Tag Archives: Fangtasy Medical Advice

Dr. L, Fangtasy

Ask Dr. L — Healthy Addiction?

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For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

February 22, 2011

Dear Dr. L,
With the flu season hitting the humans hard, most of the humans I have been dining with have had the flu vaccine in them. This has given their blood and very unique and wonderful flavor. I fear I may be getting addicted to the new flavor and have very little hope of going back to the regular flavor. I was wondering if you might know where I can get some flu vaccine to use or how I might wean myself off this new flavor?

Regards,

In Perfect Health

Dear Healthy Friend,
You know, of course, that I wouldn’t care if the whole lot of you took a sunbathing vacation and obliterated yourselves, except that I need your blood for it’s healing properties. Otherwise, I would try to add some garlic juice to some flu vac and give it to you. Drat! What’s a doctor to do?
So, call me and set up an appointment. We’ll trade- your blood for a supply of flu vaccine, sans garlic. It won’t be an even trade, mind you- I have staff to pay and all. But it will be as fair as I can be with low lifeless scum.

Hi Dr. L,
Just got a quick question for ya.
Will a vampire’s fangs grow back if they are pulled out?

A Little Curious

Dear LC,
Just a quick question for you- do you actually HAVE a life? And if so, how on earth do you find the time to come up with such ridiculous questions? Jeeze Louise, give me a break!
But tell you what, you get close enough to a vamp to pull out the fangs, and then let me know. I’ll be sure to monitor the situation and get back to you.

Dear Dr. L,
My no good, lying, cheating ex-husband left me. Now, ordinarily I’d be happy. But he also left me with his seven year old son from his first marriage and who I believe might be a shape shifter. He growls in his sleep and sometimes I catch him sleepwalking and “marking his territory” inside and outside of the house in the middle of the night. What can I do for the little fellow besides putting him to bed in a big kennel every night?

Sincerely,

The Step Mom

Dear Step,
Bravo for you getting rid of your ex. I’ve been with my share of those kinds myself, and a few of them actually survived. But I digress…
Your little gift he left behind does sound like a bit of a problem. All of the behaviors you mention are earmarks of shifters. Personally, I think the crate idea is a good one, but I am not sure the powers that be would go along with that.
Why not set up an appointment with my office and bring the little tiger in? I take cash, check and most major credit cards, and I will do the best I can to house train him for you. Oh, and would you like him to learn any cute little tricks while we are at it?

Hey Dr. L,
Something happened to my cows. I was out in the field the other day and noticed four large marks in the field, bigger than my tractor, it looked like the earth was scorched. Two days later, I discovered nearly all my cows were pregnant. Dr. L, since we inseminate our cows, there’s just no way that they could all be pregnant. Do I take a chance that the cows are carrying some sort of mutant calfs or just ship the lot of them off to the meat packing plant?

Thanks Cher,

LaRoy Thibodeaux

Dear LaRoy,
Oh come on, whre’s your sense of adventure, of joi de vivre? (that’s real French, you know). What an opportunity for scientific advancement! I personally would love to see what your cows produce, and I know many others in the medical and scientific comunity would, as well.
So please, keep me posted. And then, if they start dropping two headed creatures with big, buggy eyes, I say EVERYONE OFF TO THE MEAT PACKING PLANT. PRONTO!

Dr. L,
I just turned 13 and had the best birthday party ever. The problem was right after I blew out my birthday candles I started seeing things. At first, I thought someone spiked the punch, but nobody else seemed bothered by it. I want to tell my parents but I’m afraid they’ll send me away like they did my Granny when she said she could see other people between the lines. I didn’t know what she meant, but that’s just exactly like what I see. People between the lines, in between the colors. Does this make sense? Should I tell my parents that I see them or is there a way I can make them disappear?

