What’s Cookin’ – Merlotte’s Red Beans and Rice

October 18, 2009 by  


Lafayette comin’ atcha here. Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur!  I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle.  Then at nights I cook at Merlotte‘s bar where all the local necks hang out.  So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man.  I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me!  And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan‘s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

Merlotte’s Red Beans and Rice

Now I don’t know what all youse know ‘bout Louisiana, but you gots to know that down here, we make the spiciest dishes and I ain’t talking ‘bout myself.  I’m talking ‘bout da food we eat down here.  It’s the best you gonna find anywhere.  One dish that’s a favorite at Merlotte’s is Red Beans & Rice.

Now, youse can get some of dat smoked sausage from any of the shops in Bon Temps or you can make it yourself, but the sausage and ham hocks is the key to da flava in da dish.  It don’t matter where ya get the ham hock, long as I don’t come from that pig Andy was chasin’ all over Bon Temps.  The weather’s ‘bout to finally cool off, so go head and make a pot red beans and enjoy!


1 bag of red beans (dry)

2 pounds of smoked sausage (cut up, try ta do this neater than that Maryann done!)

Ham hocks

1 yellow onion (chopped)

1 bell pepper (chopped)

1 stalk of celery (minced)

Creole seasoning

1 bay leaf


Soak beans for several hours.  If ya got other stuff to do, go head and take care of that.  I always put a little jingle in my pocket while my beans is soaking.  I put dat video camera on and child, I goes to town wid it.  Dis is traditionally eaten on Mondays. See, folks here done their washin’ up on Mondays after a Sunday full of prayin’ and cookin’ somethin’ ta keep the meat on yer bones like a nice ham hock.  Then on Mondays they’d all be busy wit ‘Wash Day’ so’s they needed sometin’ dat din need much attention.  If yer needs ta do something likes goin’ inta town, why yer kin put them beans ta soak the night before!

After ya done soak the beans for a couple hours, go ahead and throw everything in da pot. Yer needs ta add some spice me up at dis point.  Everybody down here has der favorites and some even makes der own!  But fer Merlotte’s we use either that Crystal or Lousiana Hot sauce! Both will put the Bon Chicka Wow Wow in yer dish!  Careful yer don’t adds too much now. Cover wit water, bring to a boil and reduce heat.  Cook on low for several hours and let the dish simmer – cook til da beans are tender and yer laundry’s clean.  Serve over rice (y’all do know hows ta make rice ya?  Fer white rice yer puts 2 cups of water fer every cup of rice, bring to a boil then cover and simmer fer 20 minutes or so, don’t be peakin!)


(Photo credit: healthytastycheap.wordpress.com)

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

To read more yummy Lafayette approved recipes go to the “What’s Cookin‘” archives!

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.