to say, he was put down like the dog he was… but now, I keep having horrible dreams. I jes know this child is EVIL, you know what I mean? I even tried to abort it myself in the woods with a witch but it didn’t work, I mean, I bled out, but the baby was just fine. This can’t be a good sign.. can it?
A for Anguished

Dear Anguished,
Before I answer your question, I have one of my own, to you. Why on earth do women stay with evil men, once they see their true natures? You say he was living with you and your babies. Why not kick his sorry butt out? And if it were me, if I were in fear of him (which in my case is highly unlikely), I’d kill him in his sleep, and tell God he died.
Anyhow, you’re right, if a witch in the woods can’t rid you of this child, nothing can. You’re stuck carrying and giving birth to another monster. Now, if you’d come to see me in my office, I could certainly have helped you, at least with the tests to prove whether or not the baby is, indeed, evil. But you brought in a witch, so my hands are now tied. They carry some ugly energy that even I don’t want to tangle with.
Sorry. Have a nice day.

 

Howdy,

I would never take V but there’s talk that mixing it in with a cucumber and cocoa butter face mask for eight hours at night will eliminate all these darn wrinkles and cure your acne too. Is there any factual basis for this? I swear my girlfriend Darla has been splashin’ the V for a few weeks now and she IS looking better. Have you heard of any studies about this sort of thing. I mean, it’s expensive I know but keepin your good looks is priceless!

Call Me Bags
OK, “Bags” it is,
Just when I think the questions can’t get any more frivolous, you come along and prove me wrong. Do you realize why V is expensive? Well, DO you? It is because it is not easy to come by. Though all vampires I know are blood sucking fiends who still greatly enjoy drinking human blood often, they aren’t exactly of the mind that turn about is fair play, and are not keen on sharing their blood, from which the precious V is extracted. So even if I had heard of studies of mixing V with cucumbers and cocoa butter to smear on your saggy face, I would not tell you. Go shoot up some Botox.

Ma boy has been seein’ a vampire we’ll call J. and she’s just got him all twisted around. I hate these vampires, I mean, who do they think they are actin like normal folks. My baby won’t have no babies if he stays with this gal. Is it so wrong of a mama to want to see some grandbabies before she passes on? And the worst part is this gal wears red shoes! I mean, you just know she’s a hussy. I’ve tried setting him up with a good Baptist gal but he threw her over like yesterday’s leftovers. I suppose it could be worse — he could be datin’ a Catholic. Anyway.. do you have any advise for me? He won’t even speak to me now and he won’t take me to Bingo neither.
Future M-I-L to a Vamp!

Dear M-I-L to a V,

I’m just taking a shot in the dark here, but you’re a really fundamental religious nut, aren’t you? I mean I don’t have any love lost on vampires myself, but to call this female fiend a hussy because she wears red shoes? I happen to love red shoes- and I am NOT a hussy- a cougar, perhaps, but no hussy!
But, to address your problem, I’d say the best way to assure he stays with “J” is to keep throwing those Baptist gals his way. I mean you are aware that vampires are very sensual and sexual creatures. As a rule, good Baptist gals are not. You getting my drift, Mama? Get your head out of your butt and leave the kid alone.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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Ask Dr.L — Check Under Your Bed!

March 21, 2011

Ask Dr. L is a True Blood parody on Dr. Ludwig

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

March 21, 2011

 

Hi Dr. L,

My mommy says there aren’t any mosters that live under the bed or in the closets but she also said there were no vampires and now you see them all over the news! I figure you’ll tell me the truth. So.. is there a monster under there?

Sleepyhead

Dear Little Tyke,

You did, indeed, come to the right place for truth. Because if I don’t know the truth, I can, and will make it up.
Honey, not only are there vampires out there, but there are also werewolves, shapeshifters, witches and faeries who are not exactly Tinkerbelle. The last thing I would worry about, if I were you, is the monster who lives under your bed.  You’re what, 7 or 8? And you can’t be very large, so you must have a small bed. He can’t be all that big to slip in and out from under your bed every night. So don’t give him another thought. Now, nighty night- and sweet dreams!

 

Hey Toots,

Was wonderin’ howsya feel about datin’ a werewolf from Jersey? I gots style and even one o dem fancy horns what plays different tunes so’s when I picks ya up I can honk out da theme ta “Love Story.” So what’s ya say? My moms always wanted me ta date a doctor.