Hope you can help,

Britney (that’s not my real name though okay)

Dear Britney (or not Britney- that is the question…oh, I LOVE Shakespeare!),
First of all, congratulations for living long enough to reach the age of impossibility, of angst, of self hatred and hatred of others. It’s a real milestone.
Now, as for your problem, it is not really a problem at all. I have known people like your granny (in fact, I think I knew your granny…). Maybe in less enlightened times, the rank and file felt these people were crazy. But now, everything goes. You ever watch TV and see these folks talking to dead people? They make a bundle, and have a long waiting list of people wanting to pay to see them. So I say use it, make people pay you to tell them what you are seeing. Then, when you make enough money, you can make an appointment with me, andI have an elixir to cure what ails you.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Dr. L, Fangtasy

Ask Dr. L — Tis the Season

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For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

December 20, 2010

Dear Dr. L,
My dear husband and I are normal, elderly folks. We don’t smoke, drink (well … maybe a little now and then) or smoke wackyweed. We are law abiding, upstanding citizens.
Unfortunately, about 3 years ago we happened to have HBO and saw a show on a Sunday night that we thought we might like. As a matter of fact, we REALLY like the show. I mean, We REALLY really like the show!
The show is named True Blood. Have you ever heard of it? It has a pretty little telepath, a couple or 3 knockout vampires, some hot werewolves and awesome shapeshifters.
Now our problem is this. The show only lasts about 4 months at the time. And … we have become … adicted. Adicted to the show and the cast and the writers and the crew and the websites and the – well you get the picture.
PLEASE! Dr. L. Can you help us?
Yours truly,
Grannie for 7

Dear G7,
(sounds rather like a disease…or one of those useless political summits),
I lead a very full, busy life, and have very little time for frivolous things like TV shows- and little patience for those who become addicted to them. BUT, in this case, you may not realize that our little town, Bon Temps, is not just a work of fiction. Having treated Miss Sookie Stackhouse myself, I can tell you she is very real, as is her vampire boyfriend and that awful sheriff vampire, Eric. (One of these days, he and I will have a showdown…).
Anyhow, I hear often that people are in despair that the show revolving around our town is only on four months. Please, think of those of us being followed by those TV people, cameras, etc. We need a break, my friend!
As for your addiction, I do treat people in my office who are addicted to those slimy vampires. So please, call my office and set up an appointment. I take cash, check and most major credit cards. I’ll have you and Gramps vampire free in, oh about 15 or 20 visits. (ka ching…)

Hi Dr. L,
I’m currently dating a vampire, who has promised me he would stick “true” to only drinking “True Blood.” He knows that I’m very finicky when it comes to my own blood and he has pledged to never drink my blood without my permission. I also am a very pure girl who wants to wait until the perfect moment before…giving…myself to him. Therefore, ruling those two things out, and given the time of year….do you have any thoughts on what I can get my vampire-beaux for Christmas? I don’t really know what else they need or want…

-Secret Santa

Dear Secret,
Reading your letter makes me realize people must really fall off of turnip trucks. Either that, or there is an outbreak of stupid going around. Methinks it might be the latter…
First of all, who believes any promises from lying vampires? To believe he will stick to True Blood, well, that’s like asking pigs to stay out of mud. Ain’t gonna happen. Not to ruin your fantasy, or anything,Pollyanna, but there are plenty of Fangbangers out there ready and willing to stick their necks out (among other things) to quench your vampire boy’s lust.
So, my True advice for you is, give him a nice silver neck chain for Christmas…

Greetings Dr. L,
I’m a HR rep for my corporation. One of our crews has a night shift, and since we are an Equal Opportunity Employer, we hired a vampire who seems more than qualified to complete the job set required of him. However, he has recently inquired about health benefits and I was unsure of how to respond, considering that they are technically dead. I was wondering if perhaps you knew of any other organizations that have run into this problem and if there is any sort of literature on the subject.
Thank you!

HR Holly

Dear HRH,
This is an excellent question, and I am glad you brought it to me. Though it does seem highly unlikely a dead creature would need any medical attention, they actually DO now and then. This also applies to the shifters, weres, faeries, and otherworldly beings.
The most important question you need to ask is, WHO will treat these beings in their times of need? Again, I am glad you asked. Well, OK, so I asked, but nevertheless…let me reassure you that I, Dr. Ludwig, am the gold standard in treating any and all of the above mentioned folks, so I would be delighted to be contracted to your company as their healthcare provider. My fees may be just a teeny, tiny bit higher…OK, so they are a LOT higher, but who else is going to risk treating something that could wipe them out with one bite? But I am not afraid of any vampire- or other creature of the night- or day. Call me.

Dr. L — I need your help! I’m a teenager and well…I recently turned into a cat. I mean,obviously I’m back as a human, but I’m really hoping that the explanation was that I’m a shifter. My parents never mentioned anything…so I don’t know. But that’s not the point. I told my boyfriend and he was a little freaked out, but he told me that despite this new development he never wants me to “change.” Well I can’t help but change…it’s what I do!!! Is there anyway I can save my love life?

-Sadface Shifter

Dear Miss Kitty,
First off, I think your boyfriend is lacking in imagination. I know I have dressed up as a cat in my little love play scenarios, and it has been wildly popular. But we won’t go there…
There are some rather intricate, involved treatments one can undergo- at my clinic of course (I take cash, check and major credit cards) to stop or at least lessen the frequency of shifting events. If you are interested, give my office a call.
But personally, I would just go with it. Cats see more action than most humans (well, excluding moi, of course..). Where do you think the term “catting around” came from? And you can easily climb trees, feel the wind in your whiskers as you run free, eat all the sushi you want- I say, have kitty litter will travel!

Hey,
I’m a Werewolf and for obvious reasons I live out in the country to try to stay away from people in case I can’t control my changing. There are a couple of farms out there. There are also some REAL wolves that are attacking live stock and I swear I have nothing to do with it. But the local farmers are ready to beat down my door like I’m Frankenstein’s monster. Any ideas on how I can clear my name?

Weary Were

Dear Weary Were,
I have heard this same story many times. Of course, the wild wolves are only trying to survive. Yet, those farmers, usually rednecks, are ready to shoot the ass off of a poor wolf for trying to feed her family (yes, it is usually the female who does the hunting and feeding- lazy males!). Personally, I wouldn’t mind seeing some of these trigger happy farmers put out into the wild to fend for themselves, naked, no food or water, no guns (except if I had to see them naked, I’d probably wish I’d put Drano in my eyes instead) and let the wolves chase them around for a few days.
But none of this answers your query. I suggest you move on over to my area- like near Bon Temps. The area is thick with your kind- you’ll fit right in.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Dr. L, Fangtasy

Ask Dr. L — Up in Smoke

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November 19, 2010

Dear Dr. L,

I am the mother of a beautiful, 11-year old daughter who is quite intelligent. She has always been quite interested in current events and loves to watch the news on TV. She likes Matt Lauer in the morning, Diane Sawyer at dinnertime, but she is CRAZY for Anderson Cooper of CNN’s AC360 when she goes to bed. And that is the problem! Ever since that crazy vampire, Russell Edgington ripped the spinal column out of the anchor during that infamous newscast she has had a recurring nightmare. And, there’s the problem because sometimes her dreams come true. It’s like she has a special power. And I’m wondering if you can tell me how I can help her. In her nightmare, a vampire is trying to rip poor Anderson Cooper to shreds while he is standing on a beach in a hurricane during an earthquake while miners are buried deep within the earth and are being attacked by werewolves. By the way, I don’t even think werewolves exist, do you? What do you make of her dream? Do you think she is losing her mind? Should we warn Anderson?

Sincerely,

Mother of a Newsie

Dear Mother,

I can understand your concern. Having a child who is addicted to the news must be a terrible burden to bear. I can’t even turn the crazy stuff on without getting sick to my stomach. Personally, I find FOX news the most horrific of all. I have nightmares myself, of having to say the words, “President Palin”. But then, that wasn’t really your concern, was it?

If you want to believe there are no werewolves and vampires, please go indulge yourself. I won’t try to stop you. Russell Edgington was not real, and he did not do what your daughter thinks she saw (wink, wink). And even if he were real, Anderson Cooper might be a target for him, but not as someone to rip a spinal column out of…do you get my drift, here, Mumsie?