Fuzzy Dice

Dear Dicey,

Excuse me, while I go take a shower, to wash away the slimy residue that crept over me as I read this letter from you. Euuuuwwwwww! Tell Mom you will have to go elsewhere to look for your dream doctor. I rarely date werewolves- and NEVER anyone from Jersey! (especially one with fuzzy dice). Try Dr. Ruth…

 

Hi,

I was curious if you know anything about that new astrological sign? I used to date a Scorpio and it wasn’t a very good match. We fought all the time. But now, he’s under that new sign Ophiuchus and I was wondering if I should give him another shot. He definitely had his advantages.. if you know what I mean!

Sign me,

Ophiucurious

Dear O-Curious,

You see, even though I am a woman of science and medicine myself, I sometimes think these guys with their big telescopes and such get a little bit bored, and just look for stuff to mess with us about. I mean, come on- after all these millions of years, they suddenly find a “new” horoscope sign? Personally, I think they were a bunch of geeky guys at a planetarium, smoking a little something, thinking if they came up with something cool like changing the whole astrological system, that would turn them into chick magnet. I mean, look at the name- seems it could be pronounced, O-F*#k us, doesn’t it?
And I’m with you on the Scorpio guys. They have a lot of stamina, but they are moody creatures. Don’t take a chance.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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Ask Dr. L — Healthy Addiction?

February 22, 2011

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

February 22, 2011

Dear Dr. L,
With the flu season hitting the humans hard, most of the humans I have been dining with have had the flu vaccine in them. This has given their blood and very unique and wonderful flavor. I fear I may be getting addicted to the new flavor and have very little hope of going back to the regular flavor. I was wondering if you might know where I can get some flu vaccine to use or how I might wean myself off this new flavor?

Regards,

In Perfect Health

Dear Healthy Friend,
You know, of course, that I wouldn’t care if the whole lot of you took a sunbathing vacation and obliterated yourselves, except that I need your blood for it’s healing properties. Otherwise, I would try to add some garlic juice to some flu vac and give it to you. Drat! What’s a doctor to do?
So, call me and set up an appointment. We’ll trade- your blood for a supply of flu vaccine, sans garlic. It won’t be an even trade, mind you- I have staff to pay and all. But it will be as fair as I can be with low lifeless scum.

Hi Dr. L,
Just got a quick question for ya.
Will a vampire’s fangs grow back if they are pulled out?

A Little Curious

Dear LC,
Just a quick question for you- do you actually HAVE a life? And if so, how on earth do you find the time to come up with such ridiculous questions? Jeeze Louise, give me a break!
But tell you what, you get close enough to a vamp to pull out the fangs, and then let me know. I’ll be sure to monitor the situation and get back to you.

Dear Dr. L,
My no good, lying, cheating ex-husband left me. Now, ordinarily I’d be happy. But he also left me with his seven year old son from his first marriage and who I believe might be a shape shifter. He growls in his sleep and sometimes I catch him sleepwalking and “marking his territory” inside and outside of the house in the middle of the night. What can I do for the little fellow besides putting him to bed in a big kennel every night?

Sincerely,

The Step Mom

Dear Step,
Bravo for you getting rid of your ex. I’ve been with my share of those kinds myself, and a few of them actually survived. But I digress…
Your little gift he left behind does sound like a bit of a problem. All of the behaviors you mention are earmarks of shifters. Personally, I think the crate idea is a good one, but I am not sure the powers that be would go along with that.
Why not set up an appointment with my office and bring the little tiger in? I take cash, check and most major credit cards, and I will do the best I can to house train him for you. Oh, and would you like him to learn any cute little tricks while we are at it?

Hey Dr. L,
Something happened to my cows. I was out in the field the other day and noticed four large marks in the field, bigger than my tractor, it looked like the earth was scorched. Two days later, I discovered nearly all my cows were pregnant. Dr. L, since we inseminate our cows, there’s just no way that they could all be pregnant. Do I take a chance that the cows are carrying some sort of mutant calfs or just ship the lot of them off to the meat packing plant?

Thanks Cher,

LaRoy Thibodeaux

Dear LaRoy,
Oh come on, whre’s your sense of adventure, of joi de vivre? (that’s real French, you know). What an opportunity for scientific advancement! I personally would love to see what your cows produce, and I know many others in the medical and scientific comunity would, as well.
So please, keep me posted. And then, if they start dropping two headed creatures with big, buggy eyes, I say EVERYONE OFF TO THE MEAT PACKING PLANT. PRONTO!

Dr. L,
I just turned 13 and had the best birthday party ever. The problem was right after I blew out my birthday candles I started seeing things. At first, I thought someone spiked the punch, but nobody else seemed bothered by it. I want to tell my parents but I’m afraid they’ll send me away like they did my Granny when she said she could see other people between the lines. I didn’t know what she meant, but that’s just exactly like what I see. People between the lines, in between the colors. Does this make sense? Should I tell my parents that I see them or is there a way I can make them disappear?