Hope this helps. If not, you may make an appointment and bring your “prophetic” daughter to see me.

Dear Dr. L,

I come from a military family. Generations of my family on both sides have served in the military. My parents have decorated their home in red, white and blue and camouflage. My mother is crazy about all things patriotic. My one and only brother served in the Gulf War and came home suffering from PTSD really bad. For a long time he really didn’t have any good relationships, but in the last few months he met and moved in with a really nice waitress from the bar where he’s a cook. She has a few kids that he’s crazy about, and they’re expecting a baby. My mom wants to give them a shower with a “military” theme. She’d like everyone to bring the baby military type toys (guns, tanks, camo outfits, etc.). She thinks it will be cute and will encourage the baby to follow the in the “family business.” I’ve told her that given my brother’s experience in the war, this is a bad idea but she won’t listen. What can I do?

Sincerely,

Army Brat

Dear Brat,

Let me ask you something- have you ever thought of running away from your crazy mother and family? This sound like a trip. Bringing guns and ammo to a baby shower- unreal.

I do treat people with PTSD. A few of them make it. So if you want to bring your brother in, I take cash, check and major credit cards. I can pretty much assure your nusto mother that a baby shower theme like she is planning may send the SWAT team to the house…

But hey, it sounds like a kick in the pants. If you do it, please invite me!

Dear Dr. L,

I am really in love with my new vampire boyfriend. I mean REALLY in love. How badly will it hurt him if I tie him up with silver chains? I don’t want to lose him.

Sincerely,

The Old Ball and Chain

Dear OBC,

You are new to my column, aren’t you? Otherwise, you would know I don’t give a rat’s patoot how much this might hurt your boyfriend! But hey, if you don’t want to lose him, why not give it a try? I’ll make a free house call- really!-I’ll even bring the popcorn!

Dear Dr. L

I am a new vampire and so is my girlfriend. We have kind of gotten into some rough sex practices. Nothing too serious, and of course, we heal right away. But we were wondering, can we bite each other? We don’t dare ask our makers?

Sincerely,

Vamp on Vamp

Dear Vamps,

As if you and your kind did not already disgust me enough to make me puke, now you ask me about your kinky sex practices! Sheesh!

Go ahead- bite each other. If it causes a problem, call me. I only charge vampires triple my usual fee.

Komon ou ye, Dr. L?

I lives jest outside o’ Bon Temps in a little place I laik to call my gator motel. It ain’t pretty but the roof doan leak.. much! LOL Now heah las’ week I was cleanin out the crawdad trap when dis heah cat da size of a pony comes runnin’ up. I thought I was a seein’ stuff like before when I was in da war back in da sixties. I swear I ain’t teched none o dat whacky tabacki in 40 years, and I haint touched the V since them folks over at Hot Shot been actin out all da times. I knows swamp gaz can sometimes do funny stuff ta ya. It ain’t that I nevah seen a panther down heah. But I nevah seen one dat stopped ta check out ma catch. Dat cat stuck it’s claw down in da bucket I had them ‘dads in and let one grab her claw and then flipped it in the air and et it down whole. I swear, she winked at me then runs off. I knows yer normally doan handle us jes plain vanilla folk but does ya think I be couyon?

Gaitor

What’s up, G?
(I always wanted to say that!)

Well, your query is the most interesting in this batch. First of all, to refer to yourself as “plain vanilla folk” made me roll on the floor and laugh my a$# off! You have not seen this side of normal in many a moon, if ever, my friend!

As for your cat the size of a pony who grabbed your ‘dad and et it down whole- get used to it. Living around Hot Shot you are likely to see almost anything. There are lots of rumors of odd creatures down there that even I haven’t seen. Plus I heard they had a big bust up that way not long ago and burned some serious crops harvests, if you get my drift. And even if you don’t get my drift my guess is you could have gotten the drift from the ‘barn burning’ that went on. Either that cat was real, super real you might say, and you really saw her, or there was a little extra in that swamp gas this week. I have no help for whichever one is true.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Dr. L

Ask Dr. L: Vampires and Sex

13 Comments

dr-l-column6-300x168

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

September 1, 2009:

Dear Dr. L:
Your knowledge of vampires and other supernatural beings is so well known that I was hoping that you can answer a question for me.  I know that some supernatural beings have been able to impregnate female humans and I was wondering if, under a certain specific set of circumstances, vampires can procreate with humans as well? I appreciate your time and your expert opinion.
T B Fan

Dear TB fan,

First let me address your name, how, and why, does one become a fan of Tuberculosis? I am sure you know that pulmonary tuberculosis, or TB, is a contagious bacterial infection primarily involving the lungs that is spread through by breathing in moist droplets put into the air by an infected person coughing or sneezing (the medical term for that is: GHAK!)..  Nearly 1 in 10 thousand people in the US has TB at any time.

Humans are interesting creatures and though fandom may take many forms – yours is a first and it’s possible you’re sick in more ways than one.

As for your question of certain specific circumstances surrounding Vampire impregnation, honey – think of it this way. If your man has been shooting blanks for one hundred plus years, what makes you think that any form of medical circumstance could reverse this condition?

Vampires cry blood, not tears – think about that for a minute. There has been some interesting cloning research done recently with bats; interesting in that Chinese sense of the word. Vampires unique metabolism seems very well suited to reproducing themselves through cloning but so far as soon as the cloned vampire bat reaches a certain size it becomes obsessed with destroying the sourced original.   And there is another study utilizing vampirized rats that’s yielding some interesting results implicating the potential for artificially hybridizing the two species but so far the results have not been worth stopping the presses over. Not unlike the recent debacle trying to hybridize potatoes and tomatoes that ended up with a plant with poisonous roots and fruits, so far the mother has been vampirized by the fetuses stopping their advancement at the equivalent of the 3rd trimester.  Mercifully, the whole experiment has ‘met the sun’ as I can’t imagine a much worse situation than to be either an eternal fetus nor suffering an eternal pregnancy. If you still believe that you could get pregnant by a vampire, get your head out of the Twilight saga, focus on the real world and buy some condoms.

I’ve taken the liberty to book you for a complete TB screening and psychology exam stat.

cooltext431905243

Doctor L.

Hi Dr.Ludwig, As a single woman, i was always curious what it would be like to be a vampire, and always also wanted to know who supplies their blood to your cause? Eric Northman must’ve paid you in his blood or another vampire’s blood for your payment for Sookie Stackhouse’s recent treatment for her clawed and poisoned system. Also how long have you been a doctor of the supernatural world?

Christine

Dear Creeper Christine,

Although your questions are masked as medical enquiries I can see through that façade of yours. A single woman, interested in how to get her mitts on a few vials of V, always wondering what it would be like to be a Vampire. Honey I ain’t no psychologist but your introduction reads like the profile of an undercover Vampire. How long have I worked as a doctor in the supernatural world? I may be old sweetie but I am not stupid. I understand you are trying to get information out of me about Eric Northman, but I wish to know who’s district you work for. Contact me directly, and stop hiding behind this act.

cooltext431905243

Dr. L,

My friend, much to my dismay, is a dyed-in-the-wool ‘Fangbanger’. She’s been trying to set me up with a vampire and I’ve continued to tell her that I’m not interested. I’ve got nothing against the undead but I’m a traditional girl and my main interests are surfers, sun bathing, gardening and beach volleyball although lately I find myself oddly attracted to the stage… Anyway, I was at Merlotte’s the other night, and there he was! This guy is so hot just the sight of him made my toes curl! I tried to ignore him and managed to convince my girlfriend not to call him over by ordering the garlic toast, but it was if I’d been ‘mesmerized’ as David Letterman would say. If I decide to take the plunge, do I need to use any sort of protection? Can they spread disease? Should I continue to try to resist? What’s a girl to do?

Rebecca

Sunnybrook, LA

Rebecca,

If your intentions are pure then I would suggest following your heart. It is full of blood and that is one thing that vampires honestly do love. This is not a dating advice line, this is for serious medical advice only, so I shall get down to business.