Hope you can help,

Britney (that’s not my real name though okay)

Dear Britney (or not Britney- that is the question…oh, I LOVE Shakespeare!),
First of all, congratulations for living long enough to reach the age of impossibility, of angst, of self hatred and hatred of others. It’s a real milestone.
Now, as for your problem, it is not really a problem at all. I have known people like your granny (in fact, I think I knew your granny…). Maybe in less enlightened times, the rank and file felt these people were crazy. But now, everything goes. You ever watch TV and see these folks talking to dead people? They make a bundle, and have a long waiting list of people wanting to pay to see them. So I say use it, make people pay you to tell them what you are seeing. Then, when you make enough money, you can make an appointment with me, andI have an elixir to cure what ails you.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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Ask Dr. L — New Year New You

January 7, 2011

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

January 7, 2011

Dear Dr. L,
Please HELP! My parents are way strict. I’m home schooled and the only time I can get away from them is when they let me go on church youth group outings to witness to non-believers in other towns.
Well, two weeks ago I knocked on this one lady’s door and she invited me in and I thought she was really nice. She listened to everything I had to say. Heck, she listened so long that I parched myself out! I know it’s wrong, but I couldn’t help it and when she offered me a glass of sweet tea, I accepted. Even though we’re told not to accept anything from the unclean, the tea tasted wonderful.
Now though, I think maybe I was poisoned or something. Ever since that day, I been feeling real happy, I mean even when mama asks me to rub her feet, I’m happy. It doesn’t bother me at all like it used to. That’s not the bad part though, the worst part is I keep having to hide my sheets!!
Every night I dream I am shooting fire from my fingertips and the fire just zaps anyone who told me I couldn’t do something that day, into a pile of ash while I laugh. I’m always happy when I wake up, till I look down and see scorch marks where my fingers are lying on the sheets.
Dr. L, please, please tell me I’m not a witch or something. I just know my family would burn me at the stake or drown me if I am.
How can I stop burning my sheets without being going back to being miserable again?

Sad I’m So Happy

Dear Sad..or is it Happy?
Seems you’re from a really religious family. My ideas about organized religions of any type likely do not mesh with yours. But that being said, I will do my best to answer your questions. Short answer: Yes, you got zapped by the tea. Those pesky witches really like to play with religious folks. Maybe it’s some form of payback for the burning at the stake and drowning thing, you think? And it really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, as I think you all are a bunch of overzealous fanatics.
To tell you the truth, I was a bit concerned over your statement about the need to change your sheets every day. Though you did not indicate this, I sense you are a young male person. And of course, being strictly religious, you are not allowed the pleasures of the flesh with someone else. So the sheet thing kind of grossed me out, till you talked about the fiery fingers. OK- I’m better now. I do have a cure for that, and you can make an appointment to come in. (I take cash, check and most major credit cards). But, as a caveat, I have to warn you, the happy goes away with the fire. Your choice.

Dr. L,
Is there such a thing as a “truth serum” for vampires? My boyfriend says he loves me, and says he doesn’t want to drink my blood but it’s irresistible to him. He tells me that it’s torture to be so close to me and not touch me, but that if I give him time he’ll prove that I can trust him not to drain me.
I told him there’s no way I can go any further unless I know he’s in this relationship for the long haul. Even though he cries bloody tears, my friends assure me that they are crocodile-vampire tears and that if a vamp’s mouth is moving, he’s lying.
Dr. L, how can I be sure the vampire that I want to trust is telling the truth?

Skeptical Shelly

Dear SS,
Good girl for being skeptical. And I LIKE your friends- but they stole my favorite line, “if a vamp’s mouth is moving, he’s lying.” So, rather than lead you down a very unlikely and undoubtedly expensive garden path of coming to see me for a truth serum for these vile, lying creatures, who wouldn’t know Truth if it bit them in their respective asses, I will just suggest you find another boyfriend of the breathing variety. Good luck!

Hey, Doc!
I hope you can settle a bet I got with my girlfriend. We was makin out at the bog last weekend. It was a night of pure magic, ya know, Lynyrd Skynyrd on the boom box and a case of Lone Star beer that was actually cold, thanks to the cold snap the night before. Anyway, things was going great, Mandy was dancin’ in the headlights when I noticed a movement across the water. I swear, I saw a little red haired man digging a hole or somethin. I told Mandy to look and she did, but she’s so dumb, she said she thought it was a goat. So I asked her what kinda’ goat only has two legs, and she says her uncle Billie’s goat can walk on two legs. He was even at the state fair last year. So we made a bet, is there such a thing as Leprechauns?
Please say, yes, Dr. L. Otherwise, I gotta’ wash her “unmentionables,” and trust me, after seeing her drawers, I’m ascared to find out what her “unmentionables” are. But if I win, Mandy’s gotta’ wash the four wheeler down, every time I come back from mud buggin’ for the rest of the year!

Mr. Clean

Dear Baldy (it’s a joke, in reference to Mr Clean…OK, forget it),
Is this some kind of joke? I mean, I live in an area crawling with otherworldly creatures of every ilk (that means “kind” or “sort”, by the way). And being OS less than tall stature myself, you choose to ask me about a wee type. I swear, if I find out you’re making fun of me, I will find you and slap you silly. Oh wait, you already are…again, forget it.
Clean one, there is nothing you can think of or imagine that doesn’t exist, either in this dimension or in others that they can pop in and out of to come here. So tell that gal of yours to wash her undies in the warm, soapy water she’s going to have to use to clean your 4 wheeler.
And I daresay, you say one of my kin folk- cousin Paddy. Tell him hi from Cousin Doc next time.

Dr. L,
I’m a member of the Fellowship of the Sun. My parents and my cousins and my brothers and sisters are all believers. However, last month I met a boy while I was working at Sonic. At first, I thought he was just a really good skater, like good enough to be in the Olympics or something, but then I found out he was really a Vampire! He’s really nice to me though, and when I fall behind, he always makes up my rounds and he even gives me the tips.
He asked me if I wanted to go to the midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show next weekend. The problem is, the next morning I’m supposed to be up at four in the morning so we can go picket the Vampire Casket Company outside of Beaumont. Dr. L, will I burn in hell if I lie to my parents and tell them my sorority sisters are having another “Hello Halo” sleepover that night?
Sincerely,

Virginia

Dear Virginia,
Dear Goddess, what is going on with the religious fanatics going to the dark side this week? Not that I have any more love or respect for the Fellowship Fanatics than I do the slimy vampires, but there must be something in the water- or the tea (please read the first query).
Let me make myself clear- I hate vampires. I only tolerate them for their blood, as it has phenomenal healing qualities. I don’t trust one any further than I can throw one. But, your question as to whether or not lying to your parents, who are obviously buying lies on a daily basis if they are part of the Fellowship of the Sun, would cause you to burn in hell- no, it won’t. But spending a lot of time with a vampire might make you wish you were in hell.
Just saying.

Dear Dr. L!
OMG! OMG!! Totally Freaking Out! Been dating this one guy for three months now. Always seemed to work out on a full moon that he had to pull a double shift. Since I’m a werewolf myself, it was a relief that I never had to break a date or change plans. However, he’s just confessed that he’s a were also! I was sooo happy, until he told me he’s a were sheep! OMG, Dr. L! I’m a werewolf! Who knows? I mean, I may have eaten his mother or sister or something!! Sheep are so delectable! No wonder I’ve wanted him like no other. What am I supposed to do?! Of course, I should leave him, but I’m afraid I love him too much to let him go! But what will happen when we are both in our animal form?!

Shy but Deadly.

Dear Deadly,
A little known fact is that in addition to being a universally renowned and respected doctor to humans and supernaturals alike, I also happen to be an amazing gourmet chef. I have a superb recipe for rack of lamb with mint sauce. I’ll send it to you.
Bon Appetite!

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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Ask Dr. L — Tis the Season

December 20, 2010

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

December 20, 2010

Dear Dr. L,
My dear husband and I are normal, elderly folks. We don’t smoke, drink (well … maybe a little now and then) or smoke wackyweed. We are law abiding, upstanding citizens.
Unfortunately, about 3 years ago we happened to have HBO and saw a show on a Sunday night that we thought we might like. As a matter of fact, we REALLY like the show. I mean, We REALLY really like the show!
The show is named True Blood. Have you ever heard of it? It has a pretty little telepath, a couple or 3 knockout vampires, some hot werewolves and awesome shapeshifters.
Now our problem is this. The show only lasts about 4 months at the time. And … we have become … adicted. Adicted to the show and the cast and the writers and the crew and the websites and the – well you get the picture.
PLEASE! Dr. L. Can you help us?
Yours truly,
Grannie for 7

Dear G7,
(sounds rather like a disease…or one of those useless political summits),
I lead a very full, busy life, and have very little time for frivolous things like TV shows- and little patience for those who become addicted to them. BUT, in this case, you may not realize that our little town, Bon Temps, is not just a work of fiction. Having treated Miss Sookie Stackhouse myself, I can tell you she is very real, as is her vampire boyfriend and that awful sheriff vampire, Eric. (One of these days, he and I will have a showdown…).
Anyhow, I hear often that people are in despair that the show revolving around our town is only on four months. Please, think of those of us being followed by those TV people, cameras, etc. We need a break, my friend!
As for your addiction, I do treat people in my office who are addicted to those slimy vampires. So please, call my office and set up an appointment. I take cash, check and most major credit cards. I’ll have you and Gramps vampire free in, oh about 15 or 20 visits. (ka ching…)