As vampiric blood has the ability to cure disease and heal wounds, there would be no disease that you could contract from a vampire other than the affliction of vampirism itself and Hepatitis D which is asymptomatic in humans. The process of changing humans into vampires is not completely understood at this time but during the transformation all human infections are destroyed. Blood is the vehicle of infection but the changes go clear to the bone as well as passing the blood brain barrier causing psychological changes including the desire to feed on humans and oddly, inflating the ego.

Vampire sex is therefore oddly fairly safe unless you consider the possibilities or death.. or undeath.

If you want to stay safe I’d recommend buying a farm and staying far away from Bon Temps and  stay off the stage!  I have a friend named Em who’s got a farm up in Kansas for sale although there are occasional problems with tornadoes and some problem with a calculating scarecrow… Let me know if you’re interested I get a 2% finders fee.

Dr. L

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

To view past Q & A check the Dr. L archives!

Dr. L

Ask Dr. L — Dietary Advice for Vampires and Others

6 Comments

dr-l-column6-300x168

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

August 24, 2009:

Dear Dr. L

My Husband and I suggested having our neighbors over for dinner, but as they are slightly obese we were wondering if there would be any issues with trans fats in the blood? We are trying to get in shape as we are planning a trip to Hawaii and want to look our best when moon bathing.

Cal Orey

Dear Mrs Orey,

First let me ask you a few questions (and as you are unable to respond let me also answer them for you).

Sometimes years of wisdom doesn’t really amount to much in the Vampire world. Why are you going to Hawaii? Maybe it is because you are not that bright. Did you ever consider the amount of Volcanic activity happening on the islands? Fire and Vampires just don’t mix.

Secondly, have you forgotten the fact that you are immortally embodied in the form at which you were turned? Calories and trans fats do not factor into your diet (unless they are the legendary ‘Transylvanian fats’ but that’s a whole other story!), this is something that should only concern what the youth today call “Fang Bangers”. If you are a “Fang Banger” i cannot offer you my respect but I can offer you the following dietary advice.

The total estimated caloric content of 500 ml of blood is 280 (from Red Blood Cells) + 61.4 (from plasma) for a total of 341.4 kcal. Vampire blood contains three times the normal caloric content due to concentration.  However, if you were to consume 500 ml of vampire blood you’d have bigger problems than weight gain because you’d be out of your freakin’ mind!  If your neighbors are just out of shape humans and if you were also consuming other foods during the day I would consider forgoing half a normal meal as humans need to consume less calories than they burn in order to lose weight.  Being a Fang Banger requires walking a thin line because while you want to look good and keep in shape in case your Fangtasy Lover decides to turn you, you also can’t afford to become too thin or it would be too easy for your long-in-the-tooth friend to accidentally drain you or find that you leave them ‘wanting more’ and decide to go shopping at some other blood bags throat!

Now go to Hawaii and stop wasting my time.

cooltext431905243

Dear Dr. L

I have started a relationship with a vampire and wondered why, when I drink their blood, I don’t get the same effect I did when I took V. I mean I have no hallucinations, no distorted reality, in fact I do nothing except feel great, like healthy great and my hair is shiny. Is there any reason I can’t “get high”?

V Junque

Miss Junque

First of all, people like you make me sick. V should only be used medicinally and under a doctors care!

Blood when taken from a vampire is still active, it’s an undead product. Leave it to sit for a while and the majority of the water component and any volatile acids and sulfides evaporate leaving a more concentrated blood product. The side effects of hallucination one gets when ingesting V occurs due to the bodies need to re-hydrate the blood and integrate the blood product into the system. Any live (or infected) cells left in this dehydrated blood rush fast around the system in an attempt to absorb as much water as possible. This produces an effect similar to an extreme caffeine buzz. Hallucinations take place when the cells rush to the brain causing the dysfunction of the neurotransmitters, glutamate and dopamine, due to integration into the human system.

Did you think by dating a vampire you would have your own V on tap? For your sake, I hope he never finds out, leave vampires alone and go get your yum-yums elsewhere you Junkie.

Disdainfully yours,
Dr. L

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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