Hi Dr. L,
I’m currently dating a vampire, who has promised me he would stick “true” to only drinking “True Blood.” He knows that I’m very finicky when it comes to my own blood and he has pledged to never drink my blood without my permission. I also am a very pure girl who wants to wait until the perfect moment before…giving…myself to him. Therefore, ruling those two things out, and given the time of year….do you have any thoughts on what I can get my vampire-beaux for Christmas? I don’t really know what else they need or want…

-Secret Santa

Dear Secret,
Reading your letter makes me realize people must really fall off of turnip trucks. Either that, or there is an outbreak of stupid going around. Methinks it might be the latter…
First of all, who believes any promises from lying vampires? To believe he will stick to True Blood, well, that’s like asking pigs to stay out of mud. Ain’t gonna happen. Not to ruin your fantasy, or anything,Pollyanna, but there are plenty of Fangbangers out there ready and willing to stick their necks out (among other things) to quench your vampire boy’s lust.
So, my True advice for you is, give him a nice silver neck chain for Christmas…

Greetings Dr. L,
I’m a HR rep for my corporation. One of our crews has a night shift, and since we are an Equal Opportunity Employer, we hired a vampire who seems more than qualified to complete the job set required of him. However, he has recently inquired about health benefits and I was unsure of how to respond, considering that they are technically dead. I was wondering if perhaps you knew of any other organizations that have run into this problem and if there is any sort of literature on the subject.
Thank you!

HR Holly

Dear HRH,
This is an excellent question, and I am glad you brought it to me. Though it does seem highly unlikely a dead creature would need any medical attention, they actually DO now and then. This also applies to the shifters, weres, faeries, and otherworldly beings.
The most important question you need to ask is, WHO will treat these beings in their times of need? Again, I am glad you asked. Well, OK, so I asked, but nevertheless…let me reassure you that I, Dr. Ludwig, am the gold standard in treating any and all of the above mentioned folks, so I would be delighted to be contracted to your company as their healthcare provider. My fees may be just a teeny, tiny bit higher…OK, so they are a LOT higher, but who else is going to risk treating something that could wipe them out with one bite? But I am not afraid of any vampire- or other creature of the night- or day. Call me.

Dr. L — I need your help! I’m a teenager and well…I recently turned into a cat. I mean,obviously I’m back as a human, but I’m really hoping that the explanation was that I’m a shifter. My parents never mentioned anything…so I don’t know. But that’s not the point. I told my boyfriend and he was a little freaked out, but he told me that despite this new development he never wants me to “change.” Well I can’t help but change…it’s what I do!!! Is there anyway I can save my love life?

-Sadface Shifter

Dear Miss Kitty,
First off, I think your boyfriend is lacking in imagination. I know I have dressed up as a cat in my little love play scenarios, and it has been wildly popular. But we won’t go there…
There are some rather intricate, involved treatments one can undergo- at my clinic of course (I take cash, check and major credit cards) to stop or at least lessen the frequency of shifting events. If you are interested, give my office a call.
But personally, I would just go with it. Cats see more action than most humans (well, excluding moi, of course..). Where do you think the term “catting around” came from? And you can easily climb trees, feel the wind in your whiskers as you run free, eat all the sushi you want- I say, have kitty litter will travel!

Hey,
I’m a Werewolf and for obvious reasons I live out in the country to try to stay away from people in case I can’t control my changing. There are a couple of farms out there. There are also some REAL wolves that are attacking live stock and I swear I have nothing to do with it. But the local farmers are ready to beat down my door like I’m Frankenstein’s monster. Any ideas on how I can clear my name?

Weary Were

Dear Weary Were,
I have heard this same story many times. Of course, the wild wolves are only trying to survive. Yet, those farmers, usually rednecks, are ready to shoot the ass off of a poor wolf for trying to feed her family (yes, it is usually the female who does the hunting and feeding- lazy males!). Personally, I wouldn’t mind seeing some of these trigger happy farmers put out into the wild to fend for themselves, naked, no food or water, no guns (except if I had to see them naked, I’d probably wish I’d put Drano in my eyes instead) and let the wolves chase them around for a few days.
But none of this answers your query. I suggest you move on over to my area- like near Bon Temps. The area is thick with your kind- you’ll fit right in.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

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Ask Dr. L — Up in Smoke

November 19, 2010

November 19, 2010

Dear Dr. L,

I am the mother of a beautiful, 11-year old daughter who is quite intelligent. She has always been quite interested in current events and loves to watch the news on TV. She likes Matt Lauer in the morning, Diane Sawyer at dinnertime, but she is CRAZY for Anderson Cooper of CNN’s AC360 when she goes to bed. And that is the problem! Ever since that crazy vampire, Russell Edgington ripped the spinal column out of the anchor during that infamous newscast she has had a recurring nightmare. And, there’s the problem because sometimes her dreams come true. It’s like she has a special power. And I’m wondering if you can tell me how I can help her. In her nightmare, a vampire is trying to rip poor Anderson Cooper to shreds while he is standing on a beach in a hurricane during an earthquake while miners are buried deep within the earth and are being attacked by werewolves. By the way, I don’t even think werewolves exist, do you? What do you make of her dream? Do you think she is losing her mind? Should we warn Anderson?

Sincerely,

Mother of a Newsie

Dear Mother,

I can understand your concern. Having a child who is addicted to the news must be a terrible burden to bear. I can’t even turn the crazy stuff on without getting sick to my stomach. Personally, I find FOX news the most horrific of all. I have nightmares myself, of having to say the words, “President Palin”. But then, that wasn’t really your concern, was it?

If you want to believe there are no werewolves and vampires, please go indulge yourself. I won’t try to stop you. Russell Edgington was not real, and he did not do what your daughter thinks she saw (wink, wink). And even if he were real, Anderson Cooper might be a target for him, but not as someone to rip a spinal column out of…do you get my drift, here, Mumsie?

Hope this helps. If not, you may make an appointment and bring your “prophetic” daughter to see me.

Dear Dr. L,

I come from a military family. Generations of my family on both sides have served in the military. My parents have decorated their home in red, white and blue and camouflage. My mother is crazy about all things patriotic. My one and only brother served in the Gulf War and came home suffering from PTSD really bad. For a long time he really didn’t have any good relationships, but in the last few months he met and moved in with a really nice waitress from the bar where he’s a cook. She has a few kids that he’s crazy about, and they’re expecting a baby. My mom wants to give them a shower with a “military” theme. She’d like everyone to bring the baby military type toys (guns, tanks, camo outfits, etc.). She thinks it will be cute and will encourage the baby to follow the in the “family business.” I’ve told her that given my brother’s experience in the war, this is a bad idea but she won’t listen. What can I do?

Sincerely,

Army Brat

Dear Brat,

Let me ask you something- have you ever thought of running away from your crazy mother and family? This sound like a trip. Bringing guns and ammo to a baby shower- unreal.

I do treat people with PTSD. A few of them make it. So if you want to bring your brother in, I take cash, check and major credit cards. I can pretty much assure your nusto mother that a baby shower theme like she is planning may send the SWAT team to the house…

But hey, it sounds like a kick in the pants. If you do it, please invite me!

Dear Dr. L,

I am really in love with my new vampire boyfriend. I mean REALLY in love. How badly will it hurt him if I tie him up with silver chains? I don’t want to lose him.

Sincerely,

The Old Ball and Chain

Dear OBC,

You are new to my column, aren’t you? Otherwise, you would know I don’t give a rat’s patoot how much this might hurt your boyfriend! But hey, if you don’t want to lose him, why not give it a try? I’ll make a free house call- really!-I’ll even bring the popcorn!

Dear Dr. L

I am a new vampire and so is my girlfriend. We have kind of gotten into some rough sex practices. Nothing too serious, and of course, we heal right away. But we were wondering, can we bite each other? We don’t dare ask our makers?

Sincerely,

Vamp on Vamp

Dear Vamps,

As if you and your kind did not already disgust me enough to make me puke, now you ask me about your kinky sex practices! Sheesh!

Go ahead- bite each other. If it causes a problem, call me. I only charge vampires triple my usual fee.

Komon ou ye, Dr. L?

I lives jest outside o’ Bon Temps in a little place I laik to call my gator motel. It ain’t pretty but the roof doan leak.. much! LOL Now heah las’ week I was cleanin out the crawdad trap when dis heah cat da size of a pony comes runnin’ up. I thought I was a seein’ stuff like before when I was in da war back in da sixties. I swear I ain’t teched none o dat whacky tabacki in 40 years, and I haint touched the V since them folks over at Hot Shot been actin out all da times. I knows swamp gaz can sometimes do funny stuff ta ya. It ain’t that I nevah seen a panther down heah. But I nevah seen one dat stopped ta check out ma catch. Dat cat stuck it’s claw down in da bucket I had them ‘dads in and let one grab her claw and then flipped it in the air and et it down whole. I swear, she winked at me then runs off. I knows yer normally doan handle us jes plain vanilla folk but does ya think I be couyon?

Gaitor

What’s up, G?
(I always wanted to say that!)

Well, your query is the most interesting in this batch. First of all, to refer to yourself as “plain vanilla folk” made me roll on the floor and laugh my a$# off! You have not seen this side of normal in many a moon, if ever, my friend!

As for your cat the size of a pony who grabbed your ‘dad and et it down whole- get used to it. Living around Hot Shot you are likely to see almost anything. There are lots of rumors of odd creatures down there that even I haven’t seen. Plus I heard they had a big bust up that way not long ago and burned some serious crops harvests, if you get my drift. And even if you don’t get my drift my guess is you could have gotten the drift from the ‘barn burning’ that went on. Either that cat was real, super real you might say, and you really saw her, or there was a little extra in that swamp gas this week. I have no help for whichever one is true.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

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Ask Dr. L — All in the Family

September 21, 2010

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

September 20, 2010

So Dr. L,

I’m kinda confused by the whole “making” a vampire thing or what did they call them, “prodginey?”  Eric even said, “the only vampire you can trust is the one you made.”   Is it vampire law or just the way vampires work that they can only make one vampire?  Like can Bill make another vampires now that he has Jessica?  If Jessica were to die can he make another?  Franklin also mentioned making Tara his bride, is the bride the same as a child?  Lots of weird relationships going on when it comes to the fangs.

-Genalogical Gary

Dear GG,

First of all, did you mean “progeny“? Because for the life of me, I can’t figure out what a “prodginey” is… Sheesh!
OK, now that we’ve had a spelling lesson, let me address your question. I personally feel this idea of vampires only being able to make one evil spawn of themselves is just to lull humans into feeling safer than they really are. In fact, I can see no reason that these foul creatures could not turn as many people as they had the opportunity to. I think they just don’t do it very often, because the unlucky folks they bite are just a food source to them, so they suck them dry and let them die. Ooooohhhh! I made a rhyme!
I am happy you brought up dear Tara. Such a beautiful girl, and a veritable punching bag for weird male partners! Poor girl. I wish she’d come see me for some much needed counseling, and perhaps a little of my Kung Fu training as well. Tara dear, if you’re reading this, call me.
Oh, and no, a bride is not the same as a child- unless she is a child bride- and that cracks open doors I have no intention of going through…

Hey Dr. L,

Okay so seeing Tommy changing into a dog for dog fighting, although awful, really got me thinking:  What other types of things do shifters do to be profitable?  Like is everything we see at a zoo a shift?  Do shifters run Sea World and are the dolphins really shifters and that’s why they can do all those cool tricks?  The circus lions?  Shifters too?  I mean if not, you and I should cash in on this and work with all the shifters in the land.  Can you imagine the success?

-Seeing Dollar Signs

Dear Dollar Sign,

I wonder just what you smoked or ingested before you asked me a question such as this. Did you get your hands on some illegal “V“? First of all, there isn’t a snowball’s chance in Tahiti that “you and I” will ever cash in on anything together.
As for real animals vs shifters, the less you and the rest of humanity know, the better. I fear these creatures are exploited enough, without the likes of Seeing Dollar Signs getting involved. The nerve!!  Get a job- I hear McD’s is hiring…

Dr. Ludwig,

Do you know whether or not the military accepts supernaturals into their ranks? I know that the supernaturals have skills and abilities that I’m sure can make the military an effective fighting force. But, I also know that some of the supernaturals can be rather unstable. Do you know the official stance?
Thank you ma’am,

Recruit Valesquez

Hello, young Recruit,

This is quite an interesting query. As you may know, I am involved in many highly sensitive government projects, including the military. So I am not at liberty to fully answer your question. But I will say this much, our military deserves our respect, our support, our highest regard, and super top quality rations, such as Kibbles N Bits and raw meat…

Whas’up D to the R to the L,

So my question goes a little something like this: What do the vampers do for Halloween? Like to me, it would seem like a little cliché for them to be outs and abouts. They are like Halloween all year round, wouldn’t it be a bit much for them to be all like Gothic on the one day a year its social acceptable and all that jazz? It’d be like putting chocolate syrup on a chocolate ice cream. Too much of a good thing yo. Maybe vampers dress up like normal humans? That would High-Lair-E-Us.

-Steve

Steve,

I’d like to offer you a courtesy consult with me to do a CAT scan to determine whether you actually have two brain cells to rub together. Trust me when I tell you, this is an offer not to be declined, as it would cost thousands of dollars. The trade off would be that I have total use of the results to use in my teaching, as proof that humans CAN live without a brain…
As for vampires and Halloween, that is pretty much any and every day for them, what with the blood running out of their eyes, no breath, no heartbeat, ice cold skin, and so on. So yes, their trying to pass themselves off as “normal” humans would be a real scream.
But what is wrong with chocolate syrup on chocolate ice cream?

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

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Ask Dr. L – Fangtastic Fun!

July 28, 2010

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

July 28th, 2010

Hi Dr. L,
So now that True Blood is featuring werewolves…can you give us some basic werewolf info?  Are they immortal too?  Do they have any weaknesses?  Is it an inherited thing like the shifters?  Its just that I’ve had my eye on a vampire for a while, but werewolves…kinda…got me all excited.
Supe Lover Sasha
Dear Sasha,
I have to say, I like your change of taste. I am very good friends with Alcide and his family and pack, and I happen to think Big A is HOT! Of course, as his doctor of record, I cannot do anything about that…sigh…
As to your question, yes, the werewolf anomaly is inherent. It can- and  does- vary within families. I have heard some pretty funny stories about young weres taking their younger siblings trick or treating on a full moon, and having some bully try to take the younger kids candy, and the were coming out and scaring the bejesus out of the bully! That really cracks me up!
As for their being immortal, I don’t think there is a scientific way to tell if that’s true or not, as they usually tend to let their werewolfishness come out at the wrong time at one time or another, and they get themselves offed. But they do seem they hold up pretty well, till they get popped.
Here’s to the weres!

Hello Dr. L,
I know all of the reasons why humans shouldn’t be involved romantically with vampires.  But despite all my stern warnings, my daughter just can’t help but be infatuated with them.  It’s not even a specific vampire, it’s just vampires in general, even though she does think that one of them stands out amongst the rest.  Anyway, do you have any resources that I can use to sway her?  You know in Drivers Ed classes, they show pictures of auto accidents and the physical injury done to victims of drunk driving to help “shock” them?  Do you have anything like that, except for vampires?
Mrs. Avery (Madison’s Mother)
Dear Mother,
I take it Madison is your only, or at least your first child. The reason I reach such a conclusion is that if you had older children, you’d already know the only sure fire way to get an offspring not to do something, is to make them think you want them to do it. If they think that you think it is positive, even “cool”, they will do the exact opposite.

.

So here’s what I suggest: Start dressing and acting slutty, like all those fangbangers seem to prefer. Stay up all night, and sleep all day. It would be fabulous if you could get your husband to dress up like one of those vile creatures, fangs and all, and to smear some fake blood on your neck and various places. Put up posters of Eric, Bill, etc on your bedroom wall, and if Madison walks in, look at them raptly, and make little moaning noises.
You get the drift.
Let me know how this goes. I’ll bet Madison drops the whole vampire love idea and goes back to Sunday School.<br>
Good Luck!

Good evening Dr. L,
I am a recently made vampire and all I’ve been hearing is that I should “hate werewolves.”  It probably is something akin to how race relations were earlier in America’s history.  Anyway, other than the whole “we don’t want those dirty animals amongst us”  pride thing….is there a reason why we just don’t turn them?  Can they even be turned?
Gothic Geraldine
Dear G. G.,
I first must address your statement about America’s earlier history having prejudiced race relations. When did that change, and where was I?
But, to the best of my knowledge, vampires cannot turn werewolves. There is something in the werewolf DNA that prevents this, and you are a stupid, blood sucking fiend, and would never understand the explanation if I deigned to take the time to give such an explanation, which I will not.
So, put your fangs back in, sister. I know many of those were males are hot, but they won’t do you any good.


Yo Dr. L,
So I’m confused….There are vampire kings and vampire queens who seem to have the power.  But there there is this Magister fellow, who seems to scare the heck out of the vampires, or at the very least has power over them.  We’ve met two monarchs (Sophie Ann and Russell Edgington) but only one Magister.  Where in the vampire chain o’ command does the Magister fit?  Is he like the vampire Judicious Branch or something?
Scotty
Well, beam me up, Scotty! (sorry, I couldn’t resist!),
As you should know, I do try to stay far, far away from the doings of the vampire world. I only tolerate them to have access to their blood, which is one of the most powerful healing agents on Earth. If it were not for that, I would be delighted to see each and every one of these creatures of the night rounded up and taken to a hot, light, bright tropical island where they’d meet the sun. Wow, what a bonfire that would make!


But, I do believe there is only one Magister. He is one powerful fiend, and is likely the vampire Judicial Branch (don’t they send people to school anymore???). He scares me. And if you know your True Blood history, you know I am not scared of even the big, bad sheriff vampire of my district, so this is really saying something.
Be afraid- be very afraid…


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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

